Madge stepped up to the microphone and pulled a card and her reading glasses from her purse. Even with the glasses, she squinted as she struggled to read her own hastily scribbled notes.
“Do we have a party here from the Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne?” Madge said. She butchered the pronunciation, but nobody except the Zansellquasure Flamarions noticed.
“And a party of Young Conservatives from Sirius B, are they here?”
A party of smartly dressed young dogs stopped throwing rolls at each other and started throwing rolls at the stage. They yapped and barked unintelligibly.
This is a travesty, thought the Lumpy Space Princess.
“Finally,” Madge said, “Er, finally I believe we have with us here tonight, a party of believers, very devout believers, from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon. A big hand please for the Great Prophet Zarquon…”
But nobody responded. That’s it, the Princess thought. I’m supposed to be on vacation, but I know in my lumps that the audience cannot be subjected to any more of this.
The Princess walked up to the stage and took the microphone from the human woman. Madge was so stunned, she quietly backed away into the shadows.
As the spotlight shifted onto the Princess, her appearance changed.
“It’s marvelous, just marvelous, to see so many of you here tonight. Isn’t it though? Yes, absolutely marvelous. Because I know that so many of you come here time and time again, which I think is really wonderful, to come and watch this final end of everything, and then return home to your own eras… and raise families, strive for new and better societies, fight terrible wars for what you know to be right… it really gives one hope for the future of all lifekind. Except of course,” waving at the blitzing turmoil above and around them, “that we know it hasn’t got one.
“An interesting effect to watch for is in the upper left-hand quadrant of the sky, where if you look very carefully you can see the star system Hastromil boiling away into the ultra–violet. Anyone here from Hastromil?”
There were one or two slightly hesitant cheers from somewhere at the back.
“Well, it’s too late to worry about whether you left the gas on now.”
From somewhere in the audience, a voice shouted out, intended only for the Princess. She tried to shield her eyes to see who was speaking, but she was blinded by the intensity of the spotlight.
“Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles,
Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts,
And living glupules frart and stipulate,
Like jowling meated liverslime...”
In her final moment she thought, This universe ends for me, but there will be other universes, other endings, more than there are stars in the galaxy.
GRUMPRORO has died. She was Max Quordlepleen.
Jud Crandall watched the princess collapse on stage. Several medical robots swarmed her still form, but the poetry was so swift and lethal, their scanners could not detect any vital signs.
“Ayup,” Jud said from his rocking chair near the window. He sipped at his PBR.
“Life and death, time and space,” he mused, “the universe, all that. Ah reckon not a whole lot of it makes a lick o’ sense.
“It’s probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls.
“As little as one may like to admit it, human experience tends, in a good many ways, to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything.
And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity.”
A horror that no mind, human or not, could ever comprehend growled behind Jud. He heard the beast’s drool drip to the floor. He did not turn around.
“Sometimes,” Jud said, “dead is better.”
HOHOPOSSUM has died. He was Blagulon Kappan (Investigator/Diner).
13 Diners (Town)
Diners win the game when all Vogons and Independent roles are dead before the Universe ends.
12 Vanilla Diners have no night actions.
Several players have secret passive powers, though they are still considered Vanilla Diners:
- Boghog: The meat of a Boghog is completely inedible, so they cannot be eaten by the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. (The Boghog can die from any other means, such as day-kill or Vogon kill.)
Perfectly Normal Beast: The meat of a Perfectly Normal Beast is extra delicious. If this player is eaten by the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, it counts as two kills towards the Beast’s total needed to win the game.
- Agrajag: Has an optional one-shot kill that is only activated when Agrajag dies.
- Garkbit: Each day, Garkbit (the Head Waiter at Milliways) chooses a special rule from a menu. This rule is revealed to all players at some point during the day, and only applies to that day. Since this is a day action, Garkbit’s power cannot be blocked or detected by Zaphod Beeblebrox. If killed, another Diner will be randomly selected as the new Garkbit.
Blagulon Kappan (Investigator): A methane-breathing life form that can investigate the alignment of one player per night. Possible results are “Diner” or “Vogon”.
Colin (Jailer): A small, round, melon-sized, flying security robot that can put a target player in jail for the night, protecting and blocking them. Cannot choose the same player two nights in a row and cannot choose themselves.
Benjy Mouse: As a night action, may send a message to another player. Twice during the game, Benjy can choose to squeeze the recipient’s brain to make the message lethal.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: One player who is now considered a Vanilla Diner.
Two players that share a private QT. Each night, Zaphod chooses a player to watch and see if they perform a night action (but not what the night action does). A jailed or blocked player does not detect as having a night action. If one Zaphod player dies, the other survives, but they lose this power and the dead Zaphod player has a choice of continuing to chat in their private QT or going to the graveyard.
1 Vogon (Wolves)
Vogons win the game when the number of Vogon players equals the number of Diner players and the Independent roles are dead before the Universe ends.
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz: Performs all Vogon kills through reciting poetry as a night action. If Jeltz is jailed, the Vogon kill is blocked for that night. If Jeltz dies, his night action moves to Vrunt, then Kwaltz, and so on. Vrunt the Naysayer: Vanilla Vogon. Kwaltz: Vogon Investigator. The Vogon Poetry Lover is the only player that will return a positive investigation result.
Zarniwoop: Reads as Diner when investigated. Performs all Vogon kills through reciting poetry as a night action.
Constant Mown: Vogon role-blocker. Vogon Poetry Lover: Recruited Vogon. If this player is targeted by the Vogons to be killed, they survive and are recruited as a Vogon instead.
1 Independent Role
Max Quordlepleen: Max can choose to protect a player from death as a night action. Can protect themselves twice during the game. Cannot choose the same player two nights in a row. Max wins the game alone if he is still alive when the Universe ends.
Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal: Serial killer. Wins the game once they eat 6 players.
No quoting or screencapping from QTs. Do not ask other players about their QTs in an attempt to figure out what role they have.
You cannot edit any of your posts. The mod will know!
Participation: You must make a minimum of three posts per day to avoid being mod-killed or replaced.
Tiebreaker: If a day ends in a tie vote, no player dies.
AnnaNomally // Lemony Snicket
Captain Oblivious // Zapp Brannigan
DW // Weed Ranger
El Marinero // Dish of the Day
Hayes Code // Lintilla, a Daring Space Archaeologist
Jake // Prince Herbert
Landstander // Vrickle Bork
Mr.ImMyOwnGrandpa // Morbo
MSD // Frog
Nuka-Fanta // Unnamed Goose
Owen // Bowl of Petunias
Ralph // Bobby Bottleservice
Sagittariuskim // Abigail Fitzwilliam Darcy Featherbottom
Sic Humor // Vinsmoke Sanji
Spooky // Infocom Text Adventure (Standard Difficulty)
April // Mr. Tyzik (Benjy Mouse – DINER)
Buttersnap // PowerPoint (Kwaltz – VOGON)
Flubba // Eddie the Computer (Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz – VOGON)
Grumproro // Lumpy Space Princess (Max Quordlepleen)
Hohopossum // Jud Crandall, ayup (Blagulon Kappan – DINER)
InDEEED // Not Sam Rockwell (Vanilla DINER)
Josephus Brown // Thor (Vrunt the Naysayer – VOGON)
Lindsay // Ruby (Vogon Poetry Lover – VOGON)
Mayelbridwen // Telephone Sanitizer (Zaphod Beeblebrox – DINER)
Side Character // One-One (Perfectly Normal Beast – DINER)
Wasp // Doctor Who (Constant Mown – VOGON)
Cop on the Edge-ish
Welcome to Milliways! Your table is almost ready.
You are a DINER (Vanilla Town). Please, take a seat and enjoy your sumptuous meal while watching the whole of creation explode around you.
Day Three ends on Tuesday, October 1 at 5:00pm PST (8:00pm EST), or if a majority vote is reached first.
(Apologies to Adams and King for the shameless plagiarism in this write-up.)