Welcome to part two of my descent into madness aka Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas! They say that the sequel is always better. The writers have taken the beloved bits from the first installment to create excellent cinema. Aliens threw in even more aliens and Home Alone 2 put Kevin alone New York to meet a disgraced businessman. Unfortunately, Hallmark’s formula is just letting the same thing play out over and over again, so I’m living my own unfunny version of Groundhog Day.

CHRISTMAS ISLAND

Fun fact: there’s a famous Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean and guess where the movie sent the leads to? A small town located in Nova Scotia! Hallmark Heroine is a FEMALE pilot. But that’s not interesting anymore in 2023. Maybe in 2009 Hallmark where a woman couldn’t get hired to run a hat company, but today we have female seal inspectors. Kate is single and ambitious, and we can’t have that. She’s been commissioned to fly a mind bogglingly wealthy family from LA to Switzerland. Everyone involved with this plane is so rude that God sends a storm to strike the aircraft down. The plane has to make an unscheduled landing and the rich family is forced to spend Christmas in their own personal hell: Canada.

Who cares though because we have two hotties that need to hook up before the Lobster Trap Tree Memorial Lighting ceremony. The rude air traffic controller Oliver and Kate snipe at each until they recognize they are 10s and won’t find anyone else in their league anytime soon. They get handsy pretty fast. They even get mouthy before the film ends.

The family, suffering from Canadian Stockholm Syndrome, becomes nice, offers Kate her dream job, and decides not to go to Switzerland for Christmas. Everyone spends it in the badly named Christmas Island. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• Desperate for the job shuttling a billionaire family through international airspace, Kate basically acts as a nanny to the kids during the film.
• The weather looks great the morning after the storm, so I dunno why they didn’t hit the skies immediately.

Dead family members: 1, Kate’s dad.

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A HEIDLEBERG HOLIDAY

So, the fun thing about this film is that because of some Premier League football, I had to watch most of it on mute. From what I can tell, the Hallmark Heroine HEIDI HEIDLEBERG (!) blows glass which is the coolest job a female protagonist has ever held in a Hallmark. I think her grandma is German and has some sort of good news: Heidi is going to romantic Germany for Christmas!

She arrives in the Fatherland to I think sell her glass baubles (according to the synopsis, anyway) at a famous Christmas market and meets a whimsical German woodworker named Lukas which confirms that this a Hallmark movie. Everyone speaks excellent English in Germany. Because of some international shipping issues, Heidi’s baubles have gone bye bye.

No problem because Heidi uses the time she would be selling her wares at the market to bond with Lukas. Since I’m still on mute, I can only assume that their discussions are very very hot. Heidi’s baubles arrive in jigsaw puzzle format. Lukas tries to fix it by being mildly attractive. When that doesn’t work, Heidi places her destroyed ornaments into Lukas’s intricate woodwork, making them tacky. Everyone at the market has bad taste because Heidi sells them all. Lukas and Heidi kiss. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• Wow finally a not made-up country or Scotland and/or England! We got some Germans speaking German in here!
• There’s a pregnant person in this which is fairly rare in a Hallmark.
• There are subtitles briefly on the screen which is just my luck.

Dead family members: uhh 0?

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NAVIGATING CHRISTMAS

Hallmark Heroine Melanie enters a Christmas party scene, bossing it on the phone. We learn she has a trash ex-husband and single-mothers a moody teenager named Jason. After her ex flakes out on taking their kid on a cool skiing trip, Melanie books a last-minute trip to a decrepit lighthouse where they have to clean every room and transform it into a sparkly Christmas beacon. Basically, modern-day Airbnb.

She meets a beefy dude, and the son meets a hot local girl. The beefy dude owns the lighthouse and since he bamboozled his guests into the situation, he decides to help them decorate through the medium of montage. Not only do all the couples go through bonding scenes, but Beefy Dude makes moves to become Jason’s new dad. Much like Jason, Beefy Dude has dad issues, so this film is just one big daddy fest. Unfortunately, Jason sees his mom kiss Beef and isn’t certain he wants to trade in his broken dad for a new one.

The film chucks every possible obstacle in the last 30 minutes: Beef also forgot to pay for the lighthouse, so some developer is going to change it into a condo; Melanie and Beef get into an argument and Beef spills the beans about Jason’s dad’s new secret baby which Jason overhears; and Jason runs away on a boat.

However, because it’s Christmas, problems aren’t real. The teenage boy ran off to spell “happy holidays” in morse code via a big flashlight to the land dwellers. Melanie tells him that a new baby doesn’t matter. Melanie buys the lighthouse. Beef is so happy that his financial troubles are over, he kisses her. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• I have never seen a somewhat extended bonding sequence between the Hallmark Hunk and the Heroine’s son.
• I don’t care about seeing teenagers fall in like.

Dead family members: 1, Beefy Dude’s dad. Actually 2, Beefy Dude’s mom, but this movie is for the dads.

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A MERRY SCOTTISH CHRISTMAS

Scott Wolf jumps off a plane and immediately complains about bagpipes which rockets him right to the number one spot in my Hall of Hallmark Hunks. Lacey Chabert also lands and has a weird exchange with Scott. Pop culture enthusiasts may recall that Lacey and Scott both starred in the hit Fox drama Party of Five, a show about… five adult orphans? Genuinely don’t know but this must be a fun nod for Party of Five-heads. There’s pre-built chemistry as they play brother and sister again, but this time estranged!

They head into the Highlands and arrive at a castle to meet their non-American mother. Much to the surprise of her children, their ma is a duchess. She ran away from her privileged life in the 1990s to join a FOLK GROUP IN CALIFORNIA! Let’s watch that story instead…

Anyway, every one of their FAMILY MEMBERS is DEAD™, so I guess Scott and Lacey are family orphans. On the bright side, the kids now own a Scottish castle. The downside: it’s in the Highlands and it’s a hassle to get Amazon packages there.

Lacey is wooed by a Scottish handyman and Scott already has a wife. The siblings really like Scotland and can’t put their finger on why. It certainly couldn’t be because they’re technically royalty and can have all their wants catered to. That would be too tawdry. It’s because of Christmas.

The Scots in the area are serious royalists because they are desperate to have Scott and Lacey as their duke and duchess. Scott decides to become a made man and accept dukedom because his tax job sucks ass. Unfortunately, Lacey has patients at her doctor job in California, so she can’t leave them. But – TWIST – she does! Lacey kisses the Scottish guy while a song by Cher plays, Scott likes his wife again, the castle isn’t sold off (that became a problem somehow), and the siblings become un-estranged. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• I can’t stand bagpipes. Haggis is good though, despite what the film implies.
• I know nothing about dukes or duchesses. I only know that sandwiches come from an earl.
• Cher’s getting her bag

Dead family members: 3-4, the whole Scottish clan is dead

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HOLIDAY HOTLINE

The film kicks off with two English chefs claiming to have created Yorkshire puddings??­ The female chef Abby quits when the male chef says she didn’t. We cut to Hallmark Hunk Jack whose identity is “single dad.” Abby moves to America and gets roped into joining the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday hotline, a telephone number for people who are considering flash frying a turkey and need to be talked out of it. Abby ends up on the phone with Jack, and they both pretend to be different people for plot purposes.

We learn that the most difficult part of cooking a turkey is the “emotional part,” not yanking out the giblets. Also, Daisy Brand® cottage cheese is the ONLY cottage cheese for the holidays!

Jack and Abby flirt everyday through the medium of turkey hotline. Meanwhile in real life, Jack and Abby also flirt in real life because Chicago operates like a small town, so naturally, they are next door neighbors.

After a short while, Abby realizes that she’s actually talking to Jack on the holiday hotline and panics. Jack thinks he’s managed to score two women. There’s a bizarre dream sequence where the two dance to an NSYNC Christmas song??

Jack finds out the dream woman on the phone is actually the dream woman next door and throws a fit, almost killing his chances with the wome(a)n. Abby decides to move back to London. However, after being offered a job by her former boyfriend/partner chef, she quickly changes her mind and stays in the US to make Yorkshire pudding. Jack pays Abby for her culinary services through a finale kiss. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• The actress who plays Abby is Canadian. They picked a non-English person because half of the film requires her to use a North American accent. I dunno if it was the right choice.
• A neighbor very casually asks Abby if she has a boyfriend or girlfriend. We’ve progressed so far, Hallmark!
• They do a fun thing where rather than a split screen or quick cuts, they film Abby in her headset in the same room as those she’s talking to.

Dead family members: 1, Jack’s wiiiiiiife

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CATCH ME IF YOU CLAUS

Avery is living in the shadow of her DEAD charismatic news anchor MOTHER™, and she has not lived up to that standard as she is merely a researcher. In her quest to become the best damn news anchor in Dayton, Avery attempts to get onto TV by delivering a loud heartfelt speech during a Christmas party. Since it’s 90% likely that everyone is drunk, the team tells her she can try out the 5am slot. Avery celebrates at home in her researcher’s mansion, but it’s cut short when she discovers a handsome crazy man has broken into her house.

OH MY GOD, HE’S SANTA’S SON. The actor is so happy to not be playing a concussed lumberjack with a heart of gold.

They argue about whether or not he’s a Turkish saint while breaking into her neighbor’s house to deliver a gift. Santa’s Son commits more crimes by stealing a car so that he can bring joy to the world. They end up amongst a theatre troupe who won a bunch of Tonys (pizzas) and due to Santa’s Son’s shenanigans during this scene, Avery ends up believing.

Sadly, because they broke into Avery’s neighbor’s house, the duo is confused for two other thieves in Christmas attire and a manhunt is underway for their arrest. The two get mixed up with a criminal organization which involves the mayor and thanks to the magic of Avery’s reporting skills, she blows the story wide open. As a reward, Avery gets to ride on Real Santa’s sleigh and arrives at the studio to do the 5AM news. The next morning, Santa Jr. drops by to take her to breakfast in Bali and give her the gift of his tongue. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• This is grade A trash. Everyone is well and truly hamming it up.
• The lead troupe member shouts, “Someone get this girl a Tony!” after Avery delivers an impressive speech and she’s handed a pizza.
• Being honest, this is a Disney Channel movie. But because it’s amongst a bunch of boring romcoms, it really shines.

Dead family members: 1, Avery’s ma. Not Santa because he’s immortal.

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LETTERS TO SANTA

After a caper film, we move onto one hell of a downer about a separated couple on the verge of divorce. A mall Santa gave their kids a fake magic pen, so to solve the issue of having to shuttle their toys between two houses every weekend, the daughter writes a letter to Father Christmas asking him to give them a puppy. Grandma intercepts the letter and without consulting her son, decides to buy a puppy and dump it alone on the doorstep. The husband Enrique and wife Rebecca argue about the puppy but ultimately decide to keep it. Things seem to get better briefly. The couple laughs and drinks wine from oversized glasses. Because a puppy mill dog was magicked into existence, their son tries his luck and asks for a Playstation. Sucks for him because he gets squat.

So, to boil it all down, Rebecca is mad at Enrique for spending the advance on her children’s book on his mother’s restaurant. Enrique is frustrated that Rebecca doesn’t understand his desire to support his family through buying a small business. He shouts, “It’s not like I cheated on you!” during a therapy session which bodes well for their marriage.

The film throws two hot people into their lives: Enrique gets a Zumba instructor at his restaurant, and Rebecca gets an English guy at her children’s book agency (because remember at Hallmark: English = hotter than the sun). There’s some competitiveness when husband and wife meet their potential rivals. However, they have kids, so nothing happens.

Meanwhile, the son accepts that he will never play Dark Souls in Ultra HD and asks Santa for the simple gift of a happy marriage. Grandma can buy puppies, but she can’t fix the divorce rate in America.

Thankfully, the broken family is mended when Rebecca realizes that Grandma was gonna go bankrupt after her husband DIED and Enrique stopped this from happening. Enrique understands that Rebecca is an only child who doesn’t get the concept of “familia.” Rebecca steals the mall Santa magic pen idea for a kid’s book and earns money but not enough to buy a PS5. Enrique and Rebecca kiss. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• Everyone speaks Spanish in this.
• I dunno if it’s the cinematography or film quality or child acting, but this feels more like a 2009 Hallmark than a 2023 Hallmark.­­

Dead family members: 1, Enrique’s dad

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HOLIDAY ROAD

Thanks to bad weather in the month of December, a group of nine travelers embarks on a road trip to Denver. It’s #vanlife meets ensemble film, baby! Nothing says festive cheer like loading up into an unmarked white van with a group of strangers. And one of them has a bag full of dolla dolla bills.

While driving who knows how many hours, we discover that the Hallmark Hunk is a self-described “data guy” who created a dating app which is enough of a reason to boot him out of a moving car. The strangers engage in some karaoke in the van which results in a rap sequence featuring a Couple from Hong Kong and a woman breaking down in sobs. Every event within this van is livestreamed by the influencer (including a woman’s panic attack).

We’re constantly treated to a feud between the Hallmark Hunk and Hallmark Heroine which is the most boring aspect of the film.

They finally make it to Denver where everyone has their happy ending. The Couple from Hong Kong reunites with their estranged son. The Son in the Mother-Son duo meets his birth mother. While apologizing to his DEAD DAUGHTER’S™ grave, the Gruff Man meets the Single Mother’s daughter and gives them the dolla dolla bills. The Influencer gets uncanceled. The Hallmark Hunk and Heroine kiss on a mountain. The group celebrates Christmas in the Influencer’s giant house. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• The Hallmark Heroine is a bit more rough and tumble which is a nice step change.

Dead family members: 1, Gruff Man’s daughter.

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CHRISTMAS IN NOTTING HILL

Look I have nothing against the English, but I feel like I’m seeing too many English-ish accents in this year’s lineup. The Hallmark Heroine Georgia tells her class of children that she’s going to London for Christmas. A child chimes in to say that Harry Styles lives there. She’s a big Watermelon Sugar fan.

Meanwhile, our Hallmark Hunk Graham is a famous footballer who has just torn his ACL. Somehow, he’s walking very normally after a day, so I think he’s a liar.

Georgia arrives in London to meet her annoying sister who is working in the Museum of Britain, whatever that is. Graham meets with his brother to let him know that he hates fame and wants to meet a girl who likes him for him! Thankfully, Americans hate soccer, so Georgia doesn’t know who Graham is when they have their meet-cute.

We discover that Henry’s brother is dating Georgia’s sister and plans to marry her, so it’s gonna get a little incestuous-ty around here. After going ring shopping with his brother, Graham runs into Georgia again and she finally figures out that he’s as big as Harry Kane. Georgia gets irrationally angry at his celebrity. Although she wants out of this non-relationship, she’s forced into it once the family formally introduces the two.

Later, Graham takes Melanie to see some big advertisements for Umbro and JD Sports at his local football pitch and let the location work its magic. They kiss.

Georgia has a really dumb breakdown saying she can’t be with Graham because she misplaced her grandma’s necklace. That kiss musta really been something because Graham keeps throwing himself at a woman he’s known for five days who is acting extremely erratically. Anyway, Georgia whiplashes back into liking Graham, Georgia’s sister gets engaged, and Graham reunites with his true love of football. He shoulda kissed the football instead. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• This film kicks off with Elton John’s Step into Christmas. The girls do an awful dance to David Archuleta’s version of NSYNC’s Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Hallmark has been doing great on getting legit songs by legit people this year.
• I assume this is a knock-off of Notting Hill, the film with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant? I’ve never seen it.
• The sister’s flat is huge.

Dead family members: 2, Georgia’s mom and Graham’s dad. They probably are hooking up in heaven.

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HAUL OUT THE HOLLY: LIT UP

This is a sequel. I don’t remember the first one so this is gonna be spotty at best! Lacey Chabert is in her home dating the data guy from Holiday Road, Jared. The big news is that the new residents moving into the area are famous Christmas reality stars, the Jolly Johnsons. The neighborhood residents are really militant and fanatical about Christmas, so everyone is losing their shit over this.

Unfortunately, the new family is up their own asses when it comes to festivities. They take over the Christmas tree lighting ceremony, cause discord in the Christmas HOA meeting, make Lacey and Jared feel inadequate during dinner, and blast Christmas music all day. Slowly, the town splits in terms of allegiance. This forces Jared to use his presidential HOA powers and issue the Johnsons a rake of citations. The Johnsons retaliate by withdrawing from the HOA’s Christmas activities and establishing their own rival events.

It’s petty HOA McMansion stuff which is great.

Lacey tries to call a truce. This approach doesn’t go very well as the lady Johnson calls Lacey a grinch. This results in the two women organizing a competition where the winner gets to force the other to celebrate Christmas in the way they deem appropriate.

On the day of the big competition, Lacey yells at the townspeople when she sees them cheering for their preferred winner. She quits. This inspires the Johnsons to be normal.

Jared proposes to Lacey. They kiss. FIN.

MINI THOUGHTS

• I’ve seen most of these actors in other things! The big guns were brought out for this film.
• This is also another Party of Five reunion. One of the Jolly Johnsons was a regular on the show.
• When her child asks why she looks sad after winning a sparsely attended cookie competition, the resident responds, “Cuz victory isn’t the same without seeing the agony of defeat in the eyes of the vanquished.” This film is just a little unhinged at times.
• I did two guffaws: one where a kid totally blanked Lacey and the blonde lady from Reba made a good face.

Dead family members: 0, it’s a Merry Christmas!

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OVERALL THOUGHTS

• I’m shocked. Like 8 out of 10 of these films were non-rom-com-formulaic. A lot of them felt like terrible callbacks to retro OTT Christmas films. Still cheesy as hell but I could actually watch without wanting to end it all.
• Hallmark is starting to reference real things like Ted Lasso, Ice Road Truckers, Chad Kreuger from Nickelback, and Tik Tok. It’s freaking me out. These people are meant to be living in a wholly alternate universe!
• I’ve been Stockholm Syndrome-d, I think.
• I should visit Canada someday.