Christmas Crap: Netflix’s Falling for Christmas Recap/Review

While not a Hallmark, I’ve made an exception for this Christmas film. Hallmark pioneered the throwaway Christmas movie lineup over 20 years ago (yep, the first original Hallmark Christmas movie aired in 2000 and starred Beau Bridges) and now every TV channel or streaming service has their own “two boring people meet and fall in love next to a Christmas ornament” film series. Netflix has seriously gotten into the game by producing its own terrible Yuletide films that feature monarchs who are only marginally better at running a country than Musk is at running a tech company or a woman that is actually royal triplets. Which brings us to Falling for Christmas, a new Christmas romcom featuring none other than Lindsay Lohan.

Synopsis:

After losing her memory in a skiing accident, a spoiled heiress lands in the cozy care of a down-on-his-luck widower and his daughter at Christmas time.

I will be covering more of Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas, but this Netflix feature sounds stupid enough to dedicate some time to.

RECAP

We are introduced to our leading lady Lindsay Lohan who is sleeping in a silk hotel bed with a silk sleeping mask.

This means she is rich. Plebs sleep with a pillow over their faces to block the light.

She is awoken from her slumber by the wake-up call service. The film shows us shots of the Belmont ski resort in which Lindsay is staying. It’s the kind of place that has Lambos and stretch Hummers parked out front and housing prices that prohibit the hotel employees from living in the area.

Lindsay is the heiress to the resort and is complaining to her vapid boyfriend over the phone that she doesn’t want to get into the hotel business despite her father’s wishes. She wants to be known for her accomplishments and not as “Vice President of Atmosphere.” The boyfriend suggests she become an influencer like him and then hangs up when he receives a notification that says, “trending down.”

We cut to two guys skiing real good.

As well as some excellent green screen footage when they cut away from the actual skiers.

After falling gracefully down the side of a mountain, they go to the locker room where the younger of the two, Jake, tries to convince the elder skier, Mr. Belmont, that he should invest in his small ski lodge. Mr. Belmont says no dice but gives him a free coffee. I’d call that a win.

We go back to Lindsay who has a personal wind machine that blows on her when she enters a room.

Lindsay bumps into Jake in the lobby which causes him to spill his free coffee onto her Valenyagi jumpsuit. A loss for everyone. Lindsay’s boyfriend arrives and causes a scene, distressed that the expensive outfit is ruined. He commands that Jake leave immediately. Lindsay and boyfriend head off to meet her father for lunch.

Apparently the dress wasn’t ruined enough that it required her to change out of it.

They proceed to have an awkward meal where Mr. Belmont thinks Lindsay’s boyfriend is stupid. Meanwhile, Jake is sad that he didn’t get the billion-dollar investment he wanted after one discussion. He arrives at his quaint ski lodge that is falling apart. He tells his family he doesn’t know if they’re going to make it after this year.

Look at this disgusting, dilapidated place.

Back at the successful ski resort, Lindsay fails to tell her dad that she doesn’t want to work for him. Instead, they look at a snow globe from her DEAD MOTHERTM. Dad flies off to another location and Lindsay goes with her boyfriend to a photoshoot in the snow. Boyfriend proposes and they get lost.

In real life, the story would end here.

The film then follows Jake’s daughter and mother-in-law as they meander around the Christmas market.

The film keeps cutting to this guy which I suppose is meant to be Santa, but he’s filmed in such an unsettling way that I’m not certain.

Meanwhile, Lindsay and her boyfriend fall off the mountain.

This scene has made watching this all worth it.

Lindsay rams her head into a tree and goes unconscious. Thankfully, Jake finds her and takes her to the hospital. Unfortunately for her, she can’t remember anything. The local cop says he can’t do much to figure out who she is, so they’re just going to have to hope for a Christmas miracle. Something that Lindsay’s boyfriend could also use since he’s lost by himself in the woods.

Jake takes the hospital patient to his lodge, free of charge. He may regret this later seeing as she’s a billionaire. Lindsay’s boyfriend finds a small remote cabin and harangues a poor ice fisherman inside.

Netflix makes a cameo appearance in the film.

Since Lindsay doesn’t have a name, Jake’s daughter decides to name the memory-less woman after one of her stuffed animals. They then discuss the child’s DEAD MOTHERTM. Lindsay heads downstairs and has breakfast with her hosts. She eats bacon, a sign that she is slowly transforming into a filthy commoner.

With no phone or skills of any value, the film makes sure to show us that the dumb boyfriend is having a truly difficult time. He treks the forest with the hermit and hunts for his food.

We get a montage of Lindsay trying regular things, like washing clothes and badly cleaning toilets.

The toilet exacts its revenge.

Thankfully she’s better at doing braids, so she helps Jake’s daughter untangle her hair. While doing so, she remembers her DEAD MOTHERTM. The touching moment is ruined when Jake gets angry at Lindsay for exploding his only washing machine. Soon Lindsay will remember that she’s a spoiled billionaire who could easily make Jake disappear. To calm her nerves, she speaks to Balthazar, a horse.

“Don’t unload your problems on me, lady. I sleep next to my own poo.”

Jake overhears the conversation and feels bad for Lindsay. He apologizes and tells her that someone is definitely looking for her. They head to the Christmas market in an attempt to see if someone recognizes Lindsay Lohan.

Jake’s focus should be elsewhere because creepy Santa keeps eyeballing his kid.

Jake explains to Lindsay that because people like flashy things and not simple stuff like unwashed bed linens, he’ll have to sell the lodge. They use whatever pocket change Jake has left to buy Lindsay a snowglobe.

The town lights up a tree after having lit up 15 others.

We get a montage of Lindsay not burning breakfast or ruining toilets but instead singing carols and making gingerbread houses. She’s also sort of falling in love. Mostly with family life, I think. And because Lindsay is worming her way into Jake’s life, she is rewarded with a story of how his DEAD WIFETM died. They also almost clumsily kiss under the mistletoe but decide not to because it’s not the third act of the film.

However, not all is well in whatevertown these people live in. Lindsay tries to convince Jake to do a fundraiser to save his lodge, but he refuses. He insults his guest for having amnesia. She almost runs off to presumably talk to the horse, but Jake apologizes and decides to do the fundraiser. It’s emotional whiplash for the ill woman.

Back in civilization, Mr. Belmont returns. He realizes his daughter is nowhere to be found and uses all of his resources to recover his child. Someone finally gives a damn about this woman. Mr. Belmont goes to the sheriff’s office to lodge a missing persons request and, through some hastily cobbled together mishap, finds Lindsay’s boyfriend there. They set off to look for her.

The missing Lindsay has a She’s All That moment to remind us we’re watching a romcom.

Jake’s lodge prepares for the fundraising event that they put together last-minute on CHRISTMAS EVE. Jake prepares by dancing with Lindsay in front of the front desk. The moment is interrupted by guests arriving for the party. This town is apparently full of people who didn’t have any plans on Christmas Eve and would prefer to hear Jake make a speech than spend time with their families.

He uses that time to call out this random guy for being a pig who appears to have a history of eating gingerbread decorations.

Things are going well until Mr. Belmont and the boyfriend crash the party. They somehow discovered that Lindsay would be there. She quickly gets over her amnesia and leaves the fundraiser. Excited about having memories again, Lindsay wakes up the next day in her swank hotel and remembers the whole movie via montage. The rich lady’s attendants see that Lindsay has learned how to cook and make the bed and flag to her boyfriend that she’s gone all weird.

At Jake’s house, they watch a press conference featuring Lindsay where she gives a shout out to Jake’s lodge and mentions that she is betrothed. While great for the beleaguered hotel owner, discovering that the girl he likes is engaged is less cool. His daughter reveals that she made a wish that her dad would find love and, unfortunately, it didn’t come true. She blasts her dad for not telling Lindsay that he liked her and forces him onto a sleigh that will take him directly to the Belmont resort. While Jake tries to slide into Lindsay’s heart, the press conference leads to a million bookings for his lodge. People want to stay at the place a wealthy ill woman was trapped in for a week.

At the fancypants hotel, Lindsay tells her dad that she doesn’t want to work for him. He’s fine with it. She also breaks up with her boyfriend who is also sort of fine with it.

Jake almost gets hit by a stretch Hummer when trying to confess his love.

He finds Lindsay wandering the premises and tells her he LIKES likes her. They kiss.

A million angels sing while they smooch. Or the lighting equipment went haywire.

Mr. Belmont, useless Santa, and Jake’s kid see the moment and decide to hop in. FIN.

REVIEW

Eh, this was fine film. Lindsay and Chord (yes, that was Chord Overstreet!) did a serviceable job. It’s got a bit more spark than most Hallmark films and that’s probably due to the terrible boyfriend. Following his journey with the hermit added some much needed…something? It wasn’t particularly funny, but it was a nice respite from watching two people pussyfoot around falling in love. My one large criticism regarding this film is if you’re going to have a magic Santa, make him count. You can’t just show him for three minutes total and expect us to care. This movie is not the only one that’s done something like this. I implore future Christmas films to not do Santa dirty like this!

Rating: 3 out of 5 broken toilets

STRAY THOUGHTS

  • Jake can’t do something with his family, so he asks for a “snow check.”
  • Lindsay briefly sings along to Christmas music. Recall, that she released two albums.
  • Lindsay falls asleep with a sock over her eyes while in Jake’s lodge.
  • The mother-in-law figures that Lindsay is “not from around here” because she initially refused to eat bacon. Apparently, it’s a requirement to eat pig in that town.
  • Jake hasn’t put on the Christmas tree topper since his wife died. However, he finally does for LINDSAY.
  • Every time the film shows shots of the resort pool, it contains people in bikinis with Santa hats. It’s excellent stuff.
  • The film has a blooper reel at the end.