NOTE: The following is an open letter to Christopher Nolan, acclaimed filmmaker and self-proclaimed savior of cinema.

Hey Chris.

First off, congratulations on Oppenheimer. I haven’t watched it yet, but I did love The Dark Knight and Inception. I also saw Interstellar and Dunkirk, and I must say, those were certainly movies. So you could say I am an “expert” on your work, if I might be so bold.

So hear me out when I say…I think your next masterpiece should be shot in Anamorphic Duovison. I know you love shooting in IMAX and then telling everyone they should see your movies on the biggest screens possible, and that you roll your eyes whenever people ask you what exactly “70mm film” is. And I know you only do this because you think you respect cinema more than anyone else on the planet. Which is why I think you’ll love giving Duovision a try.

Now, it’s possible you might be asking “how the fuck did I end up on The Avocado?” or “what is Anamorphic Duovision?” Well Chris, Anamorphic Duovision was the most exciting development in film history. If you think I am exaggerating, that is literally how it was sold. So as a cinephile it shouldn’t shock you that the public just wasn’t ready for it at the time. Silly public. They weren’t ready for Memento when it came out either. Ultimately it was only ever used for one release, 1973’s Wicked Wicked.

(WARNING: TRAILER CONTAINS FLASHING IMAGES)

Funnily enough, this trailer doesn’t explain what “Anamorphic Duovision” was (it also markets Wicked Wicked as “one of the most frightening films ever made” when it was actually quite campy with a dark sense of humor. Again, the public wasn’t ready at the time!). To use phrasing that even non-cinephiles will be able to understand (you know, the kind who enjoy watching Adam Sandler movies, and not the artsy ones like Uncut Gems), it was split-screen. On one side of the screen, the killer would be prowling around. On the other, his victims would be going about their business or singing the movie’s theme song. Not only did the film bomb harder than a bad Oppenheimer joke (again, Chris, the public just wasn’t ready), but in an era without widescreen televisions, this made broadcasting a coherent version of it on TV virtually impossible. So Anamorphic Duovision was done for.

Or was it? Here is where you can come in, Chris. Just imagine all of the endless possibilities you can come up with using Anamorphic Duovision. Think of The Dark Knight Rises and on one side of the screen, you see Bane ruling over Gotham, and on the other side, there’s Batman sad in that weird cave prison with his broken back. Or Interstellar where on one side of the screen, you have that scene of Matthew McConaughey crying that got used in all of those memes, and on the other side, there’s all of the memes of Matthew McConaughey crying. Or Oppenheimer except one side of the screen is told entirely from the perspective of Cillian Murphy’s cigarette. I bet Barbie doesn’t try anything that ambitious in her new movie!

Even better, Anamorphic Duovision does not require the usage of any CGI! Now I know I am speaking your language!

Have a great night!