Pittsburgh is beautiful this time of year. Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with you. You are in a major steel city filled with three-ton automobiles that run on leaded gasoline. The snow is hard-packed gray and everywhere you go there’s a bridge you have to cross to get there.

Still, it’s liberating to be liberated. You consider your options and decide that, rather than do the touristy things, you’ll go visit one of the steel mills, maybe see what steel crime is like. You have to cross five bridges to get to the nearest one. Halfway across bridge #3, someone runs Loftus McSnoozy through with a longsword, then shoves him over the railing into the icy waters of some unpronounceable river. The locals see this but don’t really care. Pittsburgh!

Loftus McSnoozy, Dream Criminal (Narrowstrife) has died. He was the TELECORONER and a PRISONER.

You don’t see it, but he drops a spirit phone as he floats downriver. What’s a spirit phone? Imagine a regular phone except made of panes of prismatic light. It’s very pretty and is soon eaten by a fish.

You arrive at the gates of Jorgensen Iron & Steel, where there’s a security booth manned by a teenage guard, who looks concerned as you roll up in the parking shuttle you stole.

“Welcome, children!” says Queen Lenora as she hops out. “Today we’re going to see how steel is made. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

Nothing happens.

“Great! Let’s meet the people who work here.” She hitches up her dress and walks over to the guard. “This is my friend Cedric. How are you doing today, Cedric? Feeling strong?”

“It’s Lyle, actually,” says the guard. “Wait… are you Queen Lenora from Lenora’s Land?”

“That’s Queen Queen Lenora,” says Queen Lenora.

“I used to watch that all the time when I was a kid!” says Lyle, lighting up. “But I thought you went to prison for-”

“Simply untrue,” says Queen Lenora. “And I’m here today to show the people at home how steel is made. But first” – she pulls a sceptre up out of the front of her dress – “I hereby knight thee Sir Cedric of Lenora’s Land.” She boops him with the sceptre. “Your membership badge will arrive in the mail in six to eight weeks.”

“Hey, that’s great! I live at-”

“I know your address already. Come on kids! Let’s go see how steel is made.” Queen Lenora walks over to a side door and kicks it in. You wave goodbye to Lyle and head inside.

After kicking your way through a few more doors through increasingly hot hallways, you finally boot your way into a furnace. The ceiling is maybe five stories high in here and titanic buckets pour lava into troughs. The air tastes like pennies. A man in a dented metal hard hat comes running over.

“Hey!” he says. “Doug Douglas, foreman. You can’t be in here!”

“Yes we can,” says the Hamburglar “I’m an inspector. This, uh, floor doesn’t look up to code.”

“Aw geeze,” says the man. “Alright, yinz can look around, but don’t touch nothing.”

You climb a series of ladders and find yourself on a catwalk above one of the huge melting pots. It is hot beyond words up here.

“Here we are, kids,” says Queen Lenora, “Time for all the steel you can drink.”

“Is that why we’re here?” asks Dorothy Loudon.

“I don’t know,” says Lenora, “I wanted to visit Fred Rogers and cash in a debt; this was your choice. Kids, this is why monarchy is better than democracy.”

You find a supply closet at the end of the catwalk, dig out a bucket and a length of chain, and lower them into the nearest vat.

“Hey!” yells Doug Douglas from down below. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Tasting the steel, my good laborer,” says Lenora, reeling the bucket back up. It has completely melted and the end of the chain is glowing white-hot. “Do you have any buckets made of, say, tungsten?”

“You ain’t no inspectors!” says Doug Douglas.

“Are too!” yells D. B. Cooper. Pause. “I don’t think he bought it.”

Doug Douglas angrily mounts the ladders, but the Co-Op Bros. meet him halfway down and defeat him with their superior platforming skills.

“The fuck is wrong with you people,” yells Doug, dodging a thrown barrel. “Fuck it, I’m calling the cops.”

Dharma and Greg clap with glee, which is short lived as they are clubbed from behind by a pair of attackers. Their bodies hit the catwalk, unnoticed by most. Dharma drops a wavy bronze dagger. Queen Lenora daintily pushes them off the edge and into the vat, where they immediately burst into flames. Lenora smiles. She likes fire.

Dharma and Greg (Ralph) have died. They were THE HARUSPEX and a PRISONER.

“Hey,” says someone to Queen Lenora. They hand her a leaf. “What does this taste like?”

She shrugs and eats it, then suddenly collapses. The leaf-giver shoves her over the railing as well.

“We should leave,” says Co-Op Bro #1, just as Queen Lenora plunges past, following Dharma and Greg into the vat.

The last you see of her is a thumbs-up as she sinks. There’s a small bang as the Zippo lighter in her pocket explodes.

Queen Lenora (Wasp) has gone back to her magical TV kingdom with, uh, minor burns. She was THE ARSONIST and a PRISONER.

You make it back to the floor of the steel mill, grab some cooling bricks of pig iron, and run out a door labeled LOADING BAY. There’s a truck loaded down with steel in a dozen forms – ingots, billets, drawn bars – and you apologetically jack the truck by threatening to club the driver with the pig iron you stole.

There’s only enough room in the cab for three people and the cat, so the rest of you hop on the back and grab steel rods to use as weapons if you need them. This was a good haul for a completely improvisational heist; you start eagerly talking about fencing the steel and retiring. You have no idea what the going rate is, but you’ve got like five tons of metal here and that’s got to be worth something.

Sitting on the tail of the truck, alone, the annoying kid you all hate removes his rubber mask. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a walkie-talkie and a peanut butter and banana sandwich. He takes a bite and thumbs the talk toggle.

“Yuh, hello there, Control, this is the King” – pause to swallow – “I am in position, repeat in position. Just leaving the steel mill now. Uh huh. Roger that, Control. Thank you, thank you v-”

Elvis never sees the mysterious hooded figure who shoves him off the back of the truck. He’s knocked unconscious by the impact with the highway, which is good, because he’s then hit by two passenger cars and a postal jeep. The last thing the figure sees is an aquarium net and a badge flying out of Elvis’ pockets as a station wagon full of nuns runs him over.

The annoying kid (April LKD) has died. He was the FISHNAPPER and SPECIAL AGENT ELVIS PRESLEY (Narc Roleblocker).

You’d think driving a stolen truck full of steel and iron products would make you easy to pick out from the air, but there are like a dozen of these leaving the city every minute. Judith Stroan angrily circles the city for an hour in the helicopter before landing at a diner to drown her sorrows in kielbasa and pierogi.

Day 3 will end Sunday, January 31 at 6 p.m. EST.