The election is five days away. Tucker Carlson scrambles to find the “damning documents” that prove Hunter Biden’s guilt. Some guy finally copped to being the author of the Anonymous op-ed that claimed to be part of the resistance inside the White House back in 2018 that no one really remembers anyway. Was it Miles Teller? Taylor? Is that what he’s been up to since Whiplash? But wait! What’s that on the horizon! That slim, svelte figure! That curiously ageless, yet also corpselike visage! Why yes! It’s Jared Kushner! BOY ADVENTURER!
In our latest episode, the KUSH has just been revealed to have played a critical role in saving our beautiful nation from the machinations of those foul, corrupt fiends-The MEDICAL DOCTORS! Speaking with ace reporter and Washington DC hobnobber Bobby Woodward back in April, he revealed that Daddy Trump with his characteristic shrewdness outplayed the witless scientists around him and put the kibosh on anymore of these so-called quarantines, mayhaps with the assistance of the Boy Adventurer himself. In his typically uncanny way, Jared also defended not having a federal plan for testing, claiming that the states would have to own coronavirus testing since that’s “not how the Federalist system works”. Right again Kush! 40,000 dead were dead at the time but bah! Bah the Kush says! Daddy Trump was going to open up the country and heal us from the scientists and “health professionals”‘ wicked ways. Wise beyond his years, that likely lad Jared explained to that old hotshot would be a panic phase, a pain phase, and a comeback phase which we were at in April! Oh ho! What a comeback in April, remember how much better things are now than in April?
The Kush has also made clear his ascendancy in Daddy Trump’s eyes. Rightly calling out the meatheads, patsies, and ne’er-do-wells that have since left the Administration as ‘over-confident idiots’, Jared remains one of the President’s closest advisors. Trump would later tell Woodward that the Kush is “one smart cookie.”and a “very capable guy, Jared. You can’t get people like this.”
I couldn’t even make up those last lines. Thanks for indulging me. As we head into, potentially, inshallah, god willing, a post-Trump era I may never get to do a Jared Kushner! Boy Adventure riff again.
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