Hello, everyone! It is I your guide to all things Hallmark and general schmaltz. I’ve been thinking about restarting this series and due to the many changes going on in the world, I’m in a position to do so (read: work is VERY VERY slow).
But what truly brought me back into Hallmark’s loving arms is the title of the film I’m set to watch: You’re Bacon Me Crazy. That NAME. The natural evolution of the phrase “You’re making me crazy” would be “You’re baking me crazy!” but somehow Hallmark jumped two spaces and converted “making” into “bacon.” Hallmark, don’t ever change (please change).
Cleo Morelli, an aspiring Portland chef, tries to win a food truck competition while the competition tries to win her heart.
Is the competition sentient? Let’s find out.
The film begins with Hallmark Heroine/food truck chef Cleo hopping onto her moped and speeding off to a flower shop. She happily greets the florist and explains that spring is great because food trucks can begin to emerge from hibernation and feed on the plentiful salmon that the season brings.
We cut to a manly truck rolling up a driveway while some rock music plays.
The truck driver masculinely jumps out to greet his bro, John-John. Truck driver Gabe is in town for his brother’s 30th birthday which is a big deal. Gabe is a total nomad, drivin’ round the country selling his various meats. Pinning him down to one place is tough.
After the pleasantries, John heads to a farmer’s market.
Gabe spies Cleo and strikes up a conversation. They discuss the merits of fruit.
The two persimmon aficionados part ways and Cleo goes back to her food truck to prepare items.
Cleo’s right-hand chef Andy arrives and grills her about upgrading her food truck into an actual restaurant. She’s hesitant as she prefers to just focus on sandwiches. And as we all know, there’s no such thing as a sandwich restaurant.
While doling out them sammies, Cleo’s niece approaches to announce that THE NORMA DUNCAN is coming to town to host a food truck contest. After some hemming and hawing, Cleo decides to sink her teeth into the competition.
The next day, Gabe barrels his sweet ride into Cleo’s food truck space. He hunted her down to give her a bag of food (?) and ask her for permission to park his truck across from hers. Local government and food permits don’t exist in Portland.
The morning after, Gabe and John-John bro down in John-John’s breakfast nook. John-John tries to convince the itinerant Gabe to settle down in Portland. John-John seems desperate for a family connection. There’s a tinge of some unknown underlying sadness in his pleas.
When lunch time rolls around, Gabe sets up shop across from Cleo and takes her customers. This begins a sandwich war.
After the lame “war,” Gabe and Cleo bond while gardening. They later have dinner at a bunch of other food trucks.
Things are going well between the two people that no one would consider rivals until Gabe finds a social media video of Cleo claiming one of his sandwiches. He texts her to say she stole it from him. Cleo explains that it was a misunderstanding. That rocky bit is done in less than five minutes or your sandwich is free.
The two food truck chefs put down their spatulas to share another romantic moment, this time by a lake. Cleo gets word that she qualified for the competition! …and so has Gabe.
Apparently, his brother secretly entered him into the contest.
Later, Gabe and John-John go for a hunky natural walk where they discuss John-John’s betrayal. Turns out THE NORMA DUNCAN is Gabe’s old cooking partner and he appears to have some issue with her.
Gabe decides to confront Norma.
Norma is actually pretty alright. It is revealed that five years ago, she and Gabe were meant to start a restaurant together, but Gabe straight up RAN AWAY before opening. Because we need to wrap up this film, Norma doesn’t care and they make up.
The two cooks come together to serve a homemade meal at John-John’s boring 30th birthday party. John-John makes one final appeal for Gabe to stay in Portland. It’s a masterclass in stunning desperation.
The dinner convinces each chef to start changing their food truck ways. Cleo decides to open up a restaurant and Gabe looks into settling in Portland.
After learning that Cleo wants to open a restaurant, Gabe tells her he’s dropping out of the contest so she can win the prize money. He’ll be taking his food truck to greener pastures. This display of bacon-y arrogance does not please Cleo, and creates a rift between the two. But it’s another fake out as Gabe later changes his mind and decides to compete.
It’s competition day. THE NORMA DUNCAN inhales a bunch of food truck sandwiches prepared by people that don’t use gloves.
After a long day of eating, Norma takes the stage to announce the winner of the $100,000. It’s Cleo.
But Gabe isn’t left empty handed. He wins the “Audience Favorite” award which comes with $10,000. Norma made up this prize the day before. She has some serious cash to burn.
Cleo offers Gabe the position of partner at her new restaurant…and her heart. They make out.
Six months later, they open an Italian restaurant in Cleo’s grandfather’s old establishment. They kiss in that one, too. FIN.
NO ONE WAS BACON’ED CRAZY IN THIS! The leads were friendly the whole time. If there was a chance for someone to be bacon’ed crazy, the issue was resolved in the next scene.
There was also very little bacon featured in this. Though I suppose pig slaughter would dampen an upbeat romantic film.
Overall, Gabe and Cleo made food truck sandwiches and then fell in love.
RATING: 3 out of 5 food truck permits
- This is based on a book. I’m genuinely delighted that Hallmark didn’t change the name.
- Cleo also doesn’t wear gloves while prepping food.
- I love how excited characters get over fake-famous people in these films.
- To enter the competition, Cleo has to do social media stuff. Obviously.
- Rock music plays every time Gabe’s truck appears. It’s hilariously stupid and the best thing in this film.
- Part of Cleo’s plan to ruin Gabe in the sandwich war is to place a phone order for 15 sandwiches using a fake New York accent. I would say she deserves to lose, but he gives them all to her for free. They BOTH deserve to lose.
- I never heard Gabe’s brother’s real name, so I just called him John-John.
- For once, I want someone to live in a ratty apartment. Cleo lives in a food truck mansion.
Will I do another one? I dunno! Maybe!
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