Welcome to the recap for this week’s Savage Lovecast. This week’s column is here.
Dan starts off his rant by talking about the cases before the Supreme Court today relating to employment discrimination against LGBT+ people. He points out that these cases hinge on the interpretation of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 which says you can’t discriminate “because of… sex”. Since being is gay or trans is about either the sex you like or the sex you are, this should be a slam dunk argument, but Dan isn’t real optimistic about this Supreme Court. Neither am I. He finishes with a reminder that we’re all going to vote for the Democrat in 2020 no matter who it is. Even if it’s Biden.
On to the calls! A 30 year old bi woman wants to know how to talk to her friends about being in an open relationship. She has a few friends who are also in open relationships who get it, but what about the other ones? Dan says save those conversations for your other open friends and/or spend time educating your “normal” friends so you can unpack stuff with them.
A guy had a female friend nine years ago. At first she was very supportive but then she started getting clingy and ignoring boundaries so he stopped having contact with her. She’s married now and has recently started texting him again every few weeks. She kind of seems better but he can see some of the old patterns in her texts. Does he have to give her the benefit of the doubt and/or another shot at friendship? Dan says no. It was a problem before, he hasn’t really missed her the last nine years, just move on. Maybe send her a farewell “Best wishes but I don’t want to be friends” text.
A late 20s woman says her friends are obsessed with fingering their boyfriends’ butts. Should she be doing that? He fingers her butt sometimes. Is he disappointed she’s not fingering his butt? I almost wrote down “Use your words” even before Dan said anything and indeed that was the advice. Some of these are easy.
A straight mid-40s married woman was getting a tattoo and found it to be a very sensual experience. She’s gotten tattoos before but something about what this artist did really worked for her. Is it wrong to go back to this guy for more work knowing it’ll probably turn her on? Would that be considered a nonconsensual sex act? Dan says secret perving is fine as long as the target of your perving really doesn’t know – the old foot fetishist working in a shoe store example.
A 27 year old bi woman met a guy on Bumble. On one of their dates the guy says it would really turn him on to film her giving him a blowjob. She says she doesn’t know if she wants to do that but maybe later when they know each other better. On a later date (or later on the same date – it wasn’t clear) she starts giving him a BJ and he takes out his phone and films it. The caller doesn’t stop or object. After that he ghosts her. The caller knows that she has no way of ever guaranteeing that the video is deleted, but should she at least confront the guy? Dan walks the fine line between trying to understand the guy’s behavior and victim blaming by saying that this guy interpreted the first “maybe later” followed by the lack of objection later as consent. She can call him if she thinks it will make her feel better, and there is some possibility that he is a decent but dumb guy who might understand affirmative consent better if it was explained to him.
A 31 year old woman is upset and stress eating in her car because a guy she thought she had a future with on a first date made a second date and then called to say it wasn’t going to work out. Dan tells her to get a grip. You shouldn’t being seeing futures with people on the first date, and a person who isn’t that into you is doing your a favor by telling you early rather than stringing you along.
A guy in his 40s doesn’t like the apps. He says they are just a numbers game; guys have to cast a wide net to find any women who are interested. Dan says get off the apps and meet women in real life: work, hobbies, volunteering, political campaigns. He’s big on pushing people to volunteer for political campaigns this week.
A 52 year old guy was adopted as a child. As an adult he tried to make contact with his bio parents. Mom seemed nice at first but turned out to be a homophobe. Dad didn’t want to have anything to do with him and recently has died. The caller has several half-siblings through dad and the caller would like to meet them. Is it okay to make contact? Dan says he has a right to want to meet these people and lots of adoptees do end up having good relationships with bio-families but tread lightly here. These people have just lost a father and there may also be a grieving widow. Maybe wait some time to make contact and don’t expect much.
A 31 year old woman is lonely. Her mom just died and she’s estranged from her dad. She doesn’t have any friends. Except she has a boyfriend who’s her best friend. Except she doesn’t really like her boyfriend romantically. Who can she rely on? Dan says rely on yourself and don’t put all of your emotional eggs in one person’s basket. He gave some of the same advice he gave the earlier caller about where and how to meet people.
I want to single out one thing Dan said in this call because it resonated with me, but I’ll save my thoughts for the comments lest they take us off on a big tangent. He told the caller to “find people who have time for you and who like you”. Good advice I think but kind of hard to follow. More comments in the comments.
Elle Chase, author of Curvy Girl Sex, joins Dan to take some calls. A confidently curvy 46 year old woman says her last partner was bad at sex but told her she was bad which has shredded some of her confidence. What can she do to get it back? Elle says read her book. She says if body size is a problem there are lots of ways to modify positions to make them work better, sometimes using pillows and such to prop up body parts as necessary. Dan adds that getting out of bed also might help. Sometimes standing up or leaning on a chair or table is just what the doctor ordered.
A 27 year old queer poly female has just started dating a new secondary. She’s kinky and she keeps a bunch of toys she uses with her primary hung up near her bed. Does she need to warn new visitors to her boudoir about these in advance? Dan and Elle say yes. These people need to know that just because they walk in and see various kink accoutrements that it doesn’t mean the caller expects them to participate in the kink. But maybe some of them will want to.
A 44 year old married female has two breasts of significantly different sizes. She considered surgery when she was younger but chose not to do it because she wanted to retain the ability to breast feed. Now that she has had her kids she is considering it again but the doctor she talked to made it sound like a very long process with a lot of recovery time. On the other hand she still feels pretty self conscious at the gym and out in the world. Dan and Elle say first get a second opinion because they’ve don’t think it sounds right that the surgery needs that much recovery. Elle says body acceptance is a process and the caller needs to figure out what she wants.
A 29 year old woman is married to a 51 year old man. They have a young child that he stays home and takes care of. She’s not as attracted to him any more and wants to open up the relationship. He at first said okay but then freaked after she actually met somebody. She dropped it until he brought it up again. Now that she’s moving forward with the open relationship what should she do to make it work? Dan (solo again) says they are already doing everything right. Backing off when the husband had second thoughts was the right way to establish trust. They need to keep communicating and especially figure out what’s in it for the hubby. Does he get to be open as well? Does the 29 year old come home and plow the renewed sexual energy into him? Stuff like that.
A woman likes oral – receiving more than giving. She won’t give oral on the first date but she will receive it. What’s the STD risk for a woman receiving oral sex from a man? Dan says low but not zero. It’s unclear to me how that the what sex on which date rules relate to the STD risk and Dan doesn’t really get into that.
A 25 year old gay guy had great weed-and-vodka-fueled sex with a somewhat older “thug latino” about a year ago. They seem to be each other’s type and the guy even said “You should be my boyfriend” but they have been going out for a year now and its always just hook ups, never anything like a real date. Dan says based on the caller’s description the guy sounds like he’s wrapped up in a kind of macho identity that doesn’t really square with dating a “chubby bottom boy”. Nonetheless, Dan says that if the caller wants this to be a relationship he needs to insist on it being a relationship with dates and boyfriend stuff, not just sex.
Feedback Tweets: Weed goes well with watching 90 Day Fiancé. The Magnum version of the podcast is great. A teacher played the E. Jean Carroll interview for her high school students.
Feedback Calls: Regarding the woman who’s boyfriend may have had an emotional affair, Dan was wrong. Also, Dan was right. The caller who was contacted on LinkedIn about the financial domination arrangement may have just been getting set up for a scam. Good point, that.
That’s all, folks.