Continuing with my non-Hallmark detour, today’s film was flagged to me by a family member. Amazon sent her a notification that this film was out. She does not watch these sorts of movies, so I don’t know what Amazon was going for. Anyway, let’s get into Santa Girl.

Santa’s daughter gets a chance to attend college for one semester in the ‘real’ world before heading back to the North Pole to fulfill her duties under her father.

I’m certain Hallmark has done a film about Santa’s daughter. Maybe he gets a new one every millennia.

The film begins with a cute elf running some errands, like sliding down slides and receiving some paperwork. She’s on her way to deliver hot cocoa and breakfast to Cassie, our heroine and Santa’s daughter. Cassie appears to be a grump, but I would be too if someone pulled the sheets off me while I was sleeping. The elf goes through the itinerary for the day while Cassie digs into her meal.

Even though it’s summer, Cassie needs to use this time to learn about the family business of breaking into people’s homes.

As Cassie begins her day of meaningless photo-ops with elves, she catches wind of her dad, Santa. He’s the big boss and commands a group of sniveling elves. He’s also Barry Bostwick from Spin City.

In this version of Santa, he’s a capitalist. He’s slashing budgets and giving no overtime to the elves in the video game department (which is sadly reminiscent of the actual video game industry). He also doesn’t remember the names of the various elves in his entourage. He’s potentially worse than the skinny Santa in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Cassie is no better. She whines to her father that she shouldn’t be working and that she should be out meeting new people. Cassie makes a good point that people want a fat dude in a white beard, not some random “Santa Girl.” Dad doesn’t buy it and forces her off to a fancy reception held by their ally, the Tooth Fairy.

Cassie drags her heels when it comes to getting ready, much to the chagrin of that elf who appears to be her slave. Cassie receives a letter and lets loose a blood-curdling scream. She received a letter from Shenandoah University (a school she applied to on the sly) and she’s been accepted!

At the tooth reception, there are a bunch of odd-looking characters mingling. I can understand Cassie’s hesitance in attending.

Larry corners Santa and proposes a merger of the two make-believe kingdoms. The fairies can deliver gifts and Santa can provide the cash. Larry also tells Mr. Claus that the Tooth Fairy matriarch is single and ready to copulate with Santa so that their two houses can be united. It’s like medieval Europe.

Santa replies with,

I’m going to walk away from you now but it’s only because I don’t like you and what you have to say.

The whimsy never ends with this one.

Cassie uses this party as an opportunity to tell her father that she’s going to university. Dad is clearly displeased and kindly informs her that she is to learn the business and marry Jack Frost’s son. Needless to say, the two are not on the same page.

The next morning, Dad does a 180 and lets Cassie go to school. The only caveat is that she must return in time for Christmas and marry Jack Frost, Jr.

Cassie does a clothing montage and practices meeting “college.” Seriously, she keeps addressing college as if it’s a sentient being. I guess the whole “companies are people” thing has crept into the North Pole thanks to Business Santa.

Speaking of Business Santa, he breaks the news that his daughter is off to college to Jack Frost, Sr. Mr. Frost does not take it very well.

To ensure that his daughter stays on the straight and narrow, Santa personally commands Cassie’s elf slave to join the Great College Adventure.

Cassie arrives at school and rooms with her slave. The slave still has her elf ears which shouldn’t attract any attention. They explore the college grounds.

The two girls meet a bland blonde boy.

Cassie ditches her slave to go shopping with the boy, JR. He tells her she’s his first friend at college. I can’t remember college very well, but if someone spoke like that, they’d likely be ostracized. Their love story is interrupted by the meltdown of a student who can’t buy books because his card has been declined. (Now that feels like the real college experience. Cassie saves the day by paying his $500 bill in cash.) She then gets asked out on a date by JR. This is a pretty good first day.

Back at the dorm, the slave shouts at Cassie for leaving her behind. They come to an agreement: the slave will try to act more normally and let Cassie live her life.

The boy who couldn’t pay for books (Sam) spies Cassie who is lounging in the library. He excitedly offers to pay her back. JR appears out of thin air to invite Cassie to a party which scares off Sam. Even though Cassie tells JR that she is taken, he still tries to get with her.

We find out why that is in the next scene.

Little Frost is not happy that Papa has barged into his apartment like this. He informs his father that he’s doing his job of monitoring Cassie’s actions in college. Papa isn’t convinced and throws a picture of Sam at his son. Little Frost reiterates that he has it under control and storms off.

Cassie and JR go to the party where Cassie accidentally spits (yes, spits) her drink on a girl. While sulking outside, she once again meets Sam who just so happens to be walking past the party. They have a flirty conversation. JR arrives and not-so-subtly tells the guy to beat it.

While walking back to his own dorm, Sam is ambushed by Jack Frost, Sr. He’s somehow not suspicious of a literal monster who magically knows everything about his life. Papa Frost makes a deal with Sam: he’ll pay him handsomely (read: $500) if he “keeps an eye” on Cassie. Sam accepts.

Back at the dorms, Cassie almost kisses JR but is cockblocked by the slave.

The next day, Sam pays Cassie back and offers to teach her math. That’s a very smooth way to spend time with her and honor his deal with Winter Satan. They learn about each other. According to Sam, his parents “ditched him”, so he’s a foster child. That is a tragically hilarious way of putting it. God, I can see why Hallmark kills parents instead. Cassie stays enigmatic because she is Santa Claus’s daughter.

We get a montage where Cassie is wooed by her fiancé and the financial aid boy.

Unfortunately for Sam, he starts catching real feelings, a turn of events that Jack Frost, Sr. did not foresee when hiring the boy. After confessing said feelings to Cassie, she admits that she’s in an arranged marriage that precludes a relationship between the two of them from ever happening.

Still in full on confession mode, she also reveals that she’s Santa Claus’s daughter. Sam is infuriated by what he believes is a lie and angrily walks away.

In the library, Sam is greeted by Jack Frost, Sr. Again, Sam is not fazed by the fact that the man magically appeared in a whirlwind of snow. Sam tells Jack everything that Cassie just told him, but states to the blue magic demon standing before him that he doesn’t believe any of it because he’s not six years old. This gives Jack an idea.

Later that day, Cassie’s new friends begin turn on her, calling her a freak. Cassie is unaware of what’s occurring until JR shows her the meme to end all memes.

Sam visits Cassie’s room to tell her that he didn’t make the memes. Cassie doesn’t believe him. After a few days, he catches Cassie by herself and comes clean about his deal with Jack Frost, Sr. Daughter Claus is completely shocked and disgusted that he would spy on her like that. Sam responds to this by asking her out to the Winter Formal. Cassie understandably refuses and decides to go to with JR.

The slave overhears their conversation and rushes after Sam. She tells him that she’s an elf, Jack Frost is real, and he should confess his love to Cassie. He’s done this a million times already, so I’m not sure what this solves.

While JR is winning the wooing contest, Sam literally runs to the dance. JR tells Cassie that he must confess something…he’s Jack Frost, Jr. and he actually likes her for who she is. Cassie is dumbfounded.

Sam arrives in time to get punched in the face by JR. A fight ensues. JR doesn’t use his magic for some reason. Cassie breaks up the scuffle and asks JR if his dad did the memes. JR somewhat confirms that his dad DID do the memes.

Cassie has an awkwardly-timed epiphany that her role in the world is bigger than a college semester. She accepts JR’s marriage proposal. The dance breaks out in applause. Sam walks away, dejected.

We change scenes and see Cassie at the North Pole in a wedding dress. It’s Christmas Eve, so she had to keep her end of the bargain and return home. She cries to her dad about Sam and he secretly decides to take matters into his own hands.

Meanwhile, Cassie is harassed by Jack Frost, Sr. He pushes Cassie to get the ceremony started. The wedding looks really cheap for magical beings and is ordained by a fake Irish-accented elf. Jack Frost, Jr. and Cassie get cold feet. Cassie calls off the wedding. Moments later Santa arrives with Sam. Cassie confesses her love to him as does he.

Understandably, Jack Frost, Sr. is pissed. However, Sam informs the winter hell beast that he broke the contract by spying on Cassie. Santa tells his daughter that he wants her to be happy and lets Sam stay over for Christmas because he’s an orphan.

REVIEW

I felt like I was watching a Disney Channel movie. It was weirdly cheap and averagely acted. I liked (as much as one can) the two male leads. Even though JR wasn’t fleshed out all that much, he seemed to have some motivations and the potential to step out of his father’s shadow. There were some severe daddy issues there. Sam seemed like a nice regular guy and his actions were, for the most part, reasonable.

Cassie’s refusal of JR didn’t really make that much sense as nothing was established that she disliked JR. They showed them bonding over time and even the memes weren’t created by him. He even seemed to like her! He only got cold feet because he was an 18-year-old getting married. Marriage tends to frighten the average person, so it makes sense.

Anyway, it was fine, but not really memorable in any way.

Rating: 3 elf slaves out of 5

STRAY THOUGHTS

• Points go to Cassie for saying the name of the film.
• The special effects are absolutely awful.
• Why do the Frost and Kringle families want to merge? Santa can then control the weather? I suppose that would help with gift delivery.
• When Santa tours the dorms, he terrorizes the students by calling them out by name and saying “naughty.” He even goes so far as to tell a boy that he knows where he lives. He also literally disappears, permanently scarring an innocent bystander.
• JR is ripped and Sam’s hair is awful.
• The Santa meme actually seemed more “saucy” than like a confession.
• Jesus Christ, memes and Santa Claus? What am I watching?!