Elks Lodge #287, Walla Walla, Washington
Saturday, June 3rd, 1978
(The remaining gods and monsters stumble through the astral portal to find themselves back in the Elks Lodge. The sun lights up the windows and it appears to be a gorgeous early summer morning.
The pancake breakfast is well underway. Families gather around the tables stacked with pancakes, waffles, bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs, various fruit, and all the fixins. There is plenty of hot coffee and freshly squeezed juices and it all smells wonderful.)
(Madge walks up to the group. She holds a whisk in one hand, a spatula in the other, and is wearing an apron that reads “BATTER LATE THAN NEVER”. She has a light smear of Bisquisk on her cheek.)
MADGE: You made it! Well I’m just pleased as punch to see all of you! Zaphael and Ralgath are out scouting the multiverse for you. Ralgath feels bad about that business in Limbo, you know astral portals there can be unstable, for sure.
But here you are! Well, some of you, at least. We can talk about that in a minute, you arrived just in time for the pancake breakfast! Well, if this isn’t good timing I don’t know what is!
Go ahead and help yourselves to whatever you want, I bet you folks are in a pancake-hankerin’ mood!
(The gods and monsters, unsteady from their journeys through the Outer Planes, slowly walk over to get on the line for pancakes. A little girl in front of the group beckons her mother to lean down, and you hear her whisper, “Mommy, that possum stinks.”)
GENA CROCODILE: Okay. No more onion. Is time for cookie.
(The crocodile drops his onions to the floor. He quickly transforms into a furry blue monster with googly eyes. He waddles up to Madge and tugs at her apron.)
COOKIE MONSTER: Me give cookies!
MADGE: You did! Well, that was very generous of you. Who did you give cookies to?
COOKIE MONSTER: Me give Jaffa Cake to Omnian missionary priest, but then he die.
MADGE: Aww. That is very sad. Who else?
COOKIE MONSTER: (points at Grayson Wolfsbane): Me give beef-flavored Milk-Bone to her.
MADGE: Well, that’s wonderful! I am sure by now the cookie has weakened her internal organs so that she will be unable to defend herself.
GRAYSON: Errrr … defend what now?
(Madge touches Grayson on the forehead. She briefly transforms into a regal lion, then shrieks in agony before vanishing into cookie-dusted mist.)
LINDSAY has died. Her secret role was ASLAN and her alignment was T.O.W.W.N.
(The families all stop eating. They look around at each other, confused. Did they just see what they thought they saw?)
MADGE: Who next?
COOKIE MONSTER: (points at Old Bones): Me give chocolate macaron, with one “o”, to possum.
OLD BONES: You said you were going to help us!
COOKIE MONSTER: Me lied!
HOHO has died. His secret role was NYARLATHOTEP and his alignment was T.O.W.W.N.
(As the elder god explodes in a shower of cookie crumbs, the Elks Lodge erupts into pandemonium. The humans run screaming for the doors, knocking over tables and sending breakfast food flying. Within moments, the floor of the multi-purpose room is sticky with maple syrup.)
KING RALPH: Noooooo! Not the sausages!
(Ralph tries to run but slips on melted butter and falls on his ass in hilariously comic fashion. What’s less funny, though, is when Madge dissolves him to crumbs.)
RALPH has died. His secret role was ERINYES and his alignment was T.O.W.W.N.
COOKIE MONSTER: Final cookie go to alien.
GREG: I am not an alien!
MADGE: Maybe not. But I am.
(MADGE transforms, becoming a massive, four-legged fiend with a forked tongue and teeth dripping with gore.)
MADGE: Most folks call me Madge, but my real name is Y’madgen’tho The Feaster. I didn’t want humanity eradicated, I need them alive to enslave to my will. So I entrusted my agent Cookie Monster to find and destroy the S.C.U.M. hiding among you while also weakening T.O.W.W.N. With cookies you willingly consumed!
Now none of you can take a stand against me!
GORGEOUS: We will stand against you!
(Gorgeous hunches down and twelve writhing tentacles grow from the bottom half of her body. A belt of dog’s heads surround her waist. The other six Japanese children jump into her, extending their necks and becoming a half-dozen ravenous, snarling heads.)
MARCIE KLEIN: Are you a god?
Y’MADGEN’THO: No. Much worse.
MARCIE KLEIN: Then … die!!
(Marcie transforms into a Gozerian with a harsh 80’s haircut.)
J.K. ROWLING: No, wait. You don’t have to kill me! I’ll write cookie propaganda novels for you. Harry Potter and the Chocolate Hazelnut Pirouettes. It will sell millions! What do you think?
Y’MADGEN’THO: Humanity will be forced to wage war with Y’madgen’tho The Feaster and my battalions of loyal furry monsters! Any humans that manage to survive the onslaught will be enslaved to work the cookie mines for the next million years!
But at least there will be cookies.
(Scylla, Gozer, J.K. Rowling, Greg Not The Alien, and Cookie Monster jump into a scrum, all manner of limbs flying. When the frosted sugar cloud clears, Greg lies dead on the floor for some reason.)
APRIL has died. His secret role was R’HLLOR and he was the final member of the Secret Cabal for Undoing Mortality.
J.K. ROWLING: Wait, what is that?
(The author points at a cookie the floor.)
SCYLLA: The last cookie! Greg died before he was able to eat it! That means … we win?
Y’MADGEN’THO: Noooooooo! All my plans have been foiled for a really stupid reason!
COOKIE MONSTER: Hmmm, does this mean me can have cookie?
GOZER: Eh, sure, knock yourself out.