Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of June 19. No beating around the bush this week.
You can listen to this week’s episode and read this week’s Savage Love column.
Dan’s opening rant this week is about his own time being separated from his child. A train door slammed, leaving DJ inside the train and Dan and Terry outside. Dan freaked out, but concerned New Yorkers leaped into action, prying the doors open until the conductor saw what was going on and made sure DJ could get off the train. The threat of being separated from his child, just for an instant, drove Dan into panic. The memory is so panic-inducing, Dan thinks he was there, even though he wasn’t. This all comes around to the Trump administration’s unspeakably cruel implementation of a policy that separates asylum-seeking adults and their children at the border. Dan points out that many of the same people who oppose marriage equality “for the good of the children” are in favor of this policy. Once again, your vote in November matters. Register, if you haven’t yet, and stay angry.
On to the calls! A woman thinks she was just sexually assaulted. A year ago, a woman invited an Amazon deliverer into her house to have some water and get out of the 100 degree heat. She ended up giving him some basic information and her number. He texted her randomly once, but that was it. Today, she received a slew of explicit texts and dick pics from this guy, who said that he chatted with her husband on Tumblr, and that the husband said she wanted a black dick to come inside her. She responded aggressively, threatening to report him to the cops and Amazon for sexual assault. He apologized, saying he must have gotten incorrect information and pleading with her not to report him. What should she have done? Dan gives some perspective: our caller wasn’t the victim of sexual assault, because there was no physical harm here. (It’s not that simple, but I agree with Dan’s bottom line that this doesn’t rise to the level of sexual assault.) It’s not even sexual harassment, because he stopped when she told him to stop. It’s still unpleasant and enough to make anyone feel unsafe. Block his number and don’t give your number to total strangers. Dan thinks she should report the guy to Amazon, but not to the cops.
A 23-year-old straight woman has been having loud sex, and her roommate is complaining about it, saying it violates her consent. The roommate has also asked our caller to stop walking around the place naked. What says Dan? Dan says the roommate is out of line on the sex part – part of being a roommate is hearing a roommate do stuff, including unpleasant things like go to the bathroom or getting fucked. However, it’s entirely within the roommate’s right to ask our caller not to walk around naked. I agree with Dan’s line-drawing here.
A man has a high libido and his wife has low libido. They have vanilla sex once every two weeks or so, and he makes up for it by masturbating. Every three or four months, for 24 to 48 hours, she gets incredibly horny and into kinkier stuff. Our caller responds to this by coming too quickly or not performing at all. How can our caller handle this feast or famine situation? Dan has to call back. Our caller basically confirms the facts as said and says it’s a stressful time for him because he thinks if he does a really good job when she really wants it, she’ll want it more. Dan says the ticket is for our caller to tell himself, and to believe, that he can whiff one and she will still go into heat again. The key to performance anxiety is to take the pressure off. Use the toys, oral, anything to take the pressure off the cock. Our caller wants to know what to do about the long dry spells. Their schedules don’t exactly mesh, and nonmonogamy doesn’t work for them. Dan says it’s about not letting resentment creep in, and that the wife needs to make some effort to accommodate. Here, as well, shifting the expectations (not every sexy interaction needs to lead to PIV sex) can help our caller get sexytimes more often.
A 30-year-old straight woman has been dating a man for six months. It’s been fun, but she doesn’t see it generating anything more than that. It is the best sex she’s ever had. He’s really into swinging and watching others, and she’s still figuring out where she fits in that lifestyle. He is always on the dating apps, and it bothers her a bit, especially when the app messages turn to text messages and he shows them to her. He says it’s just for entertainment value, but she isn’t comforted by that. He has played with others during the relationship, but she has not. Where does she go from here? Dan says some people are into nonmonogamy in theory, but not in practice. One of the ways it gets screwed up in practice is if the other person is being an asshole, which is the diagnosis Dan gives here. A little consideration by the boyfriend would go a long way here.
A man’s 13-year-old daughter came out to him as homoromantic and asexual. Is it weird that she hasn’t told her conservative Christian mom yet? Should he help her come out to her? And is it too early for the daughter to know if she’s asexual? Dan says to leave mom out of it. And it’s possible she could grow out of asexuality – encourage her to keep listening to herself and be there for her.
A mid-20s woman has ravishment fantasies, which she finds scarce in her preferred feminist porn. Can Dan help? Dan always recommends Violet Blue and Tristan Taormino for your feminist porn needs. He also recommends an article on emandlo.com called “How to Make Your Ravishment Fantasy Come True.”
A 20-year-old trans man is cross-coast dating a trans woman. During the course of the relationship, he has started shouldering all of the emotional weight in the relationship, constantly propping her up without being able to tell her his feelings. Her depression is so bad, she flunked out of school. The only thing that helps her anxiety, besides our caller, is weed, which she can’t afford and isn’t motivated to get a job for. Our caller knows he will have to break up with her eventually – when and how to do it without destroying her? Dan says you can’t be in a relationship where you’re just a caregiver. When you know the relationship needs to end, the right time is as soon as you can (assuming it’s not on Christmas or something). This isn’t a relationship anymore, it’s a hostage situation. It’s going to be painful, and her heart will be broken, but you need to round up the cavalry and get it over with.
A bi woman has been masturbating with her electric toothbrush and, using that, she’s been able to squirt. How does she do this during sex? Hand the electric toothbrush to the person you’re having sex with, duh.
Dan brings on a guest, Sam Hughes, a PhD student in social psychology, to talk about kinks and where they come from. I’m only going to brush over the big points here – if you want the entire interview, go listen to the Magnum version. One theory about where kink comes from is that people sexualize and recreationalize the opposite of what causes them stress. This partly explains the prevalence of ravishment fantasies. Sexual orientation can be multidimensional, including whether we’re attracted to multiple people or single people at once, and whether you’re kinky or not, and that is fairly sustainable over a lifetime. People can get kinkier over time by engaging in the kink scene. There are five phases of kink identity development: early encounters, exploration with self, evaluation, finding others, and actually engaging in kink with others. The bottom line? Kink is very powerful, and it’s part of finding sexual compatibility with others. Only 18% of people identify trauma as the source of their kink.
Back to the calls! A mid-40s guy has a girlfriend whose family doesn’t like him because he went to college and uses big words. What can he do? The guy sounds normal enough, so Dan thinks this is a placeholder for some deeper resentment. Some people you just have to avoid. And sometimes you can wait out the family (it’s how my dad won over my mother’s parents).
A friend of the caller has become a gutterpunk. The people she hangs out with bring bedbugs and lice into her place. The friend wants to visit, and the caller wants to say no because of the bedbug issue, as well as the fact that the friend never wears underwear. How can our caller say no to her friend? Dan says you have to say something, or else you’re going to have to suck it up. Check in on the bedbug situation. And you can say your friend that your house is a panty-wearing house.
A queer cis woman moved to a rural community, which is wonderful, but she can’t find anyone to date. Dan’s advice is to move to a big city. The way for queer folks to be partnered out in the woods is to move to a bigger place, find someone there, then move out with them to the middle of nowhere.
Caller feedback! A former dancer says don’t come out as an exotic dancer to your parents – it’s not a forever job. The mother of a stripper was surprised at first, but came to accept it, and the stripper was able to come out to her father with a letter.
Thanks for reading.