Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of February 20. I hope everyone is taking a page from the courageous teenagers in Parkland to get ready for midterm elections this year, because this is going to be a time where all of us will have to have some backbone. We need to make sure we’re organizing in our communities to get all the turnout and enthusiasm we can in November.
You can listen to this week’s episode here.
Dan’s opening rant, unsurprisingly, is about Parkland. Why might this time be different? Because the victims are fighting back and speaking out. Dan’s idea, which is completely unworkable, is that whenever there’s a mass shooting, which he defines as having four or more victims, all gun sales cease for a month and all gun company stocks stop trading for three months. He notes that he hasn’t consulted a lawyer about this. Yeah, no shit. His idea is that gunmongers should have some skin in the game. The actually constitutional way to do this is something closer to removing the bans on manufacturer liability and gunseller liability for injuries their products cause.
On to the calls! A 31-year-old queer poly cis woman has been married for five years. He’s always wanted kids, and she’s always said maybe down the road. Now she’s realizing that she doesn’t want kids at all, and all the maybes she’s given over the years have been the result of guilt and pressure. How and when does she have this conversation? To make things worse, he has recently gotten angry and closed off whenever she’s tried to address anything of consequence with him. Dan diagnoses the husband as a manipulative, controlling jerk. Either have this conversation with a couples counselor or send it in an email. The time to have this conversation, meanwhile, is now. The poly component gives this couple a few more outs than a monogamous pairing, if the husband can handle it, which Dan doubts he does.
A man has been with his boyfriend for three years. Whenever our caller wants to have sex, especially after a long day of travel or work, his boyfriend insists on showering first. Our caller just wants to smell sweaty balls. Should he talk to his boyfriend about this? Dan uses his experience being around balls to point out that it doesn’t take long for freshly-washed balls to become sweaty and smelly again. Turn the heat up a bit, extend the foreplay, and you’ll be good to go. (He also calls the boyfriend’s behavior “batshittery” and calls cologne “expensively-marketed rat piss”, so there you go.)
A woman found out about a month ago that her boyfriend of five months is into garter belts, apparently on her. She’ll buy one, but she isn’t super excited about wearing this – it’s not her fantasy. What should she do? Dan suggests wearing the garter belt and hose underneath regular clothes doing regular things a time or two before busting it out for the boyfriend. You’ll get used to it pretty quick, Dan says, citing his own drag history. (Ten Savage Points to anyone who remembers Dan’s drag name – he doesn’t mention it on this show.) Then, in the moment that you want to bust it out, have him put them on you. Then you can tap into his excitement and arousal, and that should heighten your excitement too.
A woman’s boyfriend was recently in a snowboarding accident that will keep him housebound for six months. How can they keep the desire and passion alive? Even though you can’t do the things you did before the accident, Dan says, you can talk about the things you did and the things you will do. Masturbate together, use vibrators and toys, and don’t become resentful of the things you can’t do right now.
A woman’s ten-year-old son has a cell phone. She found a search for Pornhub on his phone. How does she address this? Dan points out that there are phones that do not have the internet or cameras, which may be more appropriate for ten-year-olds to use. There are no conversations with kids about porn that will avoid embarrassment, so lean into that. The big problem, as the caller pointed out, is that the son may share this or pictures of himself with other kids and open himself up to a sex offender charge. After taking away the phone, now’s the time for the “porn is not real sex” conversation and the “look out for anger in porn” conversation.
A long-time listener has a quandary with her boyfriend of six months. He’s been eating ass the entire time, and he’s asked her to return the favor. She will not do it – her tombstone will read, she has decide, “She never ate ass.” He listed a few of his exes who had eaten his ass, which briefly made her consider it. But she held her ground, and he recently confessed that it was a lie, that none of his exes ever ate his ass, and he lied to try to get our caller to do so. How big a deal is this? Dan thinks it’s a deal of some sort, which at least merits an apology from him. But he’s more interested in the tombstone idea, which is a fine segment to his first guest.
Caitlin Doughty, the mortician behind the book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and the new book From Here to Eternity, is on with Dan. Doughty doesn’t think “She never ate ass” would be allowed on a tombstone because most cemeteries are privately run. Doughty suggests putting it on your casket or urn instead. Dan laments how boring cemeteries and tombstones are nowadays. Doughty hopes that if there is an afterlife, there’s ass-eating in it.
A caller’s friend’s 16-year-old niece has a crush on a 27-year-old family friend, who is also crushing a bit. The age of consent in their area is 16. The friend is against this because she’s trying to protect her niece. The caller doesn’t really see anything wrong with the situation. What can the caller say to the friend’s niece or to the friend? The caller, Dan notes, is pretty far removed from the situation, so she doesn’t need to do anything. The prudent thing for the caller to do, if she must do something, is convince the family to lean on the 27-year-old and convince him not to touch this girl, or else do it herself.
There’s a second guest today: Roxane Gay, writer, teacher, feminist, and now advice columnist with a new column, Ask Roxane, in the New York Times opinion section. During their introductory chitchat, they come together on the most cohesive theory about one-time cheating that I’ve heard Dan articulate. If you cheat once, and are never going to do it again, and the other spouse will never find out, it is more merciful to keep it to yourself (and also remember to extend the same forgiveness to your partner). However, if the spouse is likely to find out one way or another, it behooves you to get out in front of it to make it less devastating.
Roxane and Dan take some questions together. A 26-year-old woman recently found out her mother has pretty aggressive cancer. Her boyfriend of two years freaked out at this news and left. Our caller is trying to coordinate care for her mother and wants her to live with the caller. How does she deal with her boyfriend? Roxane thinks the boyfriend is an asshole who fell short. It’s over, and it’s time to figure out where to go from here. Dan agrees – you can search for a reason, but the boyfriend has declared this relationship done. Even if the boyfriend does return at some point, she can’t wait around for it.
A 30-something gay man had been dating another 30-something man for 14 months when he was suddenly dumped. There were no warning signs and it seemed like a shock to everyone. The caller and the boyfriend had been talking about buying a house together. The boyfriend admitted that it was an impulsive decision, and now the boyfriend is dating again just two weeks later. What’s wrong with him? There’s no explanation, Dan and Roxane agree. You got dumped, and that’s it. One of the reasons this hurts is that you have to admit that they don’t feel about you the way they used to. Roxane thinks there are better ways to leave than these.
A 26-year-old woman has been seeing a guy for five months. He is close, personally and professionally, with his female boss, and he describes the relationship as a “Liz Lemon-Jack Donaghy” relationship (plus the boss is super rich). The problem is the boss doesn’t like the caller. The boss denigrates the caller to the boyfriend, and the boss says she is jealous whenever her friends start dating new people because they have less time for her. Our caller is afraid of speaking up about this. What can she do? Dan cites polls that claim that 23% of employees report having a “work spouse.” Dan hates the advice he’s about to give, but: Part of the way to mollify the boss is to buddy up to the boss. Plot with the boyfriend to, for the time being, make the boss feel as if she is not losing him. Then polish up the ol’ resume.
A 26-year-old woman has been with her boyfriend for eighteen months and they want to plan their first trip together. They want to go to Pennsylvania by bus, but she would rather take the bus in, then rent a car and get a hotel, while he would rather bus in and walk everywhere and have an adventure. Meanwhile, the caller’s mother, who the caller lives with, says that they shouldn’t take a bus at all because the stations are in terrible neighborhoods. How should our caller plan her trip to be both adventurous and safe? Dan says disregard the parents – our caller has her own reservations. Bring those to the boyfriend and don’t downplay your own concerns.
Caller feedback! If your mom’s boyfriend’s actions are creeping you out, loop her in to the conversation. A grown man dressed up as a doll is not doing a pre-sex thing, he is expressing who he really is. A former crystal meth user says he needed to hear from his friends in order to quit, but he needed to make the final call himself.
Thanks for reading.