Hello, Christmas fans! I hope you are well. I won’t be speaking to you any further because this piece is targeted at Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas fans who I consider to be a separate entity.
Hello, Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas fans! Your favorite Golden Girls rerun channel has released this year’s crop of Christmas slop for you Yuletide piggies. I will once again review the lineup based on the title and promotional photo (and some synopses here and there) because I’ll be on holiday when this starts airing. Let’s goooo.
‘Tis the Season for Setups – 1/5
First out of the gate is ‘Tis the Season for Setups. The name gives me nothing. The cast photo gives me nothing. I read the synopsis and genuinely got confused as to who was what and why. So we’re off to a good start.
Holiday Touchdown: A Bears Love Story – 3/5
This gets an automatic bump for the mascot. I’m not a football person so maybe the Bears are terrible, and no one deserves to find love at one of their games, but I can’t weigh in on that sort of thing. Note that the male lead is really loving this photo. He gets a bear AND a football. Could there be chemistry? Tune into this Christmas romance on…October 17th?! Nah, that drops this down a point.
Mr. & Mrs. Christmas – 2/5
This photo passes the Bechdel Test by Hallmark standards. However, I’m knocking points for the stereotypical curls for the ends of the hair. We need new hairstyles, Hallmark!
Winter Wonderlanes – 3/5
Finally, a bowling-oriented love story. The number of couples I personally know who met in a bowling alley is…zero, but I imagine the location plays a role in many couples’ origin stories. Not much more to say apart from the fact that there are one too many Christmas trees in this photo. The giant nutcracker is appropriately sized.
Forgotten Holiday – 1/5
I’d like to forget seeing this promo photo! I’m glad the couple finally got the giant candle they were after, but I don’t need to know about it.
What If Christmas – 4/5
The story is about a lady who gave up her dreams to help out her husband. But then a magical ornament transports her to a magical world where she is magically lonely because she pursued her dream job. This is Hallmark getting back to basics. High hopes for this one. Also, former fraudster Lori Loughlin is in this.
Who’s Coming for Christmas? – 2/5
Drinking Scotch in the romantic gazebo? Has Hallmark finally grown up? No, because this story is about a woman wishing for people to join her dinner party.
Adopting St. Nick – 3/5
No stills of the actual film, so we’re stuck with headshots which knocks a point off. This appears to be about a woman who “misses having a grandfather in her life”, so she hangs out with a man who looks like Santa. A normal, relatable reaction.
A Danish Christmas – 1/5
This as stale as a two day old Danish.
Mistletoe Murders – 5/5
My Christmas wish has come true! Last year, I wished for a dead body and Hallmark has delivered. I won’t even read the synopsis for fear that it’ll reveal that no one is actually murdered.
Merry Memories – 2/5
It’s the classic story of “a lonely man and a spinster woman exist on Christmas and it’s up to one boy to bring these two thirsty people together”. Tale as old as time. At least the picture is cute.
Holiday Unplugged – 3/5
I only gave this a 3 out of 5 because I watched the terrible Fuller House show on Netflix, and Juan Pablo made me chuckle a few times. Fun fact: he was the guy in the questionable 00s dance classic Call on Me. DO NOT WATCH AT WORK!
A Season of Promises – 1/5
While you may think this one also passes the Bechdel Test, it does not. Those are the faces of women looking at a man. I’ve seen enough Hallmarks to know.
My Christmas Cowboy – 4/5
These two look like they’re having rootin’ tootin’ good time. I wonder how many cowboy hats this film will feature. 10? 70? Kudos to Hallmark for showing some restraint and only having a demure cowboy fringe and one bolo tie present in the promo photo.
The Nights Before Christmas – 4/5
Initially, I wasn’t into this one. However, once I found it was just Christmas Groundhog Day, I was all in. Hallmark even got their resident cranky hunk to play knockoff Bill Murray.
Mistletoe and Mimosas – 2/5
More drinking with Hallmark? Hallmark! Take me out to dinner first. This is about a woman who inherits a heavily indebted Christmas-themed New York bar. A lot of things to unpack there.
Our Holiday Playbook – 1/5
Ugh, one of the traditional “family competition” Hallmarks. I loathe this almost as much as the “guy who turns out to be a prince” tripe*.
*Typo. It stays.
Christmas in Blue Dog Valley – 3/5
A big shot Hollywood vet buys a down-home country vet office. This has a 3 because there’s supposedly a “mysterious” canine in the film. He could Airbud this and become the head of the vet clinic. There are no rules that say a dog can’t run a medical office!
Double Booked for the Holidays – 2/5
This one is about a nerd who likes bookstores but twist! There’s two nerds and they’re twins!
Christmas Delivered – 2/5
This features an app called TreeBen which was created by a man named Ben. 2 points for creativity.
The Christmas Eve Fest – 2/5
Nonna gets hurt and can’t cook the Christmas pasta, so it’s up to her big city granddaughter to get everything ready while finding a man in the process. Will he fill her cannoli in time for the big Christmas Eve dinner?
Return to Santa – 3/5
Santa (not pictured) feels bad for losing a kid’s Christmas letter and decides to deliver all the young boy’s wishes thirty years later. Is one of the wishes a sexy lady? Can Santa do that? The implications are disturbing, if so.
The Most Wonderful Secret – 1/5
If the secret is about Santa engaging in human trafficking, I don’t want to know.
Holiday Ever After: A Disney World Wish Come True – 5/5
This is a soulless collab reminiscent of every show in the ‘90s TGIF line up having an obligatory Disney World episode. But RICHARD KIND! Automatic 5/5 for me. Here’s an extremely appropriate scene featuring him from Documentary Now’s Co-op.
Eight Nights for Love – 1/5
When exactly did Hallmark start its Hannukah series? I am not of the faith, so I can’t accurately assess these. Instead, I’ll point out the big EAT tchotchke in the background. They shoulda called this EAT Nights for Love.
Miles to Christmas – 1/5
Knockoff Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Next!
The Snowflake Effect – 3/5
Evan gets severe headaches that cause him to suffer black outs. While unconscious, he is able to travel back in time and alter the past, but this causes drastic changes in his present life…on Christmas! Starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.
A Grand Biltmore Christmas – 3/5
Ohhhh shit it’s a time travel movie! [Siri, play DJ horn] That man has iPhone face which I think is actually relevant to the plot and not just a lazy styling situation.
The Hallmark Christmas Experience: A Hometown Holiday – 0/5
This isn’t a movie. It’s a promo for Hallmark 2027, so it gets no rating. I kinda get why they want to do this, but this is basically a version of the “clip show episode” from back in the day.
An Angel in My Stocking – 3/5
The title sounds kind of racy. Was this film based on one of those horny romance books which was then purchased by Hallmark and de-sexed for TV? The synopsis notes that the couple “got married after knowing each other for three months”. So yeah, this definitely was one of those books.
Christmas in Canterbury – 1/5
See first impressions here.
Snow Globe Town – 3/5
This film is inspired by a song by Brad Paisley which is news to me. If this town doesn’t have a zoo, I’m afraid that the male lead may not be interested.
Noelle Nomads – 2/5
Female free spirit meets male uptight physician and shows him how to “embrace the freedom of camp life”. Is this about living in a van? I hope the film details how to sexily dump your mini septic tank.
Hearts All Aglow – 1/5
I’m losing energy here, so I’m gonna say this one is about electric cars.
Barking All the Way – 4/5
Ok, I’ve woken up again. There’s a “matchmaking dog” named Yappy in this. Yappy thinks a workaholic should hook up with her surly ex-boyfriend because Yappy loves toxic relationships.
Save the Date for Christmas – 2/5
Do people not have Christmas already marked on their calendars? Do we need to remind people to save the date? Anyway, two long-term single best friends try to find single hot men in their area. Click now.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Of these, I would watch any of the magic ones where a woman discovers the nuclear family is the actual key to happiness or Groundhog Day: This time it’s Christmas.
Happy early Christmas Countdown!
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