You are now entering Ad Space, a realm of commercials, brought before us so we might examine how they work, and discuss why we both love and hate them so. So it is written …

WARNING!

WARNING!

DANGER!

DANGER!

The following commercials have been tested and found to be infected with “ear worms”: music that, while not good in any conventional sense, is prone to remaining at the forefront of one’s memory, surfacing into your conscious thoughts unbidden at the most inopportune moments. These ditties may prove hazardous to your stress levels, ability to concentrate, and overall mental health.

Viewer discretion is advised.

You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

All semi-hyperbolic warnings aside, I do think these ear wormy songs were the right way to go with these ads, because once you get past the jingles and the elaborate visuals accompanying them, there’s really nothing of substance on offer here.

Our singers act like court musicians composing ballads in honor of the kings of old, but all they have to praise here are the most minor of accomplishments (or “accomplishments” in the case of Bruce the Streaming King). And even to the extent these deeds are praiseworthy … what really was Quantum Fiber’s role in making ’em happen?

Yeah, Quantum Fiber provided them Internet access, but there’s no indication they provided better Internet access than the competition … or that particularly good Internet access was even necessary for these deeds of renown. All we get is that they’re providing a basic service that these people make use of – you might as well have a utility company boasting about providing the electricity that made all this possible, or the Zinc industry explaining how, without Zinc, none of their computers would function.

The only real selling point here for Quantum Fiber Internet is that it’s an Internet company that exists. Given that, it’s probably best they went all-in on the flashy presentation like they did here … ’cause they’ve got nothing else going for them.