TW. I’ve tried to put in a read more here but it and spoiler tags are iffy in main posts, so proceed with caution.

So last week I wrote about scaring myself by ordering groceries. This past weekend I scared myself in another way.

For the first time in probably a year I started thinking about wanting to die. I didn’t make plans, I didn’t do anything to harm myself, I just felt like it would be less exhausting to be around anymore. (This used to be far more frequent, but it still sucks when it hits.)

And, recognizing that I didn’t want to feel this way, I used the 988 crisis hotline.

To be clear, they aren’t a substance abuse resource. But whoever was on the other end took my drunkenness in stride; they weren’t judgmental and nor did they step out of their lane.

I used the text version, which obviated the necessity of actually talking on the phone and I think helped calm me down because of the extra brain function needed to type and spell and craft coherent sentences. Anyway, after about 15-20 minutes I felt better. Not “good” – but calm enough to go to bed.

Since then I’ve contacted a treatment centre and a sobriety group, started reading a book I’m skeptical of (so far) and agreed to see my therapist more often.

All of this could come crashing down in 24 hours, of course, because the addicted brain is an asshole. But if nothing else I’m glad I texted that hotline.

How is everyone else doing?