NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY SPECIAL GUEST COLUMNIST, SATAN

What the heaven just happened?

The First Omen, Disney’s first release of 2024 (no, really), fell harder than I did when I was exiled to the underworld, earning just $8 million. That is far below where expectations had it, and your guess is as good as mine as to why this bombed. After all, who wouldn’t want to see a feel-good movie about the birth of my baby boy, little Damian? I don’t understand you mortals sometimes.

Now, before we begin the finger-pointing at Immaculate for having the exact same plot a few weeks ago, I should note that the real reason The First Omen is in financial trouble is its budget. Omen is reported to have cost $30 million to make, which is a lot for a horror film, and that’s before any marketing is taken into account. To play own my advocate for a bit, however, this was a film that got very good reviews from critics, so it sounds like it was money well-spent. Granted, it’s money I’ll never see a dime of, since Satan has terrible attorneys, and people can use his likeness without him ever getting any royalties. This is why Hell has a special place for lawyers, by the way (but not for the reasons you might think; unfortunately, it’s the opposite, since those guys are able to afford the suites here).

Our other major new release this week is Monkey Man, which opened above The First Omen with a take of $10 million. That’s not much either, but it’s all Universal paid to acquire this film which was originally bound for Netflix, so this is a win for them. I’m gonna level with you guys: when I first heard the title, I thought this was a comedy about Tim Allen turning into a monkey or something, but instead it’s about some guy in a monkey mask who goes around killing criminals, which honestly sounds just as silly to me.

Finally, something called Someone Like You came out as a Fathom Events release. Satan has never heard of this movie before, but it’s apparently another of those God movies. Yuck! I hate those! This one opened to $3 million, which is great for a release like this, so ugh.

None of the newcomers came anywhere close to beating last week’s champion, Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire (which I actually saw, by myself since I couldn’t get a date, and I can’t tell you what the fuck “The New Empire” is referring to), as I guess you guys like your giant apes, and giants lizards, and other creatures that God didn’t create. Kong saw a 60% drop for a weekend take of $31 million, bringing its total to $135 million. For those of you who like math, it’s already surpassed the domestic grosses of Godzilla Vs. Kong and Godzilla: King of the Monsters.

Anyway, the top ten, via The Numbers