FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE…

Dear, Subway Overlords

On the 27th of November, I made an Open Thread which contained several references to your fine establishment. These references, when taken out of context, may have been viewed as criticisms against you. However, I am here to assure you that I had no such intention. I love Subway. In fact, I had actually had lunch there on the same day I wrote that header. No, really. Don’t look at me that way. I am not the sort of person who lies. Not about important matters like eating fresh.

Now, I know you might have taken some issue with my implication that your Frozen promotion was underwhelming compared to what McDonald’s would have done with it, as they probably would have given out, you know, toys. However, it is possible that McDonald’s would have given out something even more boring than bags. Ever get a book in your Happy Meal? I have, and it should be considered a crime. What I’m trying to say is that your Frozen bags were fine, even if the cardboard freebie inside of the one I got (yes, it was made of cardboard, and no, I am not saying this to make you sound cheap. I’m just saying it was made out of, well, cardboard) fell out and became lost immediately. But that’s fine. Really. I like losing things.

I also wish to humbly address the “shots” I took at the way your restaurants smelled. This was not meant in a disrespectful manner. You will note I never once said “they smell bad” or “they smell like bleach” or even “they make me think of an empty warehouse, for some reason, with the way that they smell.” None of these are things I said. So don’t be so fussy. I eat at Subway! I really don’t hate you guys! Really!

But since you’re reading this, if I may offer some input, it would be nice if your food could be more, let’s just say, consistent. I mean, sometimes I eat Subway and I’m like “damn, that’s delicious” and other times I am like “Jersey Mike’s is a way better restaurant chain.” Actually, I would would probably say “Jersey Mike’s is a way better restaurant chain” even when I am fully satisfied with your service, but that is only because “Jersey Mike’s is a way better restaurant chain” is like my catchphrase. You wanna know what I shouted when Joe Biden won the 2020 election? Why, I shouted “Jersey Mike’s is a way better restaurant chain!” Like I said, it’s my catchphrase.

Anyway, what I’m saying is it was all in good fun. I don’t wish any ill-will to you, or your mediocre commercials. And speaking of which, can you please stop sending random athletes to my door threatening me with questionable phrases like “we are going to kill you and everything that you love, Scrat!” because I said stuff about Subway? Like I don’t even know who half of them are, which I guess is sort of embarrassing. I was like “wait, that’s the purple-haired soccer chick, right?” and “I think that one person was maybe in the Olympics.” At the very least, can you send Tom Brady over here if you must keep this up? I would recognize him (more importantly, I know he’s retired, meaning he can’t destroy me, not even for you).

On behalf of The Avocado, I apologize.
Sincerely yours,
Scrat “Eat Fresh” Stitch (I have legally changed my username just to show you how sorry I am)