Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino’s Butt is a rather infamous SEGA game from the early 90s. It was one of a seemingly endless number of Sonic the Hedgehog imitators which may or may not have been better than Bubsy (was Bubsy actually bad, or has so-called “popular opinion” gaslit us as a society into thinking so? See, I can get deep with this stuff). Like many children’s properties of the era, Awesome Possum also had a “do not litter” message, as Awesome Possum would have to pick up trash galore on his quest to kick Dr. Machino’s butt. Also, the game was marketed as being “revolutionary” at the time for featuring a ton of actual voice clips for its heroic possum vigilante, which meant that he never shut up and also caused it to run slow as all fuck due to limited memory on the cartridge.

Of course, I’m just saying all of this from YouTube banter I’ve watched, as I’ve never actually played the fucking game. Maybe it’s as awesome as its protagonist is. But I can judge the “comic book” which came with it, an exploration of Awesome Possum’s origin story. And it’s…well, okay, it’s stupid. I’m covering it in an OT. Of course it’s stupid. But stupid in the kind of way I adore.

Once upon a time, Awesome Possum (who back then apparently just went by “Possum”) was minding his own business in a tree, when out of nowhere evil robots with chainsaws came in and started tearing the forest down so they could build a parking lot. This infuriated Possum so much that he…wait, I’m sorry, I have to address something here. Why is it that these environment-hating villains always want to build fucking parking lots? I mean, a parking lot in the middle of nowhere is going to be pointless since parking lots, by their very invention, have to be somewhere people actually fucking park their cars.

This forest isn’t anywhere near a shopping mall (those places still got crowded in the 90s, ya whippersnappers!), a movie theater, or even a fucking church. No one is going to use that parking lot! Maybe Dr. Machino is doing this because…he loathes trees? Or it could be that he wants to take over the world by polluting it, and he wouldn’t actually be the first bad guy I’ve talked about who had that as their endgame (see also “Crud” from that one scary Winnie the Pooh episode).

Anyway…where was I? Oh right. Awesome Possum was suddenly joined by a rhino and a giant bee who must’ve been residents of this forest too, and so it was that his quest for furry vengeance began. He WOULD kick Dr. Machino’s butt, no matter what. But…at what cost? AT WHAT COST???

Have a great day, y’all!