The Frosty Returns Night Thread Also Doesn’t Count as a Christmas Thread

Frosty Returns is a shitty 1992 TV special. It is a “sequel” to 1969’s Frosty the Snowman, but really doesn’t have anything to do with that, as Rankin/Bass had no involvement. In fact, it only exists because CBS wanted a special they could air alongside Frosty, and they didn’t have the broadcast rights to Frosty’s Winter Wonderland. It also has nothing to do with Christmas, keeping up the grand tradition of Frosty follow-ups that don’t involve the holiday.

Frosty Returns feels like a shitty Peanuts special. It takes place in a shitty town, filled with shitty little kids who sing about how much they love the snow until they decide that they actually hate it, because the dumb kids think that if there’s no more snow, then they will get ten months of summer vacation. That’s because they’re full of shit and have no idea how school schedules work. Also, while I’m still talking about these shitty brats, let me take this moment to point out that one of them looks like Snuffy Smith for some reason. Also, why do I know who Snuffy Smith is? Just how old am I?

Anyway, this town is also full of shitty adults who blindly buy a spray can product that instantly melts snow. I think that shitty movie Envy or whatever the shit it was called may have stolen the plot from this special. If you don’t remember Envy, I don’t blame you, but it was centered around a spray can that made dog shit disappear. I’m not entirely sure that movie is real. Anyway, the can of global warming is the creation of a shitty villain named Mr. Twitch or some shit. Mr. Twitch is so shitty that his main goal is for the town to love him enough to crown him king of their shitty annual winter carnival…except that he actually thinks that means he will be king. I don’t know how Mr. Twitchy even believes the world functions. Does he think that the Homecoming Queen becomes an actual monarch? Is Prince Harry going to write a book about that someday?

Frosty is also technically a part of this, although he doesn’t “return” as the title would suggest since he’s never been to this shitty town before. Also he’s played by John Goodman, so hey, that’s cool. I mean, he’s making wisecracks now–which doesn’t really suit Frosty’s personality, but hey, John Goodman. A young Elizabeth Moss is here as a girl named Holly. Everyone thinks Holly is weird because she believes in things like magic and Scientology, but she and Frosty do become friends. And they sing a song about a snow which I actually don’t hate, but it’s sung three times over the course of a special that only lasts 22 minutes, so maybe I hate it after all. There are also plenty of jokes “for adults” which are probably due to this coming from the early days of The Simpsons. so there are references to things like heart attacks and MTV.

But hey, I don’t want to be completely negative for this, so I will say that one of the special’s morals–“One friend is better than no friends at all. One friend is plenty.”–is a nice one for both kids and adults. And if you feel like experiencing Frosty Returns for yourself, here’s an upload that includes commercials from 1997:

Have a frosty night, Avocados!