Lyrics by David Javerbaum and the late, great Adam Schlesinger. Note that the italicized lines are sung by Stephen Colbert in countermelody, in the style of “The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth” by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.

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I have no money in my coffer
No gold or silver do I bring
Nor have I precious jewels to offer
To celebrate the newborn King

Yet do not spurn my gift completely
O ye three wise men, please demur
Behold a plant that smokes more sweetly
Than either Frankincense or Myrrh

And like the child born in this manger
This herb is mild, yet it is strong
And it brings peace to friend and stranger
Good will to men lies in this bong

And now my wonder weed is flarin’
Are you high?
Looked like that special star above
Can it be?
Pass it around in endless sharin’
On Christmas Day?
And let not mankind bogart love
You’d smoke my tree

And the wise men started tokin’
And yea, the bud was kind
It was salvation they were smokin’
And its forgiveness blew their minds

And still that wonder weed is flarin’
Are you high?
Looked like that star was once above
You’re so high
Pass it around in endless sharin’
Dude, man, dude
And let not mankind bogart love
You’re really high – I’m gonna tell your savior

And let not mankind bogart love