The Bram Stoker’s Dracula Video Game Day Thread Has Gone Insane

Bram Stoker’s Dracula opened on this day 30 years ago. The softcore porno film gothic horror romance shocked the industry by scoring the seventh best opening weekend ever at the time, and if you want to know how different things were back then, it made around $30 million. Filled with blood and nudity, you might be surprised that the movie had a video game tie-in (and a pinball machine!) that was targeted at children, but hey, it was the 90s. It would have been weirder if it didn’t have one.

I love how it advertises you can battle Dracula “even as an old man”…because that’s WAY cooler than fighting him as a wolf or lame bat.

Anyway, naturally, there were commercials to help sell the game (as was the norm back in the day, it came out several months after the release of the film). Some of these emphasized the 3-D gameplay and the like, with some dude becoming so immersed as he played it on the SEGA CD, he was actually IN Dracula’s coffin. Yeah, yeah, that’s cute and all, but what if it had a commercial about a hapless retail worker who was driven to total insanity?

This ad aired on Fox Kids. Seems fine.

Our story begins with a poor store employee going to the bathroom, but just as he’s about to take a dump (he is literally midway through pulling his pants down), his boss from Hell comes bursting in through the door, screaming at him and waving a…carrot in his face. He’s upset that he hasn’t unloaded the carrots from the crate yet, and I think I can say with some level of certainty that in the entire history of humanity, this scenario has never actually taken place, at least involving carrots and toilets specifically.

Our hero starts daydreaming about–what else–playing DRACULA the video game! He starts to believe that his boss is a vampire, apparently, as the commercial seems to end with him about to drive a carrot through his heart. Again, I would guess this has never actually happened, but only when limited to carrots and toilets.

Have a spooky day, Avocados! Also, do YOU know where the bastard sleeps? Because I do. I put him there…in CARFAX ABBEY!!!