Oh fucking bother.

HA! See what I did there? I added the word “fuck” to Winnie the Pooh’s signature wholesome catchphrase. Winnie the Pooh isn’t supposed to say “fuck”–he’s a lovable childhood icon! Aren’t I clever and edgy? Shouldn’t I be making movies?

By now you’ve no doubt heard about a “movie” called Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, a horror “film” created to cash in on the character becoming public domain earlier this year. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “cash in”? I meant “it’s a highly anticipated release” or something like that, because if you want evidence as to how out of touch the entertainment media is these days, look no further than how they’re covering Blood and Honey.

“This movie is going to ruin your childhood!” No it fucking isn’t. This doesn’t even look anything like Winnie the Pooh. It looks more like that one edgelord you’ve found on DeviantArt who draws pictures of Disney characters with blood all over them and thinks they are provoking you. Oh, wait, no, that’s not even fair to that fucking edgelord on DeviantArt, because at least that guy is at least placing something resembling effort into what they do.

Anyway, there’s now a trailer for Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey. And from the looks of things, this movie had a production budget of ten whole dollars. Maybe fifteen. And damn it, the people who made this damn thing don’t even know how to make a fucking preview! I dare you to take anything about this crap seriously with the clunky exposition taglines they throw at you, JUST SO YOU KNOW THAT THIS MOVIE IS TAKING BELOVED CHILDHOOD ICONS AND MAKING THEM EVIL!!! GET IT??? ISN’T THIS SO MESSED UP AND EDGY???

So, let’s see what we got here. Christopher Robin as an adult is bringing his girlfriend to the 100 Acre Wood so she can meet Pooh, Piglet, and “the rest of them” except that “the rest of them” don’t show up because, damn it, they could only afford two cheap animal masks. There’s a grave for Eeyore. There are signs that look like they were written in cheap paint the day the film was shot. And I guess Winnie the Pooh kills Christopher Robin’s girlfriend or whatever. Because Pooh’s not supposed to do that, except he is now. Pretty edgy, right?

Then some dopey dumbass teenagers show up. It seems that the casting sheet for this movie just said “must be kind of hot, I guess” because no one here can act. Like, at all. And then Winnie the Pooh and Piglet kill them. ISN’T YOUR CHILDHOOD RUINED NOW???

There’s no passion here. Actually, there’s no anything here. Who the fuck is this for? Oh right, no one, because this movie isn’t trying to be good or even darkly funny (seriously, it’s not even having fun with what it’s doing!), it’s just designed to get people to watch it because “wait a minute, Winnie the Pooh isn’t scary! Blood and honey? Why, I never!”

I expect for Summer of Tigger to be announced any day now…