You are now entering Ad Space, a realm of commercials, brought before us so we might examine how they work, and discuss why we both love and hate them so. So it is written …

The Product:
Bryan Wilson, Attorney at Law

The Promotions:

The Pitch:
TALONS OF JUSTICE!!!

Originally, I planned this post to highlight ads from several different lawyers, all of whom went ultra-aggressive with their sales pitch. ‘Cause there are a ton of lawyer commercials that take “I’ll fight for you!” very literally.

Such as Mike “the Hammer” Slocumb, who symbolizes getting “big bucks” for his clients by shooting a CGI deer, with a rifle so big the thing’s head explodes. Or Darryl “the Hammer” Isaacs, who made a Superbowl ad where he’s a hammer-wielding superhero, wholloping hordes of aliens and killer robots (who apparently work for the insurance companies). Or there’s the frighteningly intense Jim “the Hammer” Shapiro, who vows, “I CANnot RIP OUT THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO HURT YOU! I CANnot HAND YOU THEIR SEVERED HEADS! But I CAN HUNT THEM DOWN AND SETTLE THE SCORE!”

But then I discovered Bryan “the Texas Law Hawk” Wilson, and I knew all those others just couldn’t compare. I had to do research to make sure this guy was an actual lawyer, not just an Internet comedian, ’cause these felt like they had to be sketch comedy, not real commercials.

I guess the difference is, unlike the other lawyers I mentioned, Wilson is of the Millennial generation. He grew up with these sorts of loud, over-the-top, bordering-on-violent attorney ads on TV, and is part of the current comedy zeitgeist where you don’t just exaggerate things so much they become silly, but so much they become borderline surreal.

I don’t know whether any of these dudes are actually good at practicing law, but if I ever need someone with a loud voice to help direct traffic or something, I’ll know who to call.