Job Rants Thread – 12/3/2021 – Health And Safety Training; or, For God’s Sake, Don’t Touch That

Hey, all; Happy and Healthy Friday –

You know what’s useful? CPR. You know what my job requires us to recertify in every 2-3 years? CPR. You know what skill I am absolutely incapable of performing in any way, shape, or form whether the practice dummy is on the floor, on a table, or literally placed right next to me? CP–I’m sure you get the bit by now. But yes, due to intricacies of our work in a healthcare and disability field, we’re required to bone-up on our rescue knowledge every few years, and I think that is absolutely fine and essential.

Well, if that’s the case, I hear you ask, (and I do, too) then where’s the rant? Well, voices in my head that I desperately have to assume are you readers, there really is none. I completely understand and respect why we need to get it done, and I accept with a combination of sadness and relief that, barring a horrifying set of circumstances I don’t even want to entertain, I will never be able to perform CPR in the proper way. Rather, my post this week comes from a place of bemusement where, in order to qualify as safety-trained, my be-spoked self caps off a comprehensive and thorough several hour online class with…Two minutes of watching my boss do the standard demonstration on a dummy. Bing, bang, boom, that’s it; Gimpy’s certified. Honestly, I think my boss was even somewhat taken aback by how quick it went: In years past, they’ve come with a full-set of training dummies, plastic face-coverings, breathing tubes, the works. This time, they came with one dummy with duct-tape across its’ chest, and no extra accoutrements; they didn’t even require that we breathe into the damn thing. I figure that either the trainer had a busy day ahead of him and wanted to get this done, or that the idea of being around so many people breathing outward must have had him unsettled for some completely unknown and mysterious reason.

Anyway, I got my cool little card now; so, if anyone accidentally gets like, bleach in your eyes, or something, I’m your man. Oh, and before anyone brings up the idea that. while I may not be able to physically help, being certified means that I can at least instruct others in a crisis situation, well…Let’s just hope it never, ever comes to that; for your sake, or anyone else’s.


As ever, have a safe and productive rest of the day, safe trip home, if out, and great weekend. And remember: Be mindful of yourself at work or play; the last thing you want is me coming to your rescue.