New Game Releases 04/27/21 – 05/03/21

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so we present this week’s New Game Releases on his behalf. Here is his taped response.

 

Top Releases:

New Pokémon Snap (Switch) – Releases Apr. 30th

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so we present this game on his behalf.

Total War: Rome Remastered (PC) – Releases Apr. 29th

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so we present this game on his behalf.

Returnal (PS5) – Releases Apr. 30th

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so we present this game on his behalf.

R-Type Final 2 (PC/PS4/Switch/Xbox One/Series X|S) – Releases Apr. 30th

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so we present this game on his behalf.

 

Everything else:

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so we present everything else on his behalf.

Crime Opera: The Butterfly Effect (Switch/Xbox One/Series X|S) – Releases Apr. 28th

Genshin Impact (PS5) – Releases Apr. 28th

Insurmountable (PC) – Releases Apr. 29th

Legend of Keepers (PC/Stadia/Switch) – Releases Apr. 29th

 

Notable Releases from 10, 20 and 30 years ago:

Andy couldn’t be here tonight so I will present these notable titles on his beha…wait, what? I don’t know anything about video games. What? Just make it up? Okay, okay, here we go…

Thor: God of Thunder (PS3/DS/Wii/Xbox 360) – Released May 3rd, 2011: Wiki Link

So, um, the Marvel (it’s Marvel, right?), um, the Marvel character Thor was in a video game, I guess. It was released on PlayStation 3, Nintendo Wii, Microsoft’s Xbox 360, and had a portable version on the Nintendod’s…what? Oh, sorry, Nintendo DS. What is a portable system, like a Game Boy? It is? Hey, look at that, I know something. Okay, so, like, Chris Hemsworth did this game and had a great time, you know? Looking at the picture above I think they used some really bad hair and make up people, but what do you expect from something as crass as a video game? I gotta go now…wait, there’s more? Jesus, how long have video games been around?

The Adventures of Cookie & Cream (PS2) – Released Apr. 30th, 2001: Wiki Link

What is this, some kind of Oreo game? Come on fellas, I’m dying out here, okay, I don’t know shit about this stuff. Just look at the picture? What the fuck is going on this image? I can’t tell a god damn thing about it. Fine, fine, okay, so, like, you’re in this jungle temple thing, and there’s a time limit, right, okay, and, like, you have to reach a goal after leaving the start. What are those, like, wooden turn styles? I guess you move through those to get to the rock concert…er…airport? I have no fucking clue what is going on here!! Look, you need to get cream for the Oreo’s by chopping down the rainforest, typical gamer bullshit. Did you know Steve Bannon helped fund World of Warcrafts? You people are sick.

David Crane’s The Rescue of Princess Blobette Starring A Boy and His Blob (Game Boy) Released May 1991: Wiki Link

Oh, Game Boy! I knew that one! I knew that one, remember?! Let’s see, um, okay, so, like, there’s a castle here and I guess this boy and his blob, I’m sorry, HIS blob? Are we teaching children that slavery is an accepted reality? Everyday, millions of animals are SLAUGHTERED, as they live a life of forced slavery at the hands of ranchers and farmers across the globe. You want to rescue someone, rescue THEM! You all make me sick to my stomach, it’s appalling. I didn’t want to talk about video games, okay, I told you when you called me, alright? I was very busy organizing my garage, okay? I don’t get many weekdays off, I just spent the weekend rehearsing for the Oscars so I didn’t have time to get everything in my garage cleaned up like I wanted. Then, instead of doing my chores LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO, I am called out here to fill in for this guy I’ve never met, and who seems like an asshole, by the way, and accept these games on his behalf? What is this, anyway? Is this even an awards show? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS GAME, I have nothing to say about the blob slave trade simulator, okay. This is fucking ridiculous, I have to go. FINE! I don’t want the money anyway. What? “Why“, because I don’t. Oh, “what do you want instead“, how about a, um, um, I don’t know, a fucking vanilla milkshake. Yeah, get me a big ass, mother fucking milkshake with whipped cream and a cherry on top, you fucking pricks. Sure, you can mail it to me, I bet it’ll taste great after two days in the mail, give me a fucking break, how stupid are you? I am leaving! Fuck you, and fuck you. Lose my number.

 

Hey everyone, it’s Andy here! I want to give a HUGE thank you to Joaquin Phoenix for filling in for me this week, I was super slammed with work, and I spent most of my weekend cleaning out my garage which was a really big project, but I’m glad to have finally gotten it taken care of. Happy Tuesday!

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