This is a really light week in terms of number of releases, but the top game is a BIG one. Get ready to spend time with your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day as you make out super fucking hard while the super sexual soundtrack to Super Mario 3D World comes blaring out of your super speakers. All that heavy petting, tongues entwined in erotic passion, hearts racing, blood flowing, skin tingling, as you both share a delicious plate of caviar and oysters. Go ahead, rub the food on each other, it’s okay, it’s really, really hot. Yeah…keep going…oh fuck, yeah…yeahhhhh. Look at you two, sexy as hell, you know what you’re doing.
Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury (Switch) – Releases Feb. 12th
If it wasn’t for the Virtual Console, the Wii U would basically be a useless console. With the release of Super Mario 3D World, we are getting what is arguably the last good game left on the Wii U to make it to the Switch (I guess those Zelda remakes are good too, but, eh…). Featuring the cutest Mario costume to date (Cat Mario), Super Mario 3D World is a great single AND multi-player title that will have you and your friends laughing at the mayhem, and yelling when somebody messes up. Just in case the five people who bought it on Wii U need something new, a brand new mode has been added, a co-op experience called Bowser’s Fury, which sees Mario and Bowser Jr. working together to subdue an overly aggressive Bowser by taking Mario’s super cute cat form and giving it a colossal make over into a ferocious lion. Super Mario 3D World might be a port, but it is probably the first “must have” game of 2021.
My Universe – Pet Clinic: Cats & Dogs (PS4/Switch) – Releases Feb. 9th (Released on PC back in December, 2020)
Since Nintendo has yet to release a Nintendogs game for Switch, virtual pet fans will have to be content with third party titles, sorry. In My Universe – Pet Clinic, players will create their own character, build a veterinary office, and tend to the needs of several cute and cuddly cats & dogs. I’m not saying that you can use this to soothe your lonely soul on Valentine’s Day if you’re single, but I’m not saying you CAN’T either.
Little Nightmares II (PC/PS4/Switch/Xbox One) – Releases Feb. 11th
The faceless masses stare at their screens all day, fattening themselves up, warping their already mushy brains…but you’re different. You see things just, like, a bit more skewed than most people; it’s what makes you unique. As Mono, the little boy with a bag over his head, you must help save Six, the little girl in the yellow raincoat, from her terrible fate, while at the same time unraveling the mystery of The Signal. Sounds spooky, looking forward to buying the merch at Hot Topic.
Romance of the Three Kingdoms XIV: Diplomacy and Strategy Expansion Pack (PC/PS4/Switch) – Releases Feb. 11th
Just in time for Valentine’s Day comes the most romantic game of the year; Romance of the Three Kingdoms XIV: Diplomacy and Strategy Expansion Pack. I mean, I assume it’s about love based on the title. I really think my wife is going to love it.
Gal Gun Returns (PC/Switch/Xbox One) – Releases Feb. 12th
I’m not saying that you can use Gal Gun Returns to soothe your lonely soul on Valentine’s Day if you’re single, but I’m not saying you CAN’T either.
Notable Releases from 10, 20 and 30 years ago:
Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds (PS3/Xbox 360) – Released Feb 15th, 2011: Wiki Link
A Valentine’s Day Scenario, 2011: It was another long night in the boardroom of Blockbuster Video. My good buddy Michael Kelly had just taken the company over after they filed for bankruptcy, determined to turn the failing company around. He knew that with my extensive work with DOW Chemicals, Exxon, Haliburton, Enron, The Republican Party, and as executive producer of mastermind Donald Trump’s The Apprentice, I would be perfect to help him shape Blockbuster’s future for the next decade…or at the very least figure out how to get all the executives the best golden parachutes. Just as I was finishing grabbing my secretaries tits while she jacked me off in my office, I looked down at the calendar and realized what day it was…VALENTINE’S DAY. “Oh fuck! I gotta get home. Get your fucking hands off me, my wife told me to expect something special this year; I assume that to mean a three way. Clean yourself off and pick up my dry cleaning, I have a really big meeting tomorrow with this guy who’s wants to sell pillows, Mike something, and I don’t want to fuck it up“. Finishing myself off in the elevator to a video of Fergie performing at the recent Super Bowl, I thought to myself, I’m a really lucky guy. As I sped home I nearly hit a guy walking his dog, actually, I think I DID hit a guy walking his dog, whatever, fuck him, THREE WAY!! I pulled my 2010 Audi A6 into our spacious 4 car garage, right next to my wife’s 2010 Lexus ES and my dick head son’s 2010 Mercedes-Benz E-Class; little shit. I went into the kitchen and saw a note from my wife, “Meet me in the bedroom“. FUCK. YES. After 22 years of marriage she was finally giving me the Valentine’s Day present I had always wanted…hmm, remember that year she got me a golf video game, and then like 11 years when she got me Ridge Racer 64…thank god I stopped playing video games, she’d never pull a stunt like that on me again…I mean, she did get me a PS3 for Christmas…no, it’s a three way I know it. I went up the stairs, waiting to move on them like a bitch, throwing open the bedroom door I saw my wife standing there with her hands behind her back. “Hello dear. Happy Valentine’s Day“, she said. “Hey darling, um, is the other girl coming later, or is she in the bathroom?”, I asked. She looked confused for a second then, smiling, she pulled her hand out from behind her back, a gun in her hand. I didn’t really think about what was happening as I heard the bang. Suddenly everything went white and in a moment I realized that I was no longer alive, but a ghost, floating above my dead body. How could she do this to me?! On the night we were supposed to have a three way! Now I knew how Marilyn Manson felt after Even Rachel Wood broken off their recent engagement, and he’s a really good guy, like me, so I can only imagine it was somehow her fault. I sighed and floated out of the room, contemplating just what a ghost does. I passed by my son’s room, he had taken my PS3 and hooked it up to his new 3D television set, on the screen I could see Iron Man fighting the buff mayor from Final Fight. My moron son, sitting on the floor, was stuffing opioids into his mouth like candy. I knew what I had to do…get the fuck out of there as fast as I could before he OD’d and tried to cramp my style as a ghost, fucking shit head. I guess this will be the last Valentine’s Day story I tell you, unless I think about what I did for it in 1982…
Mega Man X5 (PlayStation) – Released Feb. 1st, 2001: Wiki Link
Try and imagine a world where there were so many Mega Man games released that people weere tired of seeing them come out. Yeah, pretty nuts, right; but it happened! Series co-creator Keiji Inafune had wanted the X series to end with part 5, telling the team to really give the game a sense of closure, putting a cap on X and Zero’s story. They did…and then Capcom decided to make a part 6, infuriating Inafune. Critics were so-so on the title, feeling like the Mega Man franchise was starting to feel stale after receiving countless entries over the last 14 years. Without much difference between X5 and X4, reviewers said the title was basically just for hardcore fans, as the casual fan would be both bored and frustrated. One cool little detail was that the names for the Maverick bosses were based on the band Guns N’ Roses, with monikers like Duff McWhalen and Grizzly Slash. However, when the game was released as part of the Mega Man X Legacy Collection, the names were changed to bring them closer in line with the original Japanese, removing the only thing that made X5 stand out from the rest of the series. The game sold okay, nothing really special though, but the series would still continue, much to Inafune’s chagrin, before eventually ending in 2005.
The Simpsons: Bart vs. The Space Mutants (NES) – Released Feb. 1991 or possibly April 1991: Wiki Link
After debuting in December of 1989, The Simpsons became a cultural phenomenon throughout the year 1990. With this success came the inevitable merchandising blitz, with Bart and his family being slapped onto t-shirts and lunchboxes, immortalized in plastic as their own action figures, and of course, being the stars of their own video game. While Konami was hard at work on a beat ’em up arcade game over in Japan, well known game designer Garry Kitchen and the team at Imagineering were working on a home console title for America’s favorite yellow skinned clan of misfits. Titled Bart vs. The Space Mutants, the developers conceived of the idea that Bart would run and jump his way through several levels, thwarting the plans of the evil space mutants as they try to take over Earth, but true to Kitchen’s form, the game was not a straightforward side scroller. Instead. Bart would have to complete a specific task in each level, eventually causing a boss to appear before moving on to the next stage. For example, in level one, Bart must get rid of all the purple items in the stage, using spray paint to make them red, or using water from a fire hydrant to wash away wet purple paint, etc. While the idea was clever enough, Bart vs. The Space Mutants was not well received by critics and players for one major reason; the controls were absolutely terrible. With bad hit detection, poor jumping skills, and movement that felt both stiff and floaty, Bart vs. The Space Mutants was one of those quintessential games where most kids only remember the first level of the game, because no one could beat it. It’s also a level where the developers of the game seemed to spend most of their time as well, because it’s the only stage that feels like it takes place in the world of The Simpsons, featuring the most references to the show, as opposed to later stages which felt generic and featured enemies like giant shoes and bouncing donuts. Despite the poor critical reception, the game sold really well, a testament to just how popular The Simpsons were in early 1991 (let’s not forget that Do The Bartman was still a top 40 song). Still, as bad as it is, that first level is still so neat to see on the screen, being our first glimpse of The Simpsons in the digital world, and allowed fans to interact with Springfield and live their wildest Bart fantasies, I mean, that is if your fantasies included shooting bottle rockets at purple birds.
Once again, I want to wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day, I hope it is filled with lots of love and joy!
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