Grading the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons 2020

So, in case you didn’t know, Macy’s is still having a Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. But like with all things in 2020 (and especially in New York) the even is much scaled down. After all, it typically attracts 3.5 million people… and having all those folks in one place is a recipe for disaster. So, instead, this year’s parade is going to be a “virtual” event.

God. Just typing that fills me with malaise.

As with all things, we approach it with understanding, but also with a sense that maybe it would be less depressing if there wasn’t a parade at all.

We are guaranteed that the balloons will still be a thing. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out. Are they just going to anchor them in one place but held up high so you can admire them from afar?

Two new balloons will debut this year. One of them is Boss Baby. Geez, as if 2020 couldn’t be more depressing. Boss Baby is clearly issuing layoffs. His demeanor suggests that he is making an attempt at empathy but totally failing at it, instead feeding energy from all the pensions he will no longer have to pay and the government bail out money he gets to pocket. Damn you, Boss Baby. Damn you to hell. Grade: D.

Snoopy’s been through many iterations, and the latest one is Astronaut Snoopy. You know, I was actually wondering if kids these days even know who Snoopy is, what with Peanuts being an ancient comic strip if yore and that latest film not really making much of an impact. But then I started wondering, in this age of SpaceX, “Wait…. do kids even know what NASA is, other than a distressed logo they sell on shirts at H&M?” Grade: B.

I swear, I thought these guys were “classic” Macy’s balloons that get trotted out from time to time. Apparently they’re promoting a Netflix original film? Cripes, there was a Christmas Chronicles 1? Balloons like this make me feel even more out of touch than ever and get off my lawn! Grade: C+.

Pikachu is always cool, and he’s especially cool in balloon form. Heck, a Pikachu balloon even gets a prominent spot in the Detective Pikachu movie. However, the Macy’s Balloon Pikachu will never be as delightful as smaller, deflating Pikachu. Grade: B.

So yeah, it’s a mascot for a petroleum company. That said, I can’t be too mad at it. It’s a dinosaur. Specifically, the brontosaurus/apatosaurus, the most lovable of dinosaurs. I think we can all agree that an all-dinosaur Macy’s parade would be welcome. The Sinclair balloon made its debut in 1963, and if anything it looked far more impressive back then. Grade: B+.

You see, this is Exhibit A on why we need to defund Chase. Where do the Paw Patrol get off on spending money on jet packs? Grade: C.

More like “The Terrifying Lovecraftian Creature Flies Up To The Sky.” How many nightmares has this balloon inspired? And how unconvincingly chipper will Savannah Guthrie, Hoda Kotb, and Al Roker sound while trying to sell the viewing public on the whimsy of this refugee from Joker’s Gotham City parade? I suppose Macy’s attempt at getting balloons to represent honest attempts at art is noble. But, look, literally everything in the parade is a corporate mascot or an advertisement for an upcoming film or a teen musical performer that Disney is trying to push hard. It’s a little late to cater to the liberal arts crowd. Grade: C.

So the Bowling Council got to you too, huh, Macy’s? Grade: B+.