Grading the Paw Patrol

Ah, the Paw Patrol. This Canadian cartoon has been dominating kids’ TV for years and providing children with unrealistic career expectations. A hot tip for you kids: garage trucks can’t transform into boats. And the police can’t fly around on jetpacks… yet. To understand the Paw Patrol is to unlock the last decade of children’s marketing.

Here’s an arbitrary ranking of the main five pups. No job is too big, no pup is too small!

Chase was at the center of a political firestorm this year. Conservative commentators, duped by lies from the White House itself, were convinced that the #acab movement was going to cancel CHASE! It will be yet another strange footnote to the weirdness of the year 2020. Even before then, Chase was never my favorite. He has an easy to remember catchphrase (“Chase is on the case!”), but that’s about it. Maybe we should defund Chase. Grade: B-.

You know who doesn’t have a great catchphrase? Marshall. This ended up being a feature for me. I was at an elementary school reading a Paw Patrol book, and I would ad lib all the catchphrases. I was at a loss, so I improvised, “Marshall… is being impartial.” I decided there and then that this was far better than whatever Marshall’s real catchphrase was. Wait… let me google this… “Ready or not, I’m coming in hot”? Come on. Marshall. COME ON. Grade: B+.

The Paw Patrol site tells me that Skye’s breed is “cockapoo.” I had no idea this was a real dog breed and not, say, a Dr. Seuss fabrication. Anyway, Skye’s one thing was that she could fly. That was great at first, but then the rest of the Paw Patrol got rocket packs and vehicles that could turn into flying vehicles which makes Skye sadly redundant. It’s only a matter of time before the others go after her grappling hook specialty, too. Cockapoo, though. That counts for something. Grade: C.

Now we’re taking! Rubble is the total package! He’s got the catchphrase (“Rubble on the double!”), the baller construction vehicles, the entire alpha dog demeanor, and a general bonhomie. Rubble is a one man wrecking crew who eats boulders for breakfast. Move over, Plastic Ono Band: Rubble is a true working class hero. Grade: A.

Don’t get me wrong, I respect Rocky’s profession. After all, in a world where pups can grow up to be pilots and firefighters, someone still has to clean up the toilets. And it’s great to instill a sense of pride in what may seem a lowly profession. But… he’s still a guy who drives a garbage truck. Everyone else on the Paw Patrol falls under the “rescue” umbrella. Future ones would even follow Skye’s lead and just be *blank* rescue. Snow rescue, sea rescue… I dunno, Australian Outback rescue. I have no idea why the trash man is with them. If I’m reading all the quarantine placards right, delivery people are the real heroes. Where’s the delivery pup, Paw Patrol?!?! Grade: C-.