Hi, it’s me, your friend, Future ex-Mrs. Malcolm. This is The Day Thread.

I’m writing this at 7:09 pm on Saturday, May 2, 2020, and unless something new and extra-extra-extra shitty goes down between now and 8 AM PST on May 20, 2020, you’re going to be reading this on the morning of my 36th birthday. I have to say, up until the last few months, 35 was a pretty eventful year for me. I broke my arm. I got my first full-time public librarian job. Those two things are not related, thankfully. I’m sure other stuff happened, but those are the ones that stick out the most to me at the moment. Anyway, there’s a bunch of bad shit happening out in the world right now and everyone’s all stressed out and sad and we can’t do a lot to make it better and I’m sure you’re so, so, so beyond sick of reading about it because god knows I am and I’m writing this from more than two weeks ago so I can’t even imagine how over everything you are two weeks from now.

Anyway, let’s get to a list of birthday wishes that I have, which might be a little different this year than they were in previous years. I have 36 candles on this birthday cake, so I get 36 wishes – that’s how this works, right?

First thing, if it’s your also birthday today, I wish you a wonderful day and I hope you have a brilliant year (or at least a do-over from the first half of it). Please please aim your upvotes at ANDIDDY in particular, who is such a good dude and never seems to mind that I always claim the day thread for myself when it’s his birthday too. Andiddy has asked me to mention Macho Man Randy Savage, who lest we forget died on this day in 2011 and may or may not have stopped The Rapture. Andiddy, you are clever and funny and you have a kind heart and I’m sure you’re very handsome and really, truly, The Avocado is a better place with you around.

Ok so I wrote out 36 individual wishes and wow did that depress and exhaust me so I just deleted them. Greatest hits of things I want for 2020: the pandemic to be over, tuna-flavored immortality potions for my cats, the release of Green Knight, a corn dog from the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, the long and painful death of the mockingbird that sits next to my window and beeps like a fire alarm every single night, the return of Taco Bell taquitos, perpetual substantial funding for public libraries, a sudden and long-sustained spike in public displays of empathy and compassion, more Adam Driver movies, you get the idea.

Wow, that was kind of all over the place wasn’t it. Anyway, enough about me. Have as wonderful a day as you can possibly manage under the circumstances, eat something tasty and think of me, and go on posting in this beautiful place like everything is going to be okay. Because, eventually, it will be okay again. And happy birthday, Andiddy.