Welcome to The Christmas Club! It’s a gathering of people who punch each other in alleyways while wearing Santa hats and baubles in their beards. At least, this is what I hope. Hallmark is sure to disappoint me though.

Synopsis:

Two busy strangers meet when they help an elderly woman find her lost Christmas savings. Thanks to fate and Christmas magic, they also find something they were both missing: true love.

RECAP

The film begins in a dance academy, where our heroine Olivia is teaching a few tiny tots how to do the ballet. Olivia’s young daughter runs up and asks her mother to honestly judge her technique. After receiving positive criticism, the young girl happily runs off.

Olivia is then approached by a woman who tells her to find a man. She even goes so far to make a Christmas wish for Olivia even though she’s Jewish (as pointed out by Olivia herself).

We move onto a new scene with new characters. Our male lead Edward is a businessman who is back home with his family for Christmas. His sister tries to get him to embrace the holiday, but he’s just so darn busy what with deals and meetings to be had.

The next morning, our two leads meet by helping an old woman who has lost her money.

The poor old woman lost about $80 bucks that she saved all year for her grandkids’ gifts. If that’s all she managed in over 365 days, she’s got bigger issues. Olivia and Edward decide to kindly give their own cash to the lady. She’s very grateful and weirdly comments that they would never have met if they hadn’t helped an “old lady.” It makes the whole experience pointlessly awkward.

After she leaves, the couple talk smack about the old lady. They stroll to a nearby Christmas market with CGI snowfall. Here they discuss Edward’s broken childhood home and how he won’t eat pecans anymore. They then harass a nut vendor for pecans at Olivia’s request.

Olivia continues to manic pixie dream girl Edward by making him sit on a charming swing chair. This inevitably leads to a heart-to-heart. Incredible that they just met and are already going over their life stories and goals. They soon part ways.

Olivia returns to the dance studio and meets with the owner. The owner informs her that she’ll be selling the place, so Olivia is going to have to find a new job.

A distraught Olivia returns home to have a chat with her wise mother. Mom offers up some eggnog to make things easier. Olivia recaps the plot so far. Mom is proud that her daughter spoke to a man. She also encourages the soon-to-be-unemployed dance teacher that losing her job is an opportunity!

The next day, Olivia takes her daughter to the local park’s Christmas festival. Edward also just so happens to be here with his family.

Edward begins some heavy-duty flirtation with Olivia in front of his sister. It makes her uncomfortable enough to excuse herself.

Edward and Olivia use this time to talk about how Olivia has a DEAD HUSBAND™. Thankfully, the daughter interrupts their conversation before it becomes too sexy.

Before they part once again, Edward gives Olivia his number on a napkin. Unfortunately, after she spills a drink, her kid uses the napkin to clean things up.

This means poor Ed is left hanging. Both his sister and Olivia’s Jewish friend ask their friends why they haven’t gotten sexed up yet.

Thanks to serendipity, Olivia and Edward’s sister run into each other. The sister very forwardly asks why Olivia hasn’t called him to which Olivia replies, “because I’m not ready. Please leave me alone.” No. She mentions she lost his number and Edward’s sister happily hands them digits over.

But the number isn’t really necessary as Edward’s sister texts him the location of his lady love. Ed is in the middle of showing a client some building but dumps him to find Olivia. He meets with her in her dance studio and sparks fly.

However, everything is interrupted by Edward’s client who is so impressed by the dance studio that he wants the buy the location immediately. Because of this, Olivia no longer believes in fate.

Edward tries to make things better by telling Olivia that he’ll help her plan a dance business. They even find a location that would be suitable for a new studio. Olivia and Edward continue to bond over romantic walks, carriage rides, and hot dogs.

The couple fall in classic love and continue to discuss how this film is driven by “fate.”

Everything is going well. We even get a cookie baking montage. Sadly, we encounter our third act issue: Olivia must vacate the studio before the end of the week, thereby cancelling the children’s Christmas ballet.

Olivia plans to take care of this herself, much to the chagrin of her mother. Mom wants her to get the nice man’s help so that her spinster daughter can get married. Either way, Olivia gets a small business loan, allowing her to purchase her new dance studio and hold the pageant there.

Unfortunately, it turns out that Edward DID help by pulling strings to get the loan approved. Olivia finds out lets him know how disappointed she is. Edward’s childhood trauma resurfaces. He thinks that sad things happen on Christmas, like that girl you like doesn’t wanna like you back.

This is some seriously weird contrived third act issue.

Edward packs his bags because he’s a drama queen. But before he goes, his sister gives him a gift from a mysterious stranger…

Meanwhile, Olivia’s ballet kids are flailing around on stage. The pageant is a success — no thanks (but probably all thanks) to Edward.

In spite of their differences, Edward still makes it for the performance. He thanks Olivia for a gift box that contained twenty bucks. It meant a lot to him. Olivia never sent it, but somehow the old lady got her mitts on it and sent it to Edward whom she was stalking.

Just as the couple is about to kiss, they see the old lady. Actually, they see a PICTURE of the old lady.

They look at one another in shock. They shrug and kiss. FIN.

REVIEW

First of all, WTF is the Christmas Club? No one mentions it. There’s no club. Just a dance studio. That’s the closest part to a club one could imagine. Who’s in this club? Is it Santa? This title is currently the top contender for worst title. Up there with Cherished Memories: A Gift to Remember 2. It definitely wins “Most Infuriating Film Title 2019.”

The actor who plays Olivia has an acting style that I would describe as “breathless whisper.” She often seems enchanted by nothing. It worked and I would buy her as an arts teacher.

Edward perpetually wore a suit, therefore I bought him as a businessman.

The main takeaway though is that we FINALLY get a magical Santa character who has nothing better to do than to hook some random strangers up. Mrs. Claus is the matron saint of Tinder.

Rating: 3 out of 5 perfectly legal twenty-dollar bills.

STRAY THOUGHTS

• The last time I gave money to a person, they swindled me. I’m still pretty sore about that.
• Edward and Olivia lie to the old woman, telling her that they found her money. Edward tells Olivia to tell the story of finding the money, Olivia throws it back to him, and they bumble their way into telling a fake story that was wholly unnecessary.
• Ohhh Olivia is from Lost. That’s why I sort of know her.
• It looks sweltering at the Christmas festival. This was definitely filmed in June and I feel bad for everyone in parkas.
• Olivia and Edward’s sister mention that this whole thing might be “meant to be” which is really weird. What’s wrong with these people?
• People keep finding the 20s that the old lady lost and then doing good deeds with them.
• Edward opens the gift box from Olivia to show her daughter. A twenty-dollar bill flies out. They say that they don’t need it anymore and just let perfectly good cash fly out into the wind because they are WASPs. ARHOIGIOndafhwuoeg;ufa

NEXT UP

Christmas at the Plaza which I think takes place in the den of evil: New York City.