When a closeted celebrity proposes to an oblivious woman, he’ll drag friends, exes and a tabloid photographer into a vulgar screwball farce. The gays are evil, the women are gorgons and the straight leading man thinks he’s in a high school production of Arsenic and Old Lace. Misogyny drips from every pore. The supporting actors try their best but the amateur film making and the unpleasant script sinks them. No one needs to see this movie. Not even fans of special guest star Debbie Gibson.

But, if you’re curious, then read my spoiler filled recap instead.
Special thanks to bmoore4026 for recommending it.

Act One: Terrible People

Scene One: Gay Solves Everything
BRIDE: Thanks for coming to the wedding.
MEAN GIRL: Whatever. You’re all stupid. Slave, fetch me a drink!
NICE GUY (He only thinks he’s nice): I should break up with Mean Girl but she scares me. I have to get to an Important Work Meeting tonight.
EVIL GAY: Idiot. Just pretend you’re gay so she’ll dump you.
(Evil Gay kisses Nice Guy.)
MEAN GIRL: Well that explains the bad sex you lousy piece of $***! (Hits Nice Guy.)
NICE GUY: This film couldn’t get any more unpleasant.
CLOSETED SOAP STAR: Don’t kiss my boyfriend! (Punches Nice Guy.)
NICE GUY: I was wrong.

Scene Two: Blackmail
CLOSETED SOAP STAR: I’m marrying the Bride to protect my TV career but I’ll still give you blow jobs.
EVIL GAY: I’m mad at you but I do like blow jobs. SEX NOISE! SEX NOISE!
MEAN GIRL: Is that my ex-boyfriend making sex noises! I’m going to hit him again!
NICE GUY: I really should have left by now! (Climbs out a window and sees…)
DEBBIE GIBSON (A tabloid photographer): I wasn’t hiding on the roof taking pictures of the Closeted Soap Star having gay sex. (Hides blackmail film in her cleavage.)
NICE GUY: You were, but that’s okay because I want to bang you.

Act Two: Screwball Romance?

Scene Three: Sexual Harassment
CLOSETED SOAP STAR: I’ll kill that sneaky breeder!
NICE GUY: Nope. You’ll let her take your wedding photos in exchange for the blackmail film. Then she’ll bang me and I can leave for my Important Work Meeting!
BRIDES MOM (Valerie Perrine!): Nice Guy? Since you’re gay I want to bang you! (Strips.)
BRIDE and MEAN GIRL: Nice Guy? Since you’re gay we’ll try on underwear in front of you. (They strip.)
NICE GUY: Garsh! Boobies! (Trips over furniture and runs into walls.)

Scene Four: Wedding Photos
DEBBIE GIBSON: Wedding photo montage song! If I play with a sock puppet will this movie get funnier?
SOCK PUPPET: Wedding photo montage song! You can buy the soundtrack at…
EVIL GAY: Not gonna happen Debbie. Hey Bride? You sound familiar.
BRIDE: I’m the speaking voice for Princess Jasmine.
EVIL GAY: Cool. The title confuses me. “My girlfriend’s boyfriend” would indicate that you were seeing two people. Yet you’ve done nothing wrong. In fact… I feel sorry for you.
(Evil Gay’s heart grows three sizes.)
NICE GUY: Debbie Gibson I’m not gay! I love you!
MEAN GIRL: What? I’ll punch your face Nice Guy!
(Nice Guy ducks. Mean Girl punches Debbie Gibson unconscious.)
EVIL GAY: I’m a doctor! Get my bag!
(Everyone leaves. Evil Gay takes the blackmail film Debbie Gibson was hiding in her cleavage.)
EVIL GAY: No hetero.

Act Three: Evil Gay’s Revenge

Scene Five: Chase
EVIL GAY: I’ve got the film. Call off the wedding.
CLOSETED SOAP STAR: No. I’m going through with it no matter who it hurts.
EVIL GAY: Then I’ll mail the film to the tabloids myself!
DEBBIE GIBSON: No! Then I’ll get in trouble!
NICE GUY: No! If she gets in trouble, she won’t sleep with me! That’s more important than my Important Work Meeting! Which is character growth I guess? Is this movie still about me?
(Nice Guy, Debbie Gibson and Closeted Soap Star chase Evil Gay around the set for ten tedious minutes. Finally, Evil Gay reaches a P.O. Box)
EVIL GAY: You people are terrible. I’m saving the Bride from a sham marriage! How did I become the moral center of this film?
[spoiler title=Spoilers] BRIDE: Stop. I’m calling the wedding off. I’m not ready for marriage. (Whispers to Evil Gay.) I know he’s gay. He’s all yours.
EVIL GAY: You sure? When did you figure it out?
BRIDE: Who cares? Let’s just end this awful movie.

THE END [/spoiler]

Let’s Pretend

Most LGB+ people have had to pretend to be straight at some point in our lives. It’s an important survival skill. If you’re going to send up social mores by flipping that script you need something more to say than “gay guys are silly!” or “straight guys are dumb!” The Nice Guy here barely pretends he’s gay, and doesn’t seem to learn anything at all. Would this have worked better on stage?

The premise has a spotty track record. Critics liked Pillow Talk (1959), The Closet (2001), Dostana (2008) and Faking It (2016). They didn’t care for The Gay Deceivers (1969), Partners (1982), Kiss Me Guido (1997), Boat Trip (2003), Eating Out (2004), Freshman Orientation (2007), I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007), Chicks Dig Gay Guys (2013) or Macho (2016). Even Three’s Company moved on to other plotlines.

Which films did I leave out? Which ones did you enjoy when they aired? Which still have something to say in 2019? Will you give the “cis guy pretends he’s trans and gets woke” film Adam a chance later this year?

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Up next: A gay Groundhog Day set in a London disco. 1978’s Nighthawks.