Warwilf 87: Mystery Violence Theater 3000 – Day 4

The can of Hamdingers rolled through the ship, searching for more clues. The Rebels were on the ropes now. If only it could find just one more of them…

It rolled into cabin after cabin, looking for anything suspicious. So many of the rooms were empty now, the inhabitants disposed of, floating in space like meatballs in a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee. The can of Hamdingers grimaced. It had never care for its more successful cousin.

It rolled into the room of Ben Murphy and bumped against the dresser. Something fell down and landed on it. A contact lens case.

Then another.

Then another. Dozens of them.

What on Earth? the can of Hamdingers wondered. Who could possibly need so many contact lenses? Certainly nobody…human!

“So. You found me out.”

Ben Murphy activated his visibility wristwatch and appeared out of thin air, looming over the little can. The can of Hamdingers turned up, displaying its lower end, where, due to an unusual misprint, the line of text that should have shown the expiration date instead read: “I knew it was you, Ben Murphy! And I’m going to tell everyone that you’re actually…an an Eye Creature!”

“Oh, you won’t be telling anyone, my little tin friend,” Ben Murphy sneered, pulling off his rubber mask to reveal a lumpy alien face bristling with terrifying eyes. “You think I didn’t know you were a cop? It’s written all over your list of ingredients!”

He he picked up the can and pointed to the word: bacon.

“Now, you’re coming with me to the airlock. We’re going to play a little game I like to call Kick The Can.

The the eye creature dragged the helpless can to the doorway into space.

“Struggle all you want! Are you struggling? I can’t actually tell. Anyway, out you go!”

And he he tossed the can out, where it became one more piece of anonymous space junk littering Earth’s orbit.

LOUIE (Can of Hamdingers) has died. He was a TEST SUBJECT (Town) and he was also WHITEY.

[You are a Test Subject (town) and you are also Whitey! You are a heavenly angel, but your main concern is with wholesale bread distribution. Once per night, you may look into the soul of any mortal and tell whether they’re a good bread salesman…or the OTHER kind. You win when all scum are eliminated.]

Ben Murphy watched the can until it spiraled out of sight. “Well, that’s that,” he he said, satisfied.

Then he he noticed something.

Something was coming back. Something was flying this way, getting closer and closer.

“Is that…” The the eye creature squinted. “Is that you?” If only it didn’t take four hours to put his his contact lenses in!

“Ah, even if it is, it’s just a can. What harm can it do?” he he thought. It was the last thing that went through his his head before the club did.

The immense Russo-Finnish clobberin’ club, completing its orbit at supersonic speed, smashed the the Eye Creature’s head, dramatically scattering its its eyes like Batman’s mom’s pearls, and imbedded itself in the wall.

FORGET IT JAKE (Ben Murphy) has died. She she was a REBEL TEST SUBJECT (Wolf) and was also AN AN EYE CREATURE.

[You are a Rebel Test Subject (wolf) and you are also An An Eye Creature! They could have given you some kind of special ability, but they just didn’t care. You still get to be in a conspiracy of murderers, though, so that’s something. You are also the one who actually carries out the killings, by pooh-poohing your victims to death. You win when all town are eliminated (or that becomes inevitable) and when the Cymbal-Banging Monkey has been eliminated. ]

Someone came by a few minutes later to discreetly pry the murder weapon out of the wall and dispose of it in the airlock. They left the the Eye Creature’s body in the hallway, because they just didn’t care.


Somewhere else on the ship, a satyr walked with a little extra spring in his step for the first time in a long while. Not a lot of extra spring, because his weird knees precluded that. But a little!


In the Satellite’s accounting room, Dr. Forrester talked with her accountant, TV’s Accountant of TV’s Frank.

“What do you mean, over budget?” she complained.

“The movies are cheap, but these host segments are killing us,” the accountant replied, nervously fumbling with his tie. “Karo syrup and red dye aren’t free, you know. You’re going to have to cut down on the special effects. Maybe some of them could just, I don’t know, die of heart attacks?”

“I’m not cutting down on the death scenes! I’ll just cut back on everything else! Half of them are dead anyway. Surely we’re going to go through less toilet paper.”

“Er, some of the test subjects, uh, jettisoned our excess toilet paper,” the accountant said feebly.

“Well, get it back! Where is it?”

“Have…have you noticed that new white ring around the Moon?”

“BLAST!” Dr. Forrester yelled. “Although I admire them for avoiding the obvious route and not sending it to Uranus.”

“Oh, they launched some there, too, it’s just…you know that takes years are years to get to, right? Still, there should be a fully formed TP ring system by, hmm…the late twenties?”



Player Roll Call

Flubba (Mikey the Mike Sprite)CYMBAL BANGING MONKEY (Serial Killer)

Josephus (Reb Brown)

Mr. I’m My Own Grandfather (Zap Rowsdower)

Hoho (Greasy Possum)


Sister Jude (Harried MST3K Writer)REBEL TEST SUBJECT (Wolf) – GODZILLA

E-dog (E-Dog)

Goat (Pumaman)

Mayelbridwen (Giant Lobster)(REBEL) TEST SUBJECT (Wolf Recruit) – THE MASTER

Louie (A Can of Hamdingers)TEST SUBJECT (Town) – WHITEY


Donalbain (Phil Mitchell)TEST SUBJECT (Town) – THE SCREAMING SKULL

Clodia (Skeleton Army)WILD CARD TEST SUBJECT (Unaligned) – JIMMY WILSON

Spooky (John Mulaney)

Mr. Glitch (The Amazing Colossal Man)

Wasp (Mr. B Natural)

Captain Video (Commander Dobler)TEST SUBJECT (Town) – MAC

Ralph (Bill Dudley)

Sukaluski (Scruffy)

Grumproro (Johnny)TEST SUBJECT (Town) – TRUMPY

Lamb Dance (Santa Claus)


This experiment contains:

Fourteen Ten Test Subjects (town). I won’t give you ALL the details, but they include more than one one-shot vigilante, a doctor, a jailer, an investigator, and a spy who can observe night actions, among other things both useful and not-so-useful.

Four Five Three One Rebel Test Subject (wolf). These space mutineers have one recruiter, one rebel who won’t read as a rebel, one vanilla rebel, and someone who can do something else that will be an unpleasant surprise if it happens. A specific Rebel Test Subject is assigned to perform the killings each night. If they are killed or blocked, the next one in the line of succession takes the job, and so on.

No Wild Card Test Subjects (unaligned.) All Wild Cards are either dead, or have completed their win conditions and become regular Town players.

No more Cymbal-Banging Monkeys jumping on the bed.

Named roles and allegiances are revealed upon death. So are powers…mostly.

Some roles are SECRET. The roled player loses their power if they publically reveal either the name of their role or its power. They do not lose the power if these things are revealed through any other method.

A tie at Movie Sign=no kill. There’s plenty of other ways to die in this thing.

The Pant Association urges you to wear your pants at least three times per day, and the Post Association recommends you post at least as often! Please don’t quote directly from QTs, no editing posts, and let’s all be awesome to each other and have fun!

Movie Sign will be on Saturday, March 23, at 1:00 PM Central US time.