Monday

Having been recently selected for this position by a cabal of evildoers, I think it’s about time I instituted some reforms. Citizens of the Avocado keep telling me that I’m not allowed to do “reforms,” because my authority is limited to writing a header for the Weekend Politics Thread. But my henchmen cabinet and I have a different interpretation of the Avoconstitution. In fact, based on our entirely objective reasoning, I HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER AND EVERYONE HAS TO DO WHAT I SAY. And of course, you’ve already guessed how I plan to turn this site around. Effective immediately, the Avocado is now dedicated, full time, to discussion of the 1989 film Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and the franchise based thereupon. You’re welcome!

Tuesday

Why is nobody talking about Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?!? This is important! I promised the cabal of evildoers I would make this happen, and I do NOT intend to cross the cabal. Have you seen what they’re capable of?

Link to cabal of evildoers member / Honey, I Blew Up the Kid star Keri Russell murdering some dude

So until I have the support of the Avocadongress in implementing these absolutely necessary changes, I am shutting down the Avocado entirely. That’s right, it’s my way or no way! I expect a thorough discussion of the canonicity of defunct Disney attraction Honey, I Shrunk the Audience on my desk by tomorrow morning.

US shutdown bites as federal workers miss payday

Wednesday

THERE IS NO REPORT ON MY DESK. This is just – I’m just – why?! Why does everyone not do what I say all the time? I won! I won the greatest, or at least most recent, election in the history of the cabal of evildoers, in the smokiest of smoke-filled rooms. Here, sit down, let’s talk about it. We’ll work this out. HA! I fooled you, I’m NOT going to sit down and talk about anything, I’m just going to be super-rude and dumb! That’ll show you. Now get to writing comments about Wayne Szalinski and his various malfunctioning resizing devices. Time’s a-wasting, the man is a menace!

Pelosi: Yesterday’s White House meeting was staged so Trump “could walk out”

Thursday

I see we’re still doing this. My entirely lawful orders are being ignored by the very Avocadongress tasked with implementing them, and for no other reason than those orders being ludicrous and not entirely lawful. Plus the Avocadongress says that in fact they DON’T have to implement my orders if they don’t approve them too, which nobody told me about beforehand! Why am I always the last to know these things? This leaves me with no other choice. I declare a state of emergency!

If the Avocado doesn’t rededicate itself to such topics as “the long-term health outcomes of repeated shrink-ray exposure” then so help me, I will send Armycados to our capital in Austin, and we’ll settle this the old-fashioned way! I can do that without receiving any pushback at all from the other institutions of government – I’m sure of it this time!

Trump reasserted his right to build border walls via an emergency declaration, a move that would bypass a deadlocked Congress in which Democrats have blocked any new wall money. But he said he wanted to give lawmakers more time to act and did not offer a timetable for a decision.

Before the shutdown and since, Trump has floated numerous strategies and potential solutions, only to reverse himself within days, hours or minutes — making it unclear whether his stance Friday would hold or for how long.

Friday

WHY IS NONE OF THIS WORKING MY PLAN WAS FLAWLESS

Saturday

Here is a space to talk about politics and stuff this weekend. Mayor McSquirrel rule is in effect. Comment away!