Please? Please will you watch this show with me? It looks weird and I am so confused by everything about it.

The Masked Singer

Based on an international format, and already a viral phenomenon with over half a billion fans worldwide, THE MASKED SINGER features celebrities facing off against one another with one major twist: each singer is shrouded from head to toe in an elaborate costume, complete with full face mask to conceal his or her identity.

With each performance, the host, panelists, audience, viewers and even the other contestants are left guessing who is singing behind the mask. Ranging from Grammy Award winners to legendary athletes, and everything in between, the singers may attempt to throw the crowd off of their scent, while keen observers might pick up on tiny clues buried throughout the show. One singer will be eliminated each week, ultimately revealing his or her true identity. It’s not a “whodunit,” it’s a “whosungit!”

Premieres Wednesday, January 2nd

Starring: Nick Cannon, Jenny McCarthy, Nicole Scherzinger, Ken Jeong, and Robin Thicke

CONS: I mean…come on. This shit looks bonkers. How are they going to keep all this a secret? This isn’t just a one off show type of deal. They’re there until they get voted off. Which means they could be there for 10 weeks. And like…who would do this?  Are they people that we would immediately recognize when that pineapple comes off their head? Are the judges going to be guessing really famous people and then that Lion Peacock reveals themselves to be one of those sparkly Twilight vampires? I know they’ve got Grammy award winners but…come on. Gotye has a Grammy.

What if the Poodle In The Fur Coat is Gotye?

Nah…he’s much more of a Straightjacket Bunny.

PROS: THIS SHIT LOOKS BONKERS.

We have to watch it. What if they actually got big names to dress up like that Demon Tree from Riverdale or the Shiny Hippo? You can’t miss that! I’m so fascinated. Also I once watched an episode of TV where comedians just guessed what was in a dumpster for an hour and it was one of the most suspenseful things I’ve ever seen. This is like that on acid.

Proven Innocent

Focuses on a wrongful conviction firm led by a fierce and fearless female lawyer with a hunger for justice. The team reopens investigations, putting their own lives in danger to exonerate the innocent that were “proven” guilty. The leader’s motivation comes from her infamous past; as a young adult she was found guilty and later exonerated in a high-profile case in which she became a tabloid sensation, household name and national celebrity.  While a hero and a victim to some, her bold and bullish tactics garner her some enemies— one of whom will do anything to see her go down for a crime we know she did not commit. She defends others as she fights to maintain her own innocence.

Starring: Rachelle Lefevre, Russell Hornsby, Nikki M. James, Vincent Kartheiser, Riley Smith, Clare O’Connor, and Kelsey Grammar

Premieres Friday, February 15th

Pros:

Like I said in the Fall Preview, it’s an important subject with a great cast. Russell Hornsby’s coming off a stellar year with The Hate U Give and Creed 2. Nikki James is a Tony winner for Book of Mormon. I enjoy that we’ll have a version of Vincent Kartheiser who isn’t Pete Campbell. But Rachelle Lefevre has been working forever and this is the first time she’s been the undisputed lead of a show. She’s been in everything and is always excellent so this is well deserved. The hook of her going up against the unscrupulous prosecutor who put her away is good. I don’t see why you shouldn’t give it a chance.

Cons:

Oh! I know why I’m probably not gonna give it a chance. I realized like 5 minutes ago that falsely accused narratives really freak me out. Given that this is the conceit for the entire show, as well as the backstory of the main character, that might be a problem for me. That’s an Aoqi thing though. But some of y’all might be real tired of network lawyer procedurals. ABC did a show like this only a year ago starring Hayley Atwell and no one watched. If Agent Carter can’t get us interested is something like this, I’m not sure anyone can.

The Passage

A secret government medical facility is experimenting with a dangerous virus that could either cure all disease or cause the downfall of the human race. The series focuses on 10‐year‐old Amy Bellafonte, who is chosen to be a test subject for this experiment, and Brad Wolgast, the federal agent who becomes her surrogate father as he tries to protect her.

Starring: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Saniyya Sidney, Vincent Piazza, Brianne Howey, Jamie McShane, Caroline Chikezie, Emmanuelle Chriqui

Premieres Monday, January 14th

Pros:

A lot of you love the books this show is based off of. I cannot speak to this because I’ve not read them but I’m excited for y’all. The fact that it has a weird, interesting cast gives me a lot of faith. I also have no idea what this show is going to be about and that’s kind of exciting. Is it about a vampire apocalypse? A “The Fugitive” situation with a badass child/mentor duo? I would watch both of those.

Cons:

I’ll always be reminded that we could be on the third season of Pitch by now, FOX. Mourn. Mourn for the glorious baseball beard on Zack Morris that is gone now.

Rent: Live

The groundbreaking musical is a re-imagining of Puccini’s “La Bohème,” set in New York City’s gritty East Village, which tells the unforgettable story of seven artists struggling to follow their dreams during a time of great social and political turmoil. Writer/composer Jonathan Larson’s tour de force celebrates its 20th anniversary this year, as it continues to offer an inspiring message of hope and friendship.

Starring: Jordan Fisher, Brennin Hunt, Tinashe, Brandon Victor Dixon, Valentina. Vanessa Hudgens, Kiersey Clemmons, Mario, and Keala Settle

Airs Sunday, January 27th

Cons: Okay. So in the last couple of years, a huge backlash has grown against Rent for what are very valid reasons. I won’t get into them here but the main thing seems to be that the show has aged quite badly since the 90s (There’s a Lindsay Ellis video on Rent that I haven’t watched because I don’t want to hate this show. I heard it’s good though). I personally get through all the problems by viewing the show as a period piece but if that doesn’t work for you, I understand. There’s also the fact that this production of Rent is airing on FOX. Ya know, the people who couldn’t say pussy wagon during Greased Lightning? Contact’s gone for sure right? I’m very nervous for the live version NBC is doing of Hair btw.

Pros:

Whatever you think of the musical, the music itself is still fantastic (This statement does not apply to Your Eyes because fuck your boring magnum opus, Roger.) And the idea of that music being sung by this cast? Researching this, I realized that we’re gonna see Jordan Fisher and Kiersey Clemmons do Tango: Maureen. Valentina (as in “You’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista” Valentina) most likely slaying Today 4 U. The very idea of Brandon Victor Dixon singing the reprise to I’ll Cover You sends chills down my spine. Y’all remember Glitter Judas right?

Look. FOX pretty much set the standard for these things with Grease Live. If you love it (and there are a lot of people out there who do), you get to see a version of Rent with a great cast. If you hate it, you get to hang out with thousands of like minded individuals picking apart the story in real time. If we’re being honest, half the fun of these things is the live-blog/tweet/post. Oh…that reminds me. Many of us have had our Valentina lip-sync jokes ready since she was announced and that will not change now that she’s doing well on All-Stars. So join us (or don’t) for what should be an interesting experience.

But also please watch The Masked Singer with me.

It looks so dumb.

Please.