Muppet Casting: Alien(s)

It’s time for another round of Muppet Casting, where we take a famous movie and ask, if Jim Henson’s Muppets made their own version of it (in the vein of The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island), which Muppets would you cast in the lead roles?

It’s the spookiest time of the year, everyone! In honor of Halloween, all the month of October we’re going to be Muppet Casting scaaaaaaary movies. This week, we kick it off with a double feature: Ridley Scott’s Alien and James Cameron’s Aliens!

 

Miss Piggy as Ripley – This role couldn’t go to anyone else. The Muppets don’t exactly have a wide roster of female characters, and ones who are also badass leading ladies? Miss Piggy is the only option. Besides, with her in the role, you can turn the Nostromo into the U.S.S. Swine Trek from Pigs in Space. Which means the next casting must be . . .

Link Hogthrob as Captain Dallas – It continues the Pigs in Space casting for the Nostromo, and Link’s self-centered uselessness would be a good way to portray Dallas, who consistently fails to do anything useful to protect his crew, all while insisting that he’s still in charge.

Dr. Julius Strangepork as Ash – Rounding out the Pigs in Space ensemble, we have a science officer for a science officer. These two aren’t quite matches personality-wise, but the way Strangepork, despite supposedly being the smart one, was a constant enabler for Link’s shoddy captainship, fits with how Ash is a Company assigned saboteur on their own mission.

Fill out the rest of the Nostromo with some random pig Muppets, then jump 57 years into the future (uh. . . further into the future) for the sequel. Starting with . . .

Kermit the Frog as Burke – Despite being from the Company, Burke needs to seem like a polite, friendly, helpful guy who’s on Ripley’s side at first. Who’s the Muppet people are going to trust the most, the absolute last one who’d secretly be planning to kill dozens of people? Put Kermit in the role, and even if people have seen Aliens before and know about the Burke reveal, they’ll still probably believe he couldn’t possibly be the bad guy, which is what makes it such a good twist.

Fozzie Bear as Gorman – The inexperienced and incompetent commanding officer of the Space Marines. Putting Fozzie in the role lets you know right away that this guy, while he undoubtedly means the best, is not someone you want in charge of a life-or-death mission.

Dr. Teeth as Apone – The Space Marines are depicted as wildly unprofessional and unprepared for what they’re about to face, treating it more like a game than the serious situation it is. I figure, what better way to convey that with Muppets than by making the squad leader, and most of the squad, the Electric Mayhem band, acting like they’re on their way to play a rowdy concert?

Rizzo the Rat as Hudson – If you don’t remember Hudson by name, he’s the guy who shouts, “Game over, man! Game over!” I think his mix of wisecracking when things are going well, and freaking right the hell out when things go bad, is right up Rizzo’s alley.

Angel Marie as Vasquez – I thought long and hard about who should play Vasquez. It didn’t seem like there was any Muppet who could properly pull off a butchass woman like her. I was on the edge of giving her role to a human guest star (the obvious choice would be Michelle Rodriguez; the funnier choice, Zooey Deschanel). But then I remembered the “Roll Call” scene from Muppet Treasure Island, and how, after the memorable appearance of Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O’Brien, we were introduced to the final member of Long John Silver’s pirate crew, a pug-ugly scallywag by the name of Angel Marie. Not the highest profile Muppet you could go with, true, but Vasquez (and most of the Space Marines, for that matter) seem like they’d be right at home with “the seediest bunch of villains, cutthroats, and scoundrels I have ever seen”.

Rowlf the Dog as Bishop – The most calm, helpful, and level-headed of the crew, Rowlf seems like the only Muppet with the right disposition to play Bishop.

Robin as Newt – Newt is an adorable little moppet. Was there really any other choice?

and, playing the titular Alien itself . . .

Our Very Special Guest, Ms. Sigourney Weaver! – Bringing Sigourney Weaver back to the Alien franchise by having her wear a cheap Halloween costume of the Xenomorph, and running around terrorizing a bunch of Muppets . . . tell me that’s not worth price of admission?

 

Those are my picks for a Muppet rendition of Alien and Aliens. What are yours?