Savage Lovecast

Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of June 5.  Coincidentally, this is episode number 606 of the Lovecast.  Happy Pride to everyone!  Let’s get to it.

You can listen to this week’s episode here and read this week’s Savage Love column here.

Dan’s opening rant, as you might expect, is about the Masterpiece Cakeshop decision.  (As a lawyer, by the way, I am terrified at how Dan will interpret this case.)  The Supreme Court handed down a win for the baker, but only on the narrow ground that the baker was subjected to anti-religious animus in the administrative proceeding and therefore was not given a fair hearing.  Dan pivots from here to the importance of justices, especially at this point in time.  A lot of conservatives lined up behind Trump in the election to get their judges, and are consoling themselves with Trump now by saying, “But Gorsuch.”  The next time your friend on the left says Clinton would have done the same thing as Trump, point squarely at the Supreme Court.

On to the calls!  A 28-year-old straight woman had a messy breakup with her ex.  A year in, he told her he wasn’t ready for the long haul, so she dumped him.  He keeps trying to get back together with her, and she’d eventually like to be friends with him, but he’s said that he wouldn’t be content with being friends.  Lately, she’s been thinking about him a lot and wants to get back in touch.  Is that a terrible idea?  Dan says not necessarily.  She broke up with him because he wasn’t ready, and he seems to be ready now. This is a drama-filled relationship, but she can give it a shot.

A 21-year-old bi virgin woman in a 1.5 year relationship with a man has also never orgasmed, either by herself or with him.  Should she stay calm or panic?  Dan shoots down the reasons she gave for being a virgin (no unwanted pregnancy and so on) but supports her choice.  She should, however, examine why she doesn’t want vaginal intercourse.  And despite the fact that she calls herself a virgin, she’s still being sexual.  Dan then argues that men and boys have a head start on masturbation and self-pleasure that some girls don’t have, so the fact that our caller hasn’t tapped into her own orgasmic potential yet is not all that unusual.  Give yourself a break.

A 24-year-old woman has a 19-year-old friend who is pregnant and said abortion is not an option.  Should she give her “guidance”?  Dan would ask why abortion is not an option for this person.  If it comes out that the friend has misconceptions about what abortions entail and who gets them, now’s your chance to set her straight.  The friend may be giving you permission to reassure her that she actually has the choice.  You can explain to her why abortion is the choice you did make or would make.

A 50-year-old straight man has a long-distance 40-year-old girlfriend.  When they see each other every 2 to 3 months, they have sex every 3 or 4 hours.  By day 3, she gets really sore, and is really in pain by day 7.  Anything they can do to prevent this?  She is really naturally wet.  She also wants to peg him every few hours so he knows how it feels.  That’s not the same, right?  Dan says our caller should absolutely get fucked in the ass every few hours in a week and see how it feels.  Not that anyone should engage in revenge pegging.  The real subtext in the request is to mix up a few things in there besides PIV.

A woman went into her 15-year-old son’s room and found tobacco, vapes, and a “portable pussy” and a cock ring.  Where is he getting this?  Does she say something?  Dan idly wonders if all pussies aren’t portable.  Talk to him about the tobacco and vapes, but leave the sex toys alone.  He probably got them from Amazon.

A woman was in a heteronormative relationship for 3 years, and she broke up with him because he lied about his sobriety.  It’s been 4 months now, and he seems to be sober again.  They have reconnected sexually, and it’s now a sexual dom/sub relationship.  Is this wrong?  Assuming he’s not lying about his sobriety, Dan says, go for it.  If you do continue to see this guy, take small steps with a long engagement.  And if your friends and family are telling you no, take a listen to what they have to say.

A 29-year-old gay guy is 3 years sober.  Where does he build a community outside of the bar scene?  Dan says there are plenty of gay organizations and clubs.  Get out there.

A 30-year-old straight woman is in an open relationship with her male partner of 12 years.  She’s never had an orgasm from receiving oral sex and has never really enjoyed it.  She gets really concerned that whoever is going down on her must be miserable and hating every second of it.  Her partner also has no confidence in his own ability to eat her out.  What can she do?  Dan says our caller, like everyone, is allowed to have her preferences.  But in this case, he’d push back because the reason she gave is one of anxiety, not of not getting pleasure.  There are lots of guys who looooooooove eating pussy (Jay voice).

A gay man calls about his friend, a trans man.  The friend likes to date straight cis women without telling them he’s a trans man until 2 or 3 months in, when they’ve fallen in love with him.  Is this a good idea?  Dan brings on Evan Urquhart, a trans guy and writer, to help answer this.  Evan thinks this is not a good idea, and Dan piggybacks and says that it plays off an old stereotype that trans people are inherently unlovable for who they are.  Definitely disclose before sex.  But waiting 3 months is way too long and a deception.

Evan stays on to take another question.  A woman comes if, while her boyfriend is going down on her, she imagines him sucking her nonexistent dick.  She’s not trans, so what’s going on?  Evan says that trans people can start with this kind of fantasy and use it to explore other parts of themselves outside the bedroom.  Dan thinks that it could be internalized vaginaphobia, that our caller has it ingrained that dicks are for sucking and that pussies aren’t entitled to oral pleasure.  I see where Dan’s coming from, but I don’t buy it.  I think there’s also something transgressive about it that makes it hot for our caller.

A 35-year-old man is the father of a newborn.  As a recent listener, he’s finally gotten to courage to talk to his wife about possibly opening up the relationship.  She is also opening up in her own way, and they are talking about toys and fantasies.  He is the only man she’s ever been with and she was raised in a religious background.  He wants her to admit that she wants to fuck other people, just like he does, but he’s afraid that if they open things up, she will leave him.  He thinks she might be interested in going to, but not doing anything at, a sex club, so how can he ask?  Also he has a sneaking suspicion that she wasn’t really a virgin when they met and wonders if he should keep asking about it, and maybe she does want to be with someone else.  I get bad vibes from this guy.  Dan says if our caller was a longtime listener, he’d know that the absolute wrong time to open up a relationship, or even to talk about it, is with a newborn at home.  People need to know at that moment that things are on a firm foundation.  Dan focuses on the positives and says that our caller should continue with the progress they’ve made on the discussions about sex that they’ve had.  But be prepared to hear no when you do get into that conversation later.

A woman wants to know what to do when your partner has a ton of shit.  Specifically, she wants to recycle his motorcycle magazines when he’s out of town, and she’s done it once already.  Dan is a pack rat, NOT A HOARDER.  He would be very upset if someone threw out his stuff without asking.  She needs to go to the guy and have a conversation.  He will need to demonstrate that he can throw some things away.

Last weekend, a woman was asked by her father (married 40 years) to lie and say it was her earring in the hot tub if mom asks.  She told dad that she didn’t want to get in the middle of it.  Dad told her not to worry, that it was all a big misunderstanding, but now our caller feels like she has a secret.  What does she do with this?  Dan says that sometimes people, even your parents, make accommodations in their relationships.  Sometimes people do what they have to do to stay married and stay sane and the other partner suspends their disbelief and allows them to do so and appreciate the discretion.  That might be what’s going on here.  Our caller got put in a bad position by dad, but she should stuff it down the memory hole.  Once you start pulling threads, you may find out everything about the marriage.

Caller feedback!  Log your brother off your mom’s computer yourself.  There’s a history of lesbians who don’t see trans men who haven’t gotten bottom surgery as actually butch women, and that sucks.  A latex mattress with a good frame is quiet.

Finally, some exciting news.  Dan is working on a new project with some documentary filmmakers involving real couples therapy with real couples.  If you are interested in getting free therapy, being featured, and live in the New York City area, go to

Thanks for reading.

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