Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of March 6. With spring just around the corner, it’s time to think of cleaning out the old to get ready for a fresh start. What sex or relationship ideas are you planning on cleaning out this year?
You can listen to this week’s episode here.
Dan’s opening rant this week is about politicians in trouble. He starts with the arrest of Missouri governor Eric Greitens, who was led away in handcuffs on a charge of invasion of privacy. The charge stems from the time he was having an affair with a married woman, bound her to exercise equipment in his basement, took photos of her without her permission, and tried to blackmail her with them. Somehow, Republicans are blaming this on George Soros, because of course they are. Meanwhile, in Australia, a “family values” candidate, Barnaby Joyce, resigned because he had an affair with a campaign aide and got her pregnant. Joyce, it will not surprise you to know, was against the marriage equality measure that passed last week. Meanwhile, a Utah state rep who backed increased penalties for sex work, resigned after being caught with prostitutes. Dan isn’t amazed by the hypocrisy, but he is amazed that none of the three “family values” candidates were caught in a gay sex scandal.
On to the calls! A late-20s queer human became a live-in third for an older male-female couple. Our caller realized that he wasn’t into the woman in the couple, so he broke off the sexual arrangement with them, but he continued to live in their house. The caller describes the relationship now as three best friends, two of whom support the third. Now our caller is trying to get a creative career off the ground and is not even contributing much companionship or housework. Is our caller abusing his hosts? Like it or not, Dan says, you’ve become a leech. Move out as soon as you can. This kind of arrangement is only going to lead to resentment.
A man is struggling with the Madonna-whore complex. How does he deprogram? Dan suggests therapy. The DIY approach is to acknowledge and take to heart that people, including women, are complex. The whole Madonna thing, Dan asserts, is based on a fundamental myth of virgin birth. Dan thinks the source of the complex is equal parts misogyny and self-loathing. The key to defeating it is acknowledging that women can be both loved and admired and worthy of your sexual attention.
A queer 28-year-old woman’s girlfriend’s sister is recently single and on Bumble. Our caller was doing some swiping for the sister when she came upon a cute black guy. The sister said, “No black guys” – she doesn’t think they are attractive. Is this racist? Dan says it’s probably racist, but that does not mean that the sister is obligated to sleep with people she doesn’t find attractive. It is important to examine why we find certain types of people unattractive – is it us, or is it the culture? Dan says it’s more fun to sleep with more and different types of people.
A 47-year-old woman is getting married soon to the man of her dreams. They enjoy a kinky sex life and she works at the local BDSM store two nights a week. No one at her job or in her family knows she works there. She wants to invite the staff to the wedding. They all have edgy looks, and although she trusts them, they might spill the beans. Should she invite them? Dan says invite whoever the fuck you want. I totally agree. She’s a grown-ass woman, for Christ’s sake. If she really wants to lie to her folks about who these people are, say they’re baristas she works with.
A woman asserts that banning guns will not prevent gun violence. A ban will only take guns away from responsible gun owners, and people who want to commit crimes will still be able to get their hands on guns. Gun-free zones have never prevented a shooting. She compares banning guns to banning drugs, which has been largely ineffective. She wants to hear Dan’s response. Dan points out the stringent requirements for gun ownership in Japan, which had only eleven gun deaths last year. Easy access to guns is a huge part of the problem. Dan thinks the “only bad guys will have guns” argument against imposing stricter gun control are akin to arguments against criminalizing drunk driving. The controls that Dan is talking about include: stricter background checks, including disqualification for anyone convicted of domestic violence; closing the gun-show loophole; requiring training; and requiring safer storage of guns and ammo. Dan once again reiterates his position that responsible gun owners should be leading the charge on gun control to make it harder for irresponsible gun owners to get their hands on guns. If gun control is so ineffective, how, Dan asks, are criminals not getting AR-15s in Australia (no mass shootings since 1996) or Japan?
A 40-year-old bi partnered woman has been trying to have a baby with her boyfriend for the last year and a half, with no success. She’s had a couple miscarriages and a couple of chemical abortions. Sex has become a huge chore, and for the first time in her life, our caller dreads sex and intimacy. How can she make it more fun? And if they do have a kid, or stop trying to get pregnant, can they ever get back to the fun kinky sex they used to have? Dan brings on Nancy Hartunian, who unfortunately has firsthand experience with this. Nancy had nine miscarriages. Nancy advises the caller to stop having sex every other day – there are only four or five days a month when you are able to conceive, so find a tracker and get on that. Procreative sex might not be that much fun, and our caller will have to accept that. But once that period ends, and it will end, the sex drive will come roaring back. Dan suggests acknowledging that the sex right now is not going to be that great, but don’t let it color your experience with all kinds of sex. Dan also suggests smoking pot. Nancy, now a pot smoker, did not do this during her times trying to get pregnant because it’s tough to figure out when you’re actually pregnant, and pregnant women should not smoke pot, as a rule.
A 29-year-old bi man has been seeing a woman for about four months, and everything is great, except she’s a terrible kisser. Imagine someone putting their face on your face and doing nothing. Does she actually like this? Our caller has been trying to be subtle, but she’s not taking the hints. What should he do? Dan says this is the right time to be forthright with her about this. Don’t think of it as criticism; think of it as engagement. Lead off with all the reassurances and then go, “There’s a way I like to be kissed, and this is how.” Dan doesn’t say this, but I believe our friends the McElroy brothers would agree that, at four months, you gotta risk it for the biscuit.
Dan has a guest, Emily Best, co-creator of F*ck Yes, a series of short films with the aim of showing that getting enthusiastic affirmative consent is sexy. The point of the films is to use the medium to reestablish the narrative that talking about what you want is not sexy or desirable. Bottom line: use your words, it’s sexy.
A bi poly woman is friends with two bi poly married people. Their friendship was platonic, but it recently turned physical. Our caller wanted the possibility of a relationship. After a month, they reiterated that this was a friends with benefits situation, and it would stay that way. That’s not what our caller wanted, so she took a step back. Now they’re upset that our caller ruined a good thing. What’s going on? Dan thinks the couple is playing head games and guilt-tripping on the way out the door. That’s bullshit.
Caller feedback! Don’t worry about the title of virgin and focus on asking for what you really want and what feels right. $400 is not that much for an escort, and a sex worker is a little insulted that people would think that price is exorbitant. If the guy you’re dating only talks about himself, let him – then when he wants to hook up, tell him that you’re afraid that he’ll be way too selfish.
Thanks for reading.