Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of February 13. It’s Valentine’s Day on Wednesday, which of course is derided and celebrated by everyone. What is your opinion of the holiday? What are your plans for it? And is it necessary to have a day devoted to public proclamations of love? I see both sides of this, so I’m interested in your thoughts.
You can listen to this week’s episode here.
This episode is the mighty 590 – which is a ton of episodes. Dan’s opening rant this week is about Adam Rippon (Scranton native, home of the Mighty 590 WARM) and Mike Pence. Rippon, as you know, is the awesome hot gay ice skater who is killing it representing Team USA at the Olympics. Pence, as you also know, is the current vice president who has made his career discriminating against LGBTQ people in every way it is possible to do so (including insisting that money earmarked for HIV/AIDS education and prevention do to conversion therapy). Rippon refused to meet with Pence before the Olympics, and Pence threw an absolute fit about it. Dan calls Rippon “the Olympic hero the gay community has been waiting for,” comparing Rippon’s actions to the Black Power salute by John Carlos and Tommy Smith at the 1968 Summer Olympics. Dan also suggests that you follow Rippon on Instagram, if you’re into the whole shirtless athletic guys thing.
On to the calls! A cultural Catholic wants to know if evangelicals’ willingness to forgive Trump for his sexual peccadilloes means that they will soften on moral issues. Dan thinks this is just an example of Republican hypocrisy. There will be no benefit from Trump’s time in office.
A woman wants to know how to turn down a couple who will probably proposition her and her partner for a four-way. Dan says it’s only polite to wait until the hitting on actually happens before turning them down. If you really want to turn them down pre-emptively, you can just drop that you’re monogamous.
A mom was toy shopping with her two young daughters when she saw a 50-something man dressed as a baby doll. Is this appropriate? What does she tell her children? Kids understand playing dress-up, says Dan, and they don’t need to know that it’s sexual in nature.
A man has a problem with monogamous relationships. He doesn’t cheat, but (I’m inferring here) he sabotages his relationships to get out of them so he can sleep with other people, who are usually less attractive than the person he was with. How can he get over this? Dr. Dan diagnoses the problem as incompatibility with monogamy.
A 23-year-old bi-curious genderfluid male-presenting and his fiancée have an open relationship. But our caller is the only one who has really acted on this openness. The fiancée is concerned, as a small woman, about the safety and general ickiness of hooking up with randos. The problem is that one of their rules, that they agreed on together, is that they are open, not poly, and they present monogamous romantically. Our caller wants to help the fiancée, but she isn’t accepting the help he’s offering to make things safer. What can the caller do to make the fiancée more comfortable sleeping with other people? Dan calls back and challenges the caller. The caller, according to Dan, is trying to make the fiancée more comfortable with sex that makes her uncomfortable. It’s not quite that simple, argues the caller, because both parties agreed to the no emotional component rule. Chastened, Dan suggests two different sets of rules to account for the difference in security felt by each person. The imbalance in sex isn’t itself a bad thing, as long as each person is content.
A 29-year-old woman gets a weird vibe from her mom’s boyfriend. He PayPals her money randomly, invites her over to a rented house without her mom, and is generally weird. Dan says trust your gut on this one. This seems like hitting on her with a patina of deniability. Establish clear boundaries with this guy.
A gay man has been with a man for a couple of months. This man is wonderful, but is homeless. He also has a problem with crystal meth. Our caller thinks their connection is wonderful, but this man will lie about where he is staying and how much he is using. How can our caller approach this? Dan thinks anyone who is using meth, whether or not they are lying about it, is not in good working order. Dan advises the caller to break things off romantically and help get this guy the help he needs. If the guy picks meth over the caller, the caller can confidently cut off contact.
Time for What You Got, the segment where Dan invites a scientist to talk about a recent study they did. Dan’s guest this time is Justin Lehmiller at the Kinsey Institute, who had just published a study about gay men’s cuckolding fantasies. The gay cuckolding fantasies, by and large, were less focused on BDSM, less interracially charged, and less big dick-centered than straight men’s cuckolding fantasies. Lehmiller thinks that straight men wrap a lot of different taboos into one, and those taboos are not as prevalent in the gay community. Dan is actually credited as a coauthor on this study, for helping find cuckolds who would be interviewed for it.
A 24-year-old gayish trans guy has been seeing a man for seven weeks. They have passionate tear each other’s clothes off sex, but he’s 44. Our caller is typically attracted to much older men, but this is the first time that he’s been involved with someone who could potentially be a partner with him. What’s wrong with the guy that he would want to be involved with a 24-year-old? And how can our caller make his mom okay with this? Dan points out that our caller went against what other people told him about gender identity and sexual orientation – why not do it for age gaps too? There are lots of examples of queer and other relationships with 20ish year age gaps. Just because there are legitimate concerns with older people taking advantage of younger people in lopsided relationships is no reason to throw out those relationships completely. Keep your guard, but let things play out. I agree with Dan on this one.
A 28-year-old straight cis woman has alopecia, which caused all the hair to fall off her body. She has tattooed eyebrows, no eyelashes, and a wig 95% of the time in public. When does she tell someone she’s interested in about her condition? Dan calls back and points out some men fantasize bald women. She hasn’t met any of them yet, and she’s put a bald pic in her profile. Her dream is to be on a first date with someone, pull off her hair, and for him to say, “I wanna date you, not your hair.” That’s pretty romantic, says Dan, but unrealistic. He suggests a sort of two-pronged approach: delay a bit when meeting people in real life, when she’d be wearing her wig, but set up a dating profile or two where you are upfront about it. Dan thinks she should lean toward disclosing earlier, in the hopes of attracting the bald fetishist.
A 33-year-old bi man had found a 100% sexually compatible woman, but he’s moving a thousand miles away in a couple months, and he’s told her so. Is it fair to keep her on the hook? Dan says that he told her, and she wants to continue with things, so everything’s copacetic. Short-term relationships are a thing, and they can be great.
Caller feedback! Smokers should try a nicotine patch. People should wear different colored ribbons or flowers at your sex party to signify what everyone is into. If you come too quickly from anal, just grab the vibrator.
Thanks for reading.