The pygmy loxodonta cyclotis, better known as the weenie African forest elephant, is in need of your help today. The weenie African forest elephants are known for their large ears, short legs, and propensity to get drunk off of the fermented juices of the marula plant. Now you may wonder “what can I, what can a person like myself do to help these pygmy elephants?” They are rarely seen in the wild. Hell, Sir David Attenborough camped out in the forests of Gabon for nine years, only to catch a single glimpse of one of these elephants while he was behind his trailer taking a leak. But you can do something! You can adopt one!

You see, the weenie African forest elephant make for great pets. They are fantastic cuddlers, and they even know how to use the toilet! They make excellent guard elephants and they even know how to play soccer. Just look at that little guy. Doesn’t that bring a tear to your bloodshot eye?

So please, for the love of all that’s holy, adopt one of these fuckers. The weenie African forest elephant needs you and your love! They have a lifespan of 15-150 years, and possess the temperament of a golden retriever. (They also need help detoxing from all of that fermented marula juice they’ve been drinking.) Bring one to your home, let him paint and sculpt for you, and you’ll be the most giving, thoughtful person on the block.