A squabbling gay couple (Windham Beacham & David Alanson Bradberry) hitch a ride with a bi-curious trucker (Benjamin Lutz). He’s transporting five coffins. When the truck breaks down the cargo wakes up. The idiot protagonists are fond of investigating strange noises. Much of the humor comes from their lack of reaction to the carnage around them. Writer and Director Mark Bessenger provides Bite Marks with some genuinely funny lines. But the low-budget film couldn’t afford a fight choreographer. The slapstick action finale disappoints. Still, it’s nice to see gay men perform action hero beats.

Let’s discuss in this spoiler filled recap.

Just Keep Truckin’ On

Prologue
STEPHEN GEOFFREYS: I played a gay-coded vampire in Fright Night so they’ve given me a cameo. I get to drive this truck full of coffins to a funeral home. What’s that noise?
(Stephen opens the back of the truck and is dragged inside. Whimsical opening credits ensue.)

Scene One: Stephen Geoffrey’s Bedroom
(Stephen’s wife is having sex with his brother Trucker.)
DIRECTOR: Roll down your underwear. We want to see two thirds of your buttocks and no more.
TRUCKER: This is awkward. Couldn’t I just…
DIRECTOR: NOT ONE THIRD MORE!
TELEPHONE: Trucker, your brother missed his shift. Drive his coffins to the funeral home.
TRUCKER: But what about Chekhov’s Condition?

Scene Two: Hitchhikers
BRAINY: I love you.
TRAMPY: Me too.
BRAINY: You still can’t say it. This trip was supposed to bring us closer together.
TRAMPY: Boring. Let’s hitchhike to the next town.
TRUCKER: Hop in boys. I’m going to the funeral home on my GPS.

Scene Three: Truck Stop Restroom
TRAMPY: Let’s have sex in the bathroom stall. I’ll even take my underwear off.
BRAINY: Will the director approve?
(Trucker walks in on them.)
TRUCKER: I hope this doesn’t awaken something in me.

Scene Four: Junkyard
TRUCKER: This ain’t a funeral home. It’s the Southern Indiana Recycling… junkyard. Why’d the GPS lead us here?
SCRAPYARD OWNER: Cuz we’ll let you film here for free. Sounds like your axel just broke. I’ll call a mechanic.
(Five buff shirtless men hop out the back of the truck and attack the Scrapyard Owner.)
VAMPIRES: Pop. Six. Squish.
BRAINY: Uh-uh.
TRAMPY: Are those fast zombies like the Dawn of the Dead remake? Or vampires like From Dusk Till Dawn?
BRAINY: Will our lack of emotional response to this violence make us seem callous?
TRAMPY: Yes. I’m going to film this for YouTube.
(Trampy accidentally flashes his phone camera light. Trucker has a seizure.)
BRAINY: Chekhov’s Condition is epilepsy! Get him to the truck.

Scene Five: The Truck
BRAINY: Let’s nap till dawn. (Falls asleep.)
TRAMPY: How about a blow job?
TRUCKER: I ain’t queer. But okay.
DIRECTOR: Look at the roof and moan for three minutes. Intimacy coordinators aren’t a thing yet.
BRAINY: You’re lucky that I’m a sound sleeper.

Scene Six: Bad Ideas
MECHANIC: You called for a repair, lady? Ow! She bit me!
BRAINY: We see five men. But there’s only one lady in the mirror.
TRUCKER: “Chickula’s diddling with our mind knobs!” Let’s split up and look for a cell signal.
BRAINY: That’s stupid. What happened to wait till dawn?
STEPHEN GEOFFREYS: You’re so cool little brother. And bi? (Trucker beheads Stephen. Chickula bites Trucker.)
CHICKULA: I have no lines. Because God forbid a woman speak.

Scene Seven: Finale
TRAMPY: This recap’s too long. Let’s fast forward.
(Trampy and Brainy clumsily kill the bite-victim vampires. Then drop a crane on Chickula.)
TRUCKER: I’m a vampire now, Trampy. “I’m gonna f*** you, then I’m gonna drain your blood, then I’m gonna f*** ya again!”
TRAMPY: Hot. If I had empathy, I’d feel sorry for you. Am I a sociopath?
BRAINY: Chekhov’s condition!
(Brainy flashes lights at Trucker. The sun rises and they… tear Trucker’s arms off? He dies.)
BRAINY: I love you Trampy.
TRAMPY: Me too.
(Brainy throws a severed arm at Trampy. Cut to credits.)

THE END

Character Arcs? Who needs ‘em?

I’m realizing I skipped the scene where a man drinks holy water and pees on a vampire.

Mark Bessenger’s script was originally written for a straight couple. Swapping them for gay men was a smart way to make their film stand out. Now Bite Marks lives on in the gay horror canon.

Mark Bessenger faced many difficulties while making the film. Rain delayed shooting. The recycling center owner wouldn’t let him light a blazing fire for the finale. An actor’s agent wouldn’t allow him to cast porn stars as the vampires. But every artistic endeavor is a miracle. And Bite Marks got made. The film received negative reviews from critics and audiences. But I appreciate a gay horror comedy that lets the LGBT characters survive… Except the poor Trucker.

You can read more of my reviews on The Avocado, Letterboxd and Serializd. My podcast, Rainbow Colored Glasses, can be found here.