IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER FROM CHRIS HANSEN: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT BY “SCRAT” IS SO DETACHED FROM REALITY. ANYTHING HE SAYS HERE ABOUT THE MOVIE PRIMETIME AND/OR CHRIS HANSEN (ME) SHOULD BE TAKEN WITH A GRAIN OF SALT SO TINY, IT MIGHT BE MISTAKEN FOR HOW THICK MY SKIN IS. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING “SCRAT” (NOT HIS LEGAL NAME, BY THE WAY) SAYS ABOUT CHRIS HANSEN (ME) AND/OR THE MOVIE PRIMETIME. OF COURSE, YOU SHOULDN’T BELIEVE ANYTHING IN THAT “SCIENCE FICTION” MOVIE EITHER. FUCK YOU, EDWARD CULLEN. FUCK YOU, “SCRAT”! I AM CONSIDERING LEGAL ACTION. IN THE MEANTIME, TRUST ONLY IN CHRIS HANSEN (ME).

Hello, lovely people. Did you miss me last weekend? Actually, wait, don’t answer that.

Our number one movie–for the first time since 2019–is Avengers: Endgame. Yup. If anyone tries to tell you audiences aren’t excited for Doomsday, don’t believe them. This glorified commercial for the December mega-tentpole scored the second-best opening ever for a rerelease, behind only the 1997 reissue of Star Wars. You guys really enjoy having your hearts ripped out from your chests, huh? For those keeping score, Endgame’s stateside total has now risen to $884 million.

Iron Man’s last stand (I’M STILL NOT OVER IT!!!) dethroned last weekend’s champion, the Resident Evil reboot which incidentally is now the best-reviewed video game movie of all time (sorry, Sonic the Hedgehog 3). It has now become the first in the franchise to pass $100 million in the states. No small accomplishment when you consider that 2021’s Welcome to Raccoon City crashed and burned so quickly that no one even noticed. Seriously, who knew that audiences wouldn’t flock to a film about an unstoppable virus as the world was still recovering from a global pandemic? Also, I miss Alice.

As for our true “new” new movies, Heart of the Beast (which for months I mistook for Whalefall) and Primetime are both virtually tied, however the dog currently has the edge over Chris Hansen. Primetime actually falls below some more bullish expectations that it had in the $25-$30 million range, with some even thinking it could take the top spot this weekend. Imagine thinking Chris Hansen could be any match for Iron Man, a dog, or zombies in the snow. Wait, he’s not reading this, is he?

Unfortunately our “biggest” story of the week might be our lone flop Forgotten Island, the latest from DreamWorks Animation. Universal had faith in this one by previewing a rough cut at CinemaCon and holding an advance screening at SDCC. Critics were big fans of this one, so what went wrong? Well…let’s be real, this was always going to be a tough sell. Its target audience appears to be teenagers (who aren’t showing up), and the animation style–which may work great in the actual film–can come across as very “loud” (if that makes sense?) in marketing. Regardless, Forgotten Island had one of the worst openings for any DreamWorks release with only $12 million, and that number becomes worse when you consider it includes “Monday Mystery Screenings” and sneak previews from last week. I’m sure people will try to blame studio heads for fumbling the ball here, but I’m not sure what else they could’ve done.

Not that we should really shed any tears for Universal since The Odyssey is still in the top ten (thank those IMAX screens), and they have grossed $5 billion globally for all of their releases so far this year. And speaking of big movies, Spider-Man: Brand New Day has now made $950 million in the states. Absolutely bonkers stuff. Too bad Warner Bros. can’t say the same for the MILF Manor spin-off Practical Magic 2.

Anyway, the top ten, via The Numbers