It’s my birthday. 39 years of Scrat. 39 years of Stitch. 39 years of the unholy abomination I became when I decided to merge Scrat and Stitch together as one singular sentient entity and became ScratStitch. 39 years of laughs, tears, screams, and cringe. But mostly cringe.

Now here’s a lonely confession: I’ve never had a traditional “birthday party.” Oh, I have cake. But I’ve never invited friends and family over or anything like that. Not even as a kid. The curse of being homeschooled. The closest I guess was when my babysitter came over when I turned four and gave me a sweet “Stack ‘n Pop Humpty Dumpty” toy from Playskool. Boy oh boy did I ever send poor Humpty popping off that wall. Good times. For me at least. Maybe not for Humpty. But I did always put him back together again, because I was smarter than a king’s horse and a king’s man.

But that’s all beside the point. I want to socialize on my birthday in situations that don’t involve my babysitter. I want to have one of those quasi-expensive parties at a public place. Let’s say…McDonald’s? Sure, why not? After all, there’s one close by. Now I just need to find some friends to invite. Uh oh. There’s already a problem there. I’m one of those super socialized people with so many “real life” friends that I can’t think of any to invite. Yup. That’s the reason. Maybe I could throw a party of one. A “Me Party” if you will. Does McDonald’s offer those? I suppose I’ll have to call and find out. “Hello, Ronald, I would like to reserve half the restaurant for myself for a birthday party today. Is that doable? Ronald? Hello? Shit, I think I called the Burger King instead. No, Mr. King. It’s my fault. I dialed the wrong number. Oh God…are you crying? Oh right. You were fired very publicly. That…wasn’t cool. I’m sorry. Look, it’s gonna be okay. There are other job opportunities for creepy kings. I’m sure you could be in a mascot horror film? There’s a big demand for that these…wait, actually, would you like you to come to my birthday party? You would? AWESOME! Uh…I mean…awesome. You know. If you have nothing else to do. So, the party is going to take place at McDonald’s and…wait, hello? Fuck, he hung up.”

Have the power today, y’all. Be safe, be well, be you. Also, I’m one year away from The 40-Year-Old Virgin becoming my biopic, soooo…yeah, I might need to get laid.