Ahoy, mateys! Are ya up for using yer pencils and paper and putting them to good use? Well, set sail with…actually, no, I’m not doing this bit as the pirate.

Greetings, artists. I am a header writer. And an architect. I am a fucking architect! It’s not my fault that…well, anyway. Sorry about that. Look, let me start over. I’m an architect and I have a drawing proposal that I am willing to pay you, the potential artist, money for. Sounds good, right? I’ll even leave ya a little tip, just to show my appreciation.

DRAWING COMMISSION: DRAW A DOG WITHOUT HAVING SEEN A DOG BEFORE

Alright, so this has very few requirements, really. You don’t need any artistic experience. Well, you need to be able to use a pencil. And paper. That’s kind of important. It can be a marker. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m flexible. A very flexible architect. But here is the important part: YOU CAN’T HAVE SEEN A DOG BEFORE! There must be some of you who don’t know what a dog looks like, right? All you cat people? You’ve probably never seen a dog before, right?

IF AND ONLY IF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A DOG BEFORE, I WILL SEND THE DETAILS TO YOU, DESCRIBING A DOG. AND THEN YOU WILL DRAW ONE, ACCORDING TO MY DIRECTIONS ALONE. YOU MAY NOT GET HELP OR LOOK UP WHAT A DOG LOOKS LIKE. OTHERWISE I WILL NOT PAY YOU. I MIGHT EVEN SUE YOU. I KNOW A LOT OF POWERFUL ARCHITECT LAWYERS, YOU KNOW.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper there. I just know how people can just skim past this stuff on the internet without reading the fine print. This is for my therapist, by the way. Not as a gift. That would be weird. No, this is a very normal way to explain what I’m talking about to her. If I show her your picture of a dog, well, I might finally be able to make some real progress. And she’ll give me a fucking apology for thinking I was crazy.

I look forward to hearing from you. And remember, all who submit pictures will receive a special 20% discount coupon to be used at Captain Clark’s Ottoman Empire Furniture Store! So what have you got to lose? Go ahead and make this architect’s day!

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a place I need to go back to. I might show you once we’re done with our little art project.

Sweet dreams, Avocados.