Superman Returns opened on this day 20 years ago. Luckily for me, no one has any strong opinions about it, meaning I can say whatever I want here, because people are super chill with their thoughts on Superman flicks. Yup. They don’t spend years and years ranting about a film they claim they don’t like and making sure everyone knows it. Can you imagine how silly that would be? Fortunately we live in a world where “fans” don’t base their entire online personas around this. I’m glad for that.

Okay, bit’s over. Whatever you think of Superman Returns, there’s no denying the level of hype was insane. The Man of Steel hadn’t been seen on the big screen since 1987’s The Quest for Peace (almost, but not quite, as long as Lex Luthor’s prison sentence in that film), so anticipation was up, up, and away. Superman Returns was viewed as the can’t-miss mega-blockbuster of the summer, and then it…got its caped ass handed to it by Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest only nine days after it opened. Love it or hate it, it’s safe to say it wasn’t what anyone was expecting it to be, for better or worse. But hey, at least getting excited about it was fun. And we’ll always have that plane crash scene.

Marketing for Superman Returns was absolutely everywhere, except for, weirdly enough, on theater screens, with the first full trailer not being released until roughly two months before it opened (yes, there was that excellent teaser shown before Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but an entire third of that thing is film logos). But Burger King? They had old Supes covered, although sadly there wasn’t a “Super Whopper” or “Kryptonite Dipping Sauce” or anything like that. But there were toys. And there were commercials for those toys.

This came from a weird era of Burger King advertising. The Burger King Kids Club Kids had all been killed in a clubhouse fire that definitely wasn’t caused by The Grimace, and the “Big Kids Meal” would be on its way off the menu in only a few years. So these ads all use a King hand puppet (or is he an oven mitt?) as their mascot. He’s exercising in the gym, as puppets (or oven mitts) do, before doing super-heroic work as Super King. That’s pretty cute and a decent way to sell WAIT A MINUTE WHO THE FUCK IS THAT OWL?!?! WHAT DO OWLS HAVE TO DO WITH BURGERS? OR SUPERMAN?? THEY CAN ONLY SELL TOOTSIE POPS!! THAT’S IT!!!

Now Superman Returns, in the tradition of the movie itself subverting audience expectations, also did the same for its Burger King toys. You want figures of Loin Lane and Lex Luthor? Too bad, because you’re getting gadgets, something Superman is of course known for. These gadgets included a “fan” for your face (which I guess was Superman’s winds? I don’t know), and another premium included WAIT A FUCKING GARBAGE MINUTE ARE THOSE FUCKING TIRES??? WHAT ARE THOSE??? WHY IS IT TALKING??? WHY IS IT SELLING ME FRENCH FRIES?? JUST FUCKING WHY??

Alright, maybe I overreacted. Maybe “Tire Man” is some obscure comic book villain I’m not familiar with from the Silver Age or something. Or maybe he’s just lost. Maybe he was supposed to do a Cars commercial for McDonald’s and showed up at the wrong studio, and no one at Burger King had the heart to tell a pair of talking tires “no, you can’t do an ad here, go away.”

Anyway, I’m trying to remember which one of these I had. I know I had at least one or two of them, but I don’t think they were the “cool ones” of Superman himself I was hoping for. But hey, it was still nice to OH GOD WHERE DID THE COW COME FROM? WHY IS A CGI TALKING COW TELLING ME TO GO TO BURGER KING? SHOUDN’T YOU BE TELLING ME TO EAT MORE CHIKIN’ WHILE ALSO SILENTLY JUDGING ME FOR BEING BISEXUAL? DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT BURGERS ARE MADE FROM?? FUCKING FREAK!!!

Have a super night, y’all! Also, how is it the least creepy of these commercials was this one from the UK featuring the actual Burger King?