“Hey, guys! It’s me! Your pal, Lightning McQueen! A super cool and wholesome role model who does NOT want you to pull off your skin! And why would you even think that?!?!
Look, I just want to talk about the 20th anniversary of Cars. 20 years ago today! Man, the years roll by real quick, don’t they? It was a pretty big hit, you know. Not as big as Finding Nemo, but boy did we sell a lot of toys, NONE OF WHICH by the way had to do with me encouraging the removal of your human flesh, so STOP ASKING! Sheesh! I’m sorry. I lost my Lightning McTemper there. I try to be a good neighbor.
That reminds me. Cars had a State Farm marketing tie-in. This was before the sequel, where Mater just sang the fucking jingle. We had more class back in 2006, where we just kept that kind of thing restricted to a commercial, and OH MY CHRYSLER NO STATE FARM INSURRANCE WILL NOT COVER YOU IF YOU REMOVE YOUR SKIN, AND NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY DESIRE FOR YOU TO DO THAT! FUCK!
Sorry, sorry! I don’t want to lose my Lightning McCool! I’m Lightning McQueen! Everyone loves me! And they should, because I’m a super nice guy who wants for everyone to protect their skin, use lots of sunscreen, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE IT OFF! FOR THE LOVE OF FORD, YOU SAW A DEEPFAKE, OKAY?? I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS TELL ANY OF MY FANS TO GO FULL 28 YEARS LATER: THE BONE TEMPLE ON THEMSELVES! DID YOU UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE?! I’M SORRY, I ACTUALLY HAVE CAPS LOCK ON RIGHT NOW, TYPING IS TRICKY WHEN YOU ONLY HAVE TIRES!
Alright, I’ve calmed down. I’m fine now. And hey, those Happy Meal toys were pretty nifty and cool. Not to sound like the nostalgic character I voiced in Midnight in Paris (I provide Owen Wilson’s voice, it’s actually not the other way around), but man, things really were better back then at McDonald’s. I mean each of those toys had an individual action feature. And there were variants! It was a top-tire collection of OH MY LINCOLN NO THERE WAS NO HAPPY MEAL TOY WHERE YOU COULD PUSH A BUTTON AND LIGHTNING MCQUEEN’S SKIN WOULD POP OFF! FUCK WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!
I’m sorry. Caps lock again. Heh. Look, I’ll admit I’m stressed. This has been going on for YEARS, okay? Like do you have any idea what it’s like for everyone to know you more for a meme than for your actual personality? I don’t even HAVE skin! Why would I not like the way I felt in something I don’t have? Wait…I guess in that case, I would want to remove it, wouldn’t I? I probably wouldn’t OH FUCK OFF I SEE WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO, AND NO, I WILL NOT TELL YOU TO PULL OFF YOUR SKIN!!! DO YOU THINK I NEED THOSE KINDS OF LAWSUITS?!?! I ALREADY WENT THROUGH ‘TONGUEGATE’ BECAUSE I WON A CRITICAL RACE BY STICKING MY TONGUE OUT! AND DON’T YOU REALIZE I’M ALREADY ENOUGH OF A FREAK WITHOUT YOU MAKING FALSE STATEMENTS ABOUT ME?! I NEED TO INJECT GASOLINE INTO MY OWN ASS TO MOVE OR ELSE I AM PARLYZED! AND THIS WAS A PLOT POINT IN CARS! GO WATCH IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE! AND KEEP YOUR SKIN ON!!!
Enjoy your skin, y’all!”