♬ Let’s go where eagles dare
We’ll go where eagles dare ♬[footnote]TW for reckless use of the b-word and alternatingly juvenile/puerile horror-erotica[/footnote]

Usually described as a bald eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus),[footnote]Literally, “white-headed sea eagle.”[/footnote] Sam Eagle self-identifies as “American.” You will spot this imperious raptor, who also uses the stage name “Sam the Eagle,” in every imaginable setting, from Ed Koch-era Manhattan to space and Victorian London.

Researchers know little about Sam’s diet. For instance, no one can confirm whether Sam shares his species’ predilection for dining on stolen fish.[footnote]Watch your six, Lew Zealand. Google that if necessary. Quality reference. Big funny.[/footnote] Commentators do agree, however, that an animal who survives by depriving peers of sustenance makes an almost-too-on-the-nose national symbol for the United States of America.

Questions also remain unanswered regarding Sam’s courtship behaviors and mating habits. One intrepid interviewer coaxed Sam into discussing a failed marriage and fathering two semi-estranged eaglets. Currently, Sam sleeps in a series of climate-controlled warehouses with past and potential castmates of all genders and terrestrial, extraterrestrial, and fantasy species.[footnote]No judgment. *coughs” venery *clears throat*[/footnote]

While we may never know Sam as well as we would prefer, he propounds a perspicacious profile of Politicados’ personalities and practices:

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Watch this space for the return of proper Aves appreciation posts next week. Uvular thanks you for once more indulging his nonsense.