Toy Story is celebrating its 30th anniversary, and as such, it is my constitutional duty to discuss its fast food campaign, which in this case took place at Burger King. If you grew up in the 90s, you’ll know Burger King really knew how to make their movie tie-ins feel like events. And Toy Story was no exception, even though I sadly didn’t get to collect any of these bad boys.

For the Kids Club Meals (because, yes, they had a “club” back then), there was a set of six toys. There were the usual suspects like Buzz Lightyear and Woody, plus the green army men (who I think Disney simply referred to as “GAM” in merchandising, if I recall correctly?), and a Rex action figure with wheels attached to his ass. That has to hurt. Also, why are these Burger King employees waiting for the toys to arrive so they can sell them with French fries? Isn’t knowingly selling sentient objects essentially slavery? I’m sure Joss Whedon had some choice words about this.

But that was just the beginning. For the “adults” to purchase (as gifts for their kids), there was a series of hand puppets. Although in Buzz and Woody’s cases, it seems they were essentially dolls with holes inside the back of their arms you could stick your fingers into to make them move. Rex and Hamm, meanwhile, appear to be good old fashioned “hands up the character’s ass” puppets. Also, why are the toys willingly showing themselves being alive in front of the children? Doesn’t that violate about twenty different toy laws? I’m sure Joss Whedon had some choice words to say about this (by the way, these references were just a coincidence, as I just now recalled he was a screenwriter on Toy Story. Sorry. I’m tired!).

Have a toy-riffic night, y’all!