So, entirely by accident, I stumbled upon this glorious monstrosity. What’s it about? It’s about nothing, and it’s about everything. If there is a Halloween trope, this made for TV movie uses it multiple times. Accidentally raising the dead? Yep. Vampires? You know it. Werewolves? Might as well since we’re here. Zombies? Uh-huh. Scary dentist? Right on. Ghost girl from the 1950’s? Of course! Party ghoul? Affirmative. The oldest teenagers you’ve ever seen? Naturally.  Little person zombie? Boy howdy. A choreographed spooky dance number? Dude, you’re not going to believe this…

The Characters:

Phil Grenville

Ostensibly the leader of the teens played 24-year-old Lee Montgomery. He’s the biggest dork in the movie and it’s a wonder why any of the other teens hang out with him. He’s also the hairiest teen you’ve ever seen who is not a dog boy in the circus. You also might know him from Girls Just Want To Have Fun, the film, not the song.

Mitch Crandall

No, not related to Bart Simpson’s teacher. Played by a pre-21 Jump Street, 19-year-old Peter DeLouise. He’s the “jock”, and really wants to nail the substitute teacher (more on this later).

Melissa Cavender

Played by Shari Belafonte, this teenager is 31 years old. But no one is mad at her, she looks great. She is the descendant of a town witch who was burned and donated her dress to a museum or something? I don’t know it doesn’t make any sense. However, you’ll see in a little bit why they cast her.

Vinnie Davis

LeVar Burton plays our 28-year-old teenager. For those who care, this is post-Roots, but pre- Cameo’s “Word Up” video. He plays a basketball player, but really, he’s just a “cool guy” because the movie tells you roughly 25 times that he moved to this town from New York City. I assume only because they can’t say “you’re cool because you’re black”. Speaking of, naturally he and Melissa are together because they’re 2 of the 3 people of color in this film.

Mary Masterson

Dedee Pfeiffer (21 years old) really gets the short shrift here, her character is really just a plot device who ignores the main hairy boy. However, if you want to see what she can do, she plays the jailbait in Moving Violations that Great Value Scott Ian accidentally falls for, and she’s also the main girl in Vamp who isn’t Grace Jones. I hesitate to call Vamp a good movie, but it is stupidly entertaining. Also, she plays the sarcastic fast food counter worker in Falling Down, a movie which plays very, very differently in 2025 than it did in 1993.

Sandy Matthews

Played by 23-year-old Jonna Lee. Guess what her character is, just try and figure it out… because you’re going to get it.

Lucinda Cavendar

Melissa’s great great great great grandmother. Maybe she was a witch, maybe she was a voodoo priestess, maybe she was just a pioneer woman, it’s not really clear. This wretched old hag was a dried-up prune of 37 years old. Just kidding, she’s actually very lovely. And she was a grandmother at the age of 6, somehow since Shari was 31. I know, I know, she’s a time travelling ghost or something.

Who else?

The Ghoul

Played by Mark Blankfield, who had been in lots of stuff, but you most likely know him as Blinkin from Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

D.J.
Wolman Jack (just his voice), obviously. Boomer nostalgia was running wild in 1985.

Judge Crandall

Mitch’s dad and a hilarious drunk. Played by Kevin McCarthy who you absolutely know as the villain from UHF.

Martin Grenville

Phil’s dad. Surprise! Dick Van Patten!

Officer Jensen

A pre-Robocop and pre-Klingon Kurtwood Smith.

The Music

Do you like Wilson Pickett’s “In the Midnight Hour?” I hope so, because you’re going to hear it roughly 30,000 times. It also has other “spooky” 60s songs like CCR’s “Bad Moon Rising” and Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs “Li’l Red Riding Hood”, but then veers into “Sea of Love” and “Baby, I’m Yours”. The biggest surprise is an instrumental version of The Smiths’ “How Soon Is Now?” that plays every time a vampire is on screen.

The Film

We open with a kid prepping his newspapers for his paper route, and clothes-pinning a baseball card on his bike. I hope you’re not allergic to Americana, because if so, you’re already dead. He cuts his finger and it gets bloody. He then puts on a skull mask, and a winter knit cap over it.

He rides by boy scouts raising an American flag, a milk man driving a truck that Henry Ford personally carved by hand out of wood, an old lady knitting on a park bench, a mailman walking his route, a shopkeeper sweeping the sidewalk out in front of his store. Basically, shit you’ve never, ever seen in real life. The paper boy throws a paper at Officer Jensen, and gets a paper smeared with blood. In his best sarcastic tone, “Halloween… my favorite day of the year.”

The paper boy delivers to the grave digger, and then a guy raking his lawn… and the guy swipes his rake at him. Then the paper boy is never seen again. Did Officer Jensen kill him? Maybe, but I don’t think this movie is good enough.

In school, on Halloween morning, kids are putting up decorations… which seems like a real good use of their time. The world’s hottest substitute comes into the … I don’t know what kind of class this is, but Mitch can’t stop drooling over her. Phil has a presentation about local history, but it’s mostly about the traditions on Halloween… oh and by the way, “one of the most powerful witches who ever lived” juuuust happens to be Lucinda, Melissa’s great great great great grandmother. Melissa sinks in her seat, and Phil calls her out. She says, “yeah, we all know.” Phil goes onto say that his great great great great grandfather was Witchfinder General, and burned all the witches except for Lucinda, who was hung in town square. Making it awkward for the entire class.

Remember, these people are supposed to be friends.

Phil goes onto say that the wax figures in a local museum have period appropriate outfits, that were handed down from the families. Mitch gets the great idea that they will break into the museum and steal the costumes for Melissa’s Halloween party that very night. Four of the five goobers are planning the heist, Vinnie is not there, and they sneak into a basement window… where suddenly Vinnie is with them. Melissa steals the costume off the dummy, and says, “Sorry, grandma”. They make off with the costumes, and also a trunk full of other mysterious crap. However, they are spotted by The Local Redneck and his Two Giant Dogs.

Deciding that they can’t go to any of their houses with the stolen stuff, they decided to go to the graveyard. Melissa puts on Grandma’s cape and reads some nonsense off of a scroll. She then pretends to pass out, and everyone feels sufficiently spooky. She says, “They’re just words!” and Phil says, “I don’t think they are, didn’t anyone listen to my report today?!” No, no they didn’t.

The kids peel out of the graveyard just before the bodies start getting up from their dirt nap. The graves start exploding and they all look gross and ghoulish except for 1.) Lucinda, who is beautiful and mysterious and perfectly clean despite being dead for 400 years, 2.)  Sandy, the cheerleader who is only a little bit dirty, and 3.) the Werewolf? Yep, the Werewolf.

Also, there’s a mausoleum with a pile of ghouls in it.

Meanwhile, Phil dresses up in a costume with make-up inspired by Peter Criss (seriously) from the Creatures of the Night album, with a sparkly fright wig and a Dracula tuxedo? What are you doing, man? You’re never getting into Mary’s pants with this lame-o outfit. Despite my opinion, Phil’s little sister declares his costume “bodacious”. Phil goes out to his late 50’s Cadillac convertible (because of course he has one), and immediately backs over one of the zombies who is reading a newspaper (the same bloody newspaper Red Forman had earlier). The Ghoul grumbles and moves on down the sidewalk.

Phil is driving to the party, and encounters Sandy, who doesn’t know she’s dead. He falls in love with a ghost, she falls in love with his car, and he has this very steamy day dream. It’s really not that interesting. She can’t find her house because it no longer exists, blah blah blah. It’s just filler in a TV movie that is already overstuffed.

Mitch’s dad (A judge) is killed by a zombie he sentenced to death, but it’s not very interesting. Vinnie puts on a costume that’s just gauze, ketchup, and an egg smashed on his chest (?). At the party, The Ghoul shows up with his bloody newspaper and eats popcorn.

Vinnie is working overtime with Melissa to get his dick wet, Phil is bummed that Mary hasn’t shown up (and when she does, she doesn’t give him the time of day, she’s after a sexy Frankenstein), and then the World’s Hottest Substitute shows up as chaperone… to a party for kids that didn’t even know she existed three hours ago. But she does show up as David Bowie (seriously), and she’s pulling it off.

Elsewhere, The Local Redneck is attacked by the Werewolf, and then becomes a werewolf himself, and his Two Big Dogs get away after they spend some time lapping his blood off the sidewalk. Why? I have no idea.

Back at the party the girls are freshening up their makeup, when Lucinda shows up and compliments the dress Melissa stole. Melissa says, “Oh, it’s been in the family for years.” Melissa, light as a feather, dumb as a rock, doesn’t put together that this is her dead witch grandmother. Melissa then goes to the wine cellar, where Lucinda follows silently. Melissa asks if they should get white or red wine, and Lucinda says, “red, always red.” Then she bites Melissa. You thought she was witch? Nope, she’s a vampire. Why? Who knows. The instrumental “How Soon Is Now?” goes on for two and a half minutes.

Mitch takes his chance at Bowie Substitute again, and vampirism spreads through the party like an STI. Two zombies make out on the couch. “How Soon Is Now?” plays for another two minutes. Oh yeah, and then the ghost girl and Phil get attacked by the Local Redneck Werewolf. All that really happens though is he shreds up the ragtop on the Cadilac. They try to report it to the police, but do you think Officer Red Foreman does anything? BIG RED NO.

For some reason never explained, Ghost Girl Sandy knows exactly how to solve the werewolf problem that will also solve the zombie problem (they don’t know about the vampire problem). They have to re-seal the scroll and something about witch’s bones… which makes no sense because Lucinda isn’t a witch SHE’S A GOD DAMN SHIT SUCKING VAMPIRE, PHIL.

At one hour and eleven minutes, starts the synchronized vampire dance scene at the party. THIS is why they hired Shari Belafonte (even though she sounds suspiciously like Vanity). Here is where I tell you that the makeup crew is comprised with a lot of the same crew that worked on Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, and since it had only come out the year before, I guess they felt obligated to put this in. I can’t see where they ever released this as a single or anything, so I’m not entirely sure what their endgame was with this.

After the climax dance number, Mitch get’s killed by his Zombie Dad, and even though it’s very fast, Kevin McCarthy just devours the scene. He’s brilliant. There’s also an Opera Zombie who is singing and drawing the undead… somewhere… for no discernible reason. There’s also a Shakespearean Zombie writing poetry on a scroll, and I am 99.99% certain that The Simpsons lifted parts of this movie wholesale for that one Treehouse of Horror.

Phil, Ghost Girl Sandy, and Substitute Bowie (?!) return to the graveyard. Surprise! Substitute Bowie was a secret vampire. Now she’s dead. Ghost Girl Sandy and Phil complete the ritual, and Ghost Girl Sandy evaporates, and the radio plays an old love song indicating that she’ll be watch him whack off from beyond the grave.

But, there’s one other problem. All the vampires, all the undead, all the werewolves, they all disappear. Presumably, as this is a TV movie, the world just went back to the way it was before the opened the scroll (because Phil’s car is repaired). I think it’s more fun to think that everyone was banished to Hell and now the town is just Phil and the Two Big Dogs. I mean, what became of his evil dad?