Kevin Glover’s Love Bites is a gay vampire softcore romcom. An amateur vampire hunter falls for his handsome target. Can love conquer all? Glover wrote the script for the stage. But filming on location, and releasing to VHS, proved more cost effective. Most of the team remained in the adult entertainment industry. But they’re clearly enjoying the chance to act in this campy farce. Despite running a brief 69(!) minutes, I couldn’t watch this in one sitting. The amateur performances and clumsy innuendos felt embarrassing. The characters are paper thin. But there’s eye candy, the occasional zinger, and a core of sincerity that keeps it going. If Anne Rice is too angsty for you, try Love Bites this Halloween season.

Sink your teeth into this spoiler filled recap.

Need You Tonight

Scene One: Jake’s apartment
JAKE HUNTER (Earnest): I didn’t ask you here for sex. I need your help hunting vampires.
HOOK-UP: “I vant to suck your cock.” (Strips.)
JAKE: I’m serious. There’s a vampire in WeHo. I found his address.
HOOK-UP: I’m a porn star, not an actor. I can’t roleplay with you.

Scene Two: Count’s Mansion by Night
JAKE: Be gone foul fiend! (Wields a crucifix.)
HUSTLER (Sassy): Oh honey, if you don’t want this you still gotta pay me.
MANFIELD (Bug eating servant): Master hired you for me!
COUNT (Extremely tall): I’m Master. Who’s this handsome stranger?
JAKE: Oh! I’ve got the wrong house. I’m a… strip-o-gram for a bachelor party!
(Jake grabs the Hustler and flees.)
COUNT: I think I’m in love.

Scene Three: Jake’s apartment
HUSTLER: Oh honey, this film’s gone 20 minutes without a penis. I’d better take a shower. (Strips.)
JAKE: Put on a towel.
(Hustler wraps it around his hair.)
HUSTLER: Thanks.

Scene Four: Count’s Mansion by Daylight
JAKE: Open the coffin. I’ll pound a stake in him.
HUSTLER: “Did you bring any lube?”
JAKE: I can’t do it! I fell in love during the ten minutes of small talk the recap skimmed past.
MANFIELD: Intruders! Wake up, Master!
COUNT: Ah. The strip-o-gram is back. Dance mortal.
(Jake awkwardly strips. The Count sarcastically applauds.)
COUNT: Yes, I’m a vampire but I’m not a killer. “I only suck what I need.”

Scene Five: The Count’s Bed
(Jake and the Count are making out in the nude.)
JAKE: Why are you hiding your penis? The rest of us went frontal.
COUNT: Take it up with the producer.
JAKE: But you’re… Oh, ya got me!

Scene Six: The Count’s Mansion. Before dawn.
HUSTLER: Manfield and I are starting a rock band!
JAKE: Whatever. Where’s the Count?
COUNT: (Staggers in.) I read your vampire hunter journal and I’m devastated. I’ve destroyed my coffin. Now I’m going to walk into the sunlight!
JAKE: No! I’ll make you mortal again. With a LOVE BITE! (Jake bites the Count.)
COUNT: Ow! That’s not a thing.
JAKE: The movie’s ending. It’s worth a try. (They walk into the sunrise.)

THE END

Never Gonna Give You Up

COUNT: We met at a Grateful Dead concert. He, of course, was very grateful and I, of course, was…

We never learn much about Kevin Hunter or the Count. How did they get into their professions? What do they like about each other besides their looks? Does it matter?

Kevin Glover spoke fondly of the movie in a 2001 interview. It was filmed over the course of two weekends. He kept forgetting his lines. Still Love Bites found a cult audience that kept the work alive. When Massacre Video released a DVD they teamed Glover with director David DeCoteau for the audio commentary. It’s a perfect pairing as DeCoteau’s devoted his career to budget homoerotic genre thrillers.

Glover’s script acknowledges gay bashings and the AIDS epidemic. But it’s an escapist fantasy at heart. If we buy the Count’s claims that he’s survived 347 years without killing anyone, then we can pretend a love bite could make him mortal again.

You can read more of my reviews on The Avocado, Letterboxd and Serializd. My podcast, Rainbow Colored Glasses, can be found here.