I’m travelling Thursday and will be in (blessed, correct) Central time on Friday, which…I don’t know how the hell that works with scheduling WordPress posts and I’m not going to learn, so I’m writing this on Wednesday. Since only God knows what’s going to happen between now and then (and it’s purely speculation that even God can actually predict anything this Him-forsaken administration does; I wouldn’t bet on it), let’s catch up on the news via a fill-in-the-blank header:

President Donald Trump on Thursday nominated conservative [media job title] Hess Shartwood to head the Office of General [area of academic study]. Shartwood has raised eyebrows recently with his racially charged comments on [party favors] and controversial assertions that America is fundamentally a [art movement] country. Vice President J. D. Vance addressed the statements, saying that Shartwood shouldn’t be held accountable for the things he said last month when he was a [stage of life]. When asked for comment about how President Trump chose the 45 year-old [hobby] enthusiast, White House Spokesperson Karoline Leavitt responded, ‘LOL, ur [family member] told him to do it, why do u suk so much [emoji].’

Let’s see how that worked out:

President Donald Trump on Thursday nominated conservative livestock podcaster Hess Shartwood to head the Office of General 19th Century American Diarists. Shartwood has raised eyebrows recently with his racially charged comments on those little soft mints that you get at weddings sometimes and controversial assertions that America is fundamentally a Pointillist country. Vice President J. D. Vance addressed the statements, saying that Shartwood shouldn’t be held accountable for the things he said last month when he was a perimenopausal mother of two tween girls trying desperately to not have to explain to them what that ‘Wood’ song off Taylor Swift’s new album is about. When asked for comment about how President Trump chose the 45 year-old belt sander racing enthusiast, White House Spokesperson Karoline Leavitt responded, ‘LOL, ur pet hamster told him to do it, why do u suk so much 🪐.’

Sounds as plausible as whatever actually happened on Thursday. Be nice to each other today, be nice to the mods, and don’t threaten [fictional government official] or [real anyone].